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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 15:20

aaahhhhhh she's backpedaling like a Turkey in December..

let's see what she does Unreasonableunreasonableness I suspect her manner might change now she knows everyone/some agree and understand why you would not answer her calls.....

I hope you're feeling better today.. she's been a complete Dick and made an Ass of herself.. hopefully she is registering that everyone else knows this too.. and responds appropriately Flowers

Strawberry2017 · 06/04/2018 15:21

Paying their fair share?
She really isn't the brightest crayon in the box is she!

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2018 15:25

Oh god, she's now saying you offered to pay for her, owed her then refused and makin put you don't pay your way?

Fuck me, that takes some balls. She must have been up all night thinking of how to make it look like your fault and she's the innocent party.

Just keep reiterating the truth to anyone who asks. And stay away from this woman. Inc at social events just politely keep your distance. Don't ask her to join you again. She's a bully and she's manipulative and she's a liar. For your own good stay away from her because she will cause uou more trouble, she will just be waiting for the opportunity.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/04/2018 15:30

Jeez. I mean I'm just thankful I've not come across her. I've just had lunch with some friends and we had a full on Mrs Doyle moment when the bill arrived. i can't get my head around this behaviour at all!

I don't think anyone with any sense will be taken in by this. Sounds like everyone else is on the same page thankfully.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/04/2018 15:37

I'd send a message to everyone in the Whatsapp group (or better still, set up a new one that you're the administrator of and leave her out of the group), saying this is the situation that took place on X date and make of it what you will. Outline in plain English what happened, what lead up to it and what has happened since. Don't embellish and keep it simple and straightforward. When you're finished posting up the details, say that you never wanted this to be a big thing, you are just clearing up any confusion and putting your side of the story out there and you're very much looking forward to X's party soon.

Of course, you could just ignore her behaviour and hope that she cops herself on and stops this silly nonsense.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 15:41

Thing is when I heard from the 1st friend I was actually wondering if there had been some sort of misunderstanding. She sounded more reasonable like the person I know. But then party friend sent the other message which definitely happened AFTER her conversation this morning. And I feel totally thrown again.

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 15:45

A couple of the people in the WhatsApp group don't know me at all. And another couple don't know either of us. So I'm not going to air it there anymore than it has been. It's not a group of my friends but a group of party mum's.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 06/04/2018 15:45

She's relying on you NOT to tell your side and try and win the others round - She now knows you have spoken up (or mutual friend has) and is back peddling!

Even if you did say you'd treat her to a day out - that's usually spoken about separately and plans made in advance, discuss where to go etc.

But this is the second time she's expected you to fork out for her without warning.

Chin up - this won't be the last of it

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 06/04/2018 15:50

If she says anything to you in person you could say that it's clearly been a bit of a misunderstanding and it's best to let it drop completely now. Tell her to avoid future confusion it's best if the two of you have all communication in message or text form as then you will be able to double check the exact arrangements, so you won't be answering phone calls from her at all.

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissesBloom · 06/04/2018 15:51

But even if you offered on that day to pay for her, and for some reason you didn't end up paying, who on earth would try and chase that up? It's like begging. A normal person would just think "oh, never mind these things happen" and just forget it. Not expect the person to pay another day to make up for it. It's beyond bonkers!
If one of my friends buys me a coffee I'll either buy one back that day or another day but if for some reason I forgot and they brought it up or started an argument over it I'd be gobsmacked and would never look at them the same again.

Thistlebelle · 06/04/2018 15:51

The thing is, even if there had been an initial misunderstanding (which most people would have shrugged off IME) her subsequent behaviour at softplay trying to make your friend leave you and join her was well outside the bounds of acceptable behaviour.

You tried to move on and include her and she refused.

It’s not the initial payment issue that’s the problem. It’s her behaviour since.

HolyMountain · 06/04/2018 15:52

I'd keep things civil when you're in a group with her but there's no way I'd be friends with her after this.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 06/04/2018 15:53

Don't fall for it OP. There is no misunderstanding. She senses people are turning on her and trying to rewrite what actually happened. She is a grade a bitch and don't forget it. The second message confirms she knows exactly what's going on and is trying to pretend it's not her. Someone really needs to tell her outright that she is a cow, they know what she is trying, the party message was about her and they are not impressed with her behaviour.

AllNamesTakenhell · 06/04/2018 15:55

She is trying to rewrite the situation to put you in a poor light. She wont mention her bullying or shitiness.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 06/04/2018 15:57

Yes don't be taken in op

This woman threatened you. On your head be it. Wtaf. Who does this?

Even if it had been a misunderstanding. Any normal person would have apologised and sorted this out by now. NOT growled at you, made vague threats and rung you two dozen times.

I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her.

SabineUndine · 06/04/2018 15:58

I honestly think she’s enjoying the attention. She’s created a little drama out of nothing and is getting loads of your attention. I’d try to keep it very cool.

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mum2oneStepmum2two · 06/04/2018 16:04

So now she is not only nutty but also making up lies about what it was actually about - making up scenarios where you promised her something and didn’t follow through. Ffs... I would say she must be feeling embarrassed but that would only be if she was a normal person. She isn’t. She makes her reality real in her head and then she can justify her actions with a “misunderstanding” and then think she is taking the high ground by apologising. She needs a good dose of fuck the fuck off!!!
I’m actually so sure this is my husband’s ex wife it’s scary!!!!! If it isn’t, please know you have someone that understands exactly how you are feeling and please just take the high road and cut her from your life in every respect other than where you have to cross paths - and in those instances act indifferent yet “polite” to stop others from feeling awkward. Although they will already know about nutty Nora and therefore probably feel awkward in her presence anyway!
Good luck and please keep updating us!!!!!

mmzz · 06/04/2018 16:15

What country is she from?

HolyMountain · 06/04/2018 16:19

As far as I know she is British with no other back ground.

^ From OP on Wednesday.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 16:25

But as it stands, you have paid for her on a previous occasion and she has never paid for you. So there is no way you owe her anything at all. Just keep smiling and ignoring her. She's almost certainly done this or something similar to other members of this group in the past, which is why they are a) not believing her bullshit and blaming you and b) not particularly fussed by it.

DickTERFin · 06/04/2018 16:25

Worra chancer!

Motoko · 06/04/2018 16:29

No matter how reasonable she seems, NEVER trust her! It's all a lie, to save face. Just remember how she has treated you and tried to turn your friends against you.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 06/04/2018 16:40

Try to take a positive from this. You now know her to be a complete two faced liar therefore you know never to trust her. Or anything that comes via friends from her.