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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
Mum2oneStepmum2two · 06/04/2018 21:19

Mummyoflittledragon

OP never received a message from the woman. However the woman is saying that she sent one to OP and then OP didn’t reply. It’s not true though and that’s the point - there is no message to screenshot.

The woman is a nutcase...

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 06/04/2018 21:19

She’s got something wrong with her. Actually wrong.
Don’t let her have any more rent-free time living in your head. Delete her from your mind. The only thing you need to do is rename her in your phone as ‘ignore’.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2018 21:26

Mum2One
I was referring ops post of 07.53 this morning. The woman sent op telling her she was going to call and asking op to pick up.

In any case, yes, the woman is a nutcase.

Kissthealderman · 06/04/2018 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/04/2018 21:28

Oh op. Sorry I thought she was referring to the 'nice' text she sent earlier. But yeah that was hardly an apology!

I think pp are right. It's taking up too much head space. It's not fair on you. Tell your friend what you've said here. You're exhausted. She's been harassing you. And then don't engage with her at all.

And have a Wine and get some rest

GabsAlot · 06/04/2018 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mum2oneStepmum2two · 06/04/2018 21:48

Mummyoflittledragon

Bonafide nutcase. And a bully. Lethal combination!

This thread has me hooked though - I’ve said it before; it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that has someone like this flapclapper in their lives! My personal flapclapper has bullied me so much the past couple of years that it brought on stress related grande mal epilepsy, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and major depression. Not just because of the bullying, but because I stressed so much about how to fix it and gave 100000000’s of olive branches when it wasn’t even my fault (EVER!) that it exhausted me. I was healthy and fit and vibrant before. Now I’m a shell. I should have handled her like you are handling your flapclapper, but it got too much after 3 years of it. I’m slowly rebuilding myself now though. Found some extra strength since I found out we were having another baby! Gotta be strong now, eh?!

I know our situation isn’t as bad as mine, but it is the same person, just a different body. Well, probably! Unless yours really is my husband’s ex wife lol!!!!!!

Anyway, my point to my comment is that you are doing everything right and you and other people posting on this thread are even helping me (and maybe other followers) with coping with their own flapclappers and bullies!

Xoxo

choseausername1 · 06/04/2018 21:55

I have learned so many new words over the past 24 hours on MN.

Flapclapper, cockwomble, cuntpuffin and softzilla.

I love it.

browneyes77 · 06/04/2018 22:08

OP, as others have said, she is blatantly trying to paint you as the bad guy because she’s realised that nobody agrees with her and she’s looking like more of a twat as time goes on. So she’s trying to turn the tables and paint herself as the ‘victim’. She sounds completely narcissistic.

Even if there was some random moment you’ve forgotten about where you offered to pay in future, she is being completely unreasonable and her behaviour towards you is inexcusable. Nobody of sane mind would behave like this towards a friend.

If a friend of mine offered to treat me to lunch or something the next time we met up, I wouldn’t actually go there expecting to be paid for. I’d have my purse out ready to pay for myself, because I wouldn’t want them to feel pressured to pay for me. If they had offered and forgotten I would absolutely NOT start throwing a strop and telling them they promised to pay for me. And I think it’s clear to see that nobody on here would either. Because we’re not insane. Quite frankly most of us would either a) wouldn’t even remember the other friend had offered to pay, b) would automatically go to pay for ourselves anyway and c) wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest if said friend didn’t offer to pay. None of us would have a childish tantrum and behave in the rude, petulant, obnoxious manner that she has.

I would give her a wide berth in future. Be civil and polite at group meet ups but other than that, steer clear. She is a trouble causer and not worth your time.

Flowers
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 22:19

Thank you ladies. If it wasn't for you guys I would so have given in and contacted her to try to make up by now. Going to try to get some sleep with my busy head now.

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 22:20

I'm so sorry to hear about your issues mum2one. Hopefully mine won't get to that.

OP posts:
PuntCuffin · 06/04/2018 22:27

I have nothing useful to add at this point, but as people keep referring to my alter ego CuntPuffin, I felt I should respond!

buckeejit · 06/04/2018 22:36

Be civil but demote her to an acquaintance rather than friend. In fact life's too short, if she tries to go into it all, just say pleasantly straight to her, "I think it's better if we downgrade to acquaintances but no hard feelings, let's move on".

Catastropheeee · 06/04/2018 23:38

Maybe she's deluded OP.

I was unceremoniously dumped by a good friend for a mutual friend (I introduced them!). All of our friendship group - as well as my DH and family - could see what was happening before I could. It hurt.

