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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
Groovee · 06/04/2018 16:43

She's definitely trying to back peddle. She obviously saw you as someone who would splash out on giving her days out and didn't bank on you not doing it again!

Hold your head high. You've done nothing wrong and the other mums know that. The text to the party mum sounds exactly like my SIL!

icedtea · 06/04/2018 17:06

What country is she from?

The OP described the bully as white, British on page 17 of this thread

N2986 · 06/04/2018 17:10

Omg cannot believe the cheek of it. Bet at least one of the circle of friends is on here so I'd bet the 'confused' friend will have heard about this thread by now Grin

StormTreader · 06/04/2018 17:34

SHE IS NOT FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY

SHE IS NOT FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY

SHE IS NOT FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY

SHE IS NOT FROM A FOREIGN COUNTRY

There, hopefully that will answer that one for good, we've had it about 7 times now :p

AlbertaSimmons · 06/04/2018 17:37

I don't think she's lying as such, I think she genuinely believes that OP owes her and is trying to dodge it. She's convinced herself that's the case and I imagine she wants to talk to OP so that she can convince OP of the same. This will never be resolved, especially as the CF seems to have something of a reputation for being a little odd about money. Fascinating.

SabineUndine · 06/04/2018 17:39

Yes but any normal person would have shrugged and forgotten it by now.

Scarpetta1982 · 06/04/2018 17:40

By the merit of her ideals- she owes you one!
You paid for her child and bought her family dinner!
She clearly seems utterly bonkers.
I would just message her and clarify.

Dear bonkers cf opportunist.
When you suggested meeting up, I said you were welcome to join me. At no point had I offered to pay for you. I had paid for my own way, my friend, theirs. This is the norm when meeting up, at a soft play. I thought I had already been kind enough to pay for dinner at ’s birthday party, as a gesture of kindness. However, please do not mistake, my kindness, for weakness. I apologise, that you had misinterpreted the invitation, as that I would be willing to fund your day also. Prior to soft play with * the other day, I thought this had been cleared up.
I would however, like to put this to bed, as we have a mutual party to attend next week, and it would be rather unfair to the host, as well as the children, for any atmosphere to continue. Clearly, there has been a misunderstanding. I hope this clears any up.
All the best
Not a cheeky f**ker

Scarpetta1982 · 06/04/2018 17:42

And just how long has she been letting this resentment that you didn’t bank roll her day build up!?

MiddleClassProblem · 06/04/2018 17:42

I wondered if maybe there was a mix up at the original party and she ended up having to pay for herself but retreading the OP it doesn’t sound like that’s what she’s saying.

Lookforthestars · 06/04/2018 17:48

What country is she from is the new - cancel the cheque Grin

AndersArms · 06/04/2018 17:59

OP this must be quite horrid but you've dealt with it so well.

Hope the party is ok. I'd be giving CF a polite wide berth from now on.

Chris39 · 06/04/2018 18:58

Avoid Avoid Avoid

rednsparkley · 06/04/2018 19:13

I would definitely be avoiding any kind of socialising with her in the future unless in a big group - where I would just avoid her as much as possible.

marhav999 · 06/04/2018 19:26

She’s a chancer!

Kissthealderman · 06/04/2018 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shraz · 06/04/2018 20:04

I've read though this thread and the other one and am absolutely gobsmacked. It sounds as though she thought you were a soft touch and now realising your not is majorly back peddling.
Best to keep contact with her to a minimum. The text you sent was perfect and no need to pick up her calls.
She is determined to put her self in a good light and I have a feeling she will soon find another victim, especially as she seems to have form for this.
Pure Cfuckery

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 20:06

A couple more missed calls. And she's claiming to friend 1 that she's sent the message as suggested but I have not responded.

OP posts:
aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/04/2018 20:08

Did you tell friend one you have replied? If so what did she say?
They must be getting wind of it by now
Or thoroughly bored of all the drama

Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 20:11

She's a lying hard faced calculating bint.... ask your friend to ask Her to send your friend the 'message' allegedly sent to you...

OR just Block her .. she will play this game until she damages your mental wellbeing and affect your moral...

get rid of this psycho Flowers

Jobbieshitkakaboudin · 06/04/2018 20:34

Just tell your closest friends that you didn't ever offer to pay, and that she has never paid for you so you don't owe anything! Tell them she is now harassing you and you really don't want to be part of any of it. Then tell them you don't want to talk about it again because she is actually harassing you with calls and you are very stressed by the whole thing.

Kissthealderman · 06/04/2018 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep · 06/04/2018 20:54

I think you need to stop thinking about this now, hard as it is to do, otherwise you are buying into the drama.

You have responded to her text. Don't answer any calls, or send any more texts.

I think you also need to stop discussing it with your friends, as much for your own mental wellbeing, as well as letting it die a death (and probably this thread too - hopefully we have given you enough support to see that you weren't being unreasonable). If you allow the drama to enter your thoughts and interactions with others, then her tactics are working, aren't they?

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 21:01

She hasn't sent an apology message to respond to. If she had I would have responded, accepted the apology and agreed to move on (but never seen her again other than in a group).

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 21:01

I just feel exhausted

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/04/2018 21:14

Screenshoot the message to your friend 1. Tell her you’ve had enough now of being hounded by crazy woman. Have a nice bath, glass of wine or whatever and relax. You know it’s not personal. Your friends know this too.