Fast forward a couple of years, former friend got drunk at a party and told another friend that I had ditched her and let her down when she needed me most Confused (which explained the odd comments the mutual friend she stalked and threw herself on dumped me for made at a christening we were at together)

I eventually asked to meet up to clear the air and I genuinely think she believes that she did nothing wrong and and she was the innocent party. It was honestly so weird.

Some people are just plain strange and should be given a wide berth once they show their true colours.

RavenclawRealist · 07/04/2018 00:57

Don't reach out to her it will back up her point you were in the wrong and I wouldn't mention it again to mutual friends unless asked specifically about her. The more you talk about it in the group the more it will feed the drama and make people wonder if she has a point. Don't let her drag you to her level. Keep the high ground you are right you have tried! Keep all message if she does ever text an apology then reply neutrally without admitting and wrong 'yes let's move on and put all this in the past' or something similar! Keep polite in a group and I'm sure you don't want to but no 1:1 met ups and no communication that you can't prove (so texts emails only) don't answer the phone don't give her any room to manipulate things! She has shown her colours and you are wise to it so view this as a positive! If you don't engage she can't twist it. She will just end up showing everyone her true colours!

youokayhun · 07/04/2018 01:15

I don't understand why you aren't being clearer with her?

"Please stop with the drama, generally, if you invite someone along to an activity or make plans between yourselves, it's the norm to pay for yourself and your own kids unless otherwise stated for whatever reason. You are acting in an odd manner and I simply don't think you are getting it"

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/04/2018 01:19

OMG, she gets worse. Now she's pretending to have sent you an apology and you haven't replied, when she hasn't actually sent you one.
She's really going to town on making you out to be the bad guy here, who knows why!!
Best to keep it between the friends who already know what's going on, and wait until they bring it up, if they do.
And of course you've told Friend 1 that you haven't received any apology message? And that you would respond if you ever do receive one?
Nothing else to be done, in all honesty. :(

clairedelalune · 07/04/2018 08:19

We know she is not from another country.
Even if she were from another country, part of being an 'alien' in another country is learning about that country's social norms and customs (before I get shouted at for saying that I have been an 'alien' in 5 different countries)- anybody normal would have checked through with someone else first before confronting as most people living in another country would be mortified at causing offence or making a social faux pas.

I would not have any contact with her at all- if that were unavoidable, it would only be written contact. If it didn't affect my child's social life, I would try to avoid things where she would be present. She sounds a nasty piece of work.

Hepzibar · 07/04/2018 08:44

OP youokhun has it spot on. You do appear to be dithering and trying to be conciliatory and it clearly isn't working.

Send you's text and a similar one to anyone else who asks. Don't give get any opening or let her sniff out a weakness to further exploit and make herself the victim. Bullies need to be called out on their behaviour.

sonjadog · 07/04/2018 09:00

I wouldn´t recommend sending a text. Then you are just feeding the drama. Keep ignoring the calls - she won't keep them up forever, or if they are getting on your nerves then block her number for a few days. Go to your party, be pleasant and vague. If she approaches you just say you want to put it behind you and aren't interested in talking about it, and then be pleasant but distant to her in future.

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2018 09:03

I would not send yous message, it's just inflaming and prolonging it.

Op. This woman doesn't like you. It's that simple. She is a bully and dishonest. Do not engage with her further. Just accept that fact. At most just text back and say "all forgotten about, moved on already. See you around " and leave it there. Then steer clear when you see her.

Because this isn't the end. She's going to come after you and she's just waiting for the first opportunity you give her to do so. As soon as you interact she's going to leap and twist it because she needs to save face. Disengage from this whole thing fast.

She's attempted to bully you into paying for her, she's threatened you with isolation from your group, she's lied about what happened. She is not apologising to you which tells you everything. And she's then insinuating things about you. She dislikes you and is coming after you.

Disengage. Fast.

user7680 · 07/04/2018 09:16

What does CF mean? Educate me

KeepServingTheDrinks · 07/04/2018 09:22

Hope you are ok today.

It sounds to me like all your friends are onside with you, so no need to say anything more to them. Just step back and get on with your life. Polite and distant is the way forward here. Flowers for you though as it all sounds upsetting and horrible. Chin up!

elisenbrunnen · 07/04/2018 09:22

Wow she is really loving the drama, isn't she?

I think i would not respond. It's gone as far as it can without a) an apology, or b) all out war within your friendship group.

I certainly wouldn't set up a 'group chat' without CF to 'put your side' or anything like that. I'd just leave it now. Let her whip up whatever drama she can to the others, and defend/explain if or when anyone asks.

Rise above, in other words, and get on with your life (but don't ever be alone with CF, or even answer any more phone calls or texts. Cut her out as much as you can)

caffeinefreebutsadaboutit · 07/04/2018 09:23

@user7680 cheeky fucker