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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
GeekyWombat · 06/04/2018 10:58

Great text message. Hopefully this will all calm down and she'll give you a bit of distance at group gatherings.

I know this has been really discombulating and stressful, but I think you've handled it really well OP.

YoThePussy · 06/04/2018 11:01

Firstly, of course you are right OP.

I would be well pissed off if I were your other friends being dragged into this and as your friend would tell Softzilla to rein her neck, stop gossiping and trying to cause trouble. She sounds as mad a sack of ferrets, avoid and ignore.

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 06/04/2018 11:09

God she sounds completely bonkers. YANBU at all.

charlyn · 06/04/2018 11:15

Sorry if you’ve already said but do your mutual friends pay for her if they’ve invited her out? I’m guessing not so how come she has this issue with you not paying for her? She sounds crazy and like she has an issue with you for some reason!

GabsAlot · 06/04/2018 11:16

softzilla!

pollymere · 06/04/2018 11:18

I've had arrangements with friends where we take it in turns to pay, or a let me treat you very occasionally. I do this with my brother for example when we go to places with all the kids. If it were an invite to a museum, or something more formal, I might feel compelled to pay for them, but a weekly thing or soft play is an arrangement, not an invite, so definitely not!

6demandingchildren · 06/04/2018 11:28

When you see her I would say to her
Regarding the confusion of you seeing the general meet up/play date as a formal invitation I will not be suggesting that you meet with me as due to my finances I can not afford to cover your costs.

64BooLane · 06/04/2018 11:32

softzilla

Grin
JuJu2017 · 06/04/2018 11:33

What a weirdo! She sounds very odd op, be glad you blocked her. I feel sorry for her when/If she tries to tell someone this story, they’ll laugh in her face.

StickThatInYourPipe · 06/04/2018 11:38

Any updates following your friends meet up OP?

BullshitometerCalibrator · 06/04/2018 11:39

Wowzers! She's a psychopathic cockwomble! She's clearly a manipulative bully and I'd be very careful with how you handle her. I'm guessing she's the type that likes drama in her life? The problem with narcissistic nutters like this is that they feed off the drama so please continue to ignore her calls - it will piss her off royally and her halo will slip majorly in front of other friends to reveal her true colours very soon. So far she has proved to be completely irrational, childish with her behaviour and manipulative with her clear threat of things being 'on your head.' Make your friends aware of the full facts without sounding vague - otherwise she will use this against you. The relentless attempts to call you are because she no longer feels in control but she desperately wants to to justify her actions and feed her delusions. Do not let her upset you - I know this is easier said than done but you are not the one in the wrong. Hold your head up high and don't let her see it's getting to you - she's thriving off the reaction - bullies and psychopaths do. Carry on with your business and if you must interact with her, make sure you are never alone and make it clear you don't take too kindly to bullying childish tactics. If she decides to do the crazy bitch act at the kids party, do not blame yourself whatsoever - this is ALL her doing. I still can't believe grown women act like this - to try to take friends away is pathetic and vindictive and she's obviously nuts and needs to grow up and seek psychiatric help - this is not normal behaviour and I suspect she's got form for this. I'd definitely keep a record of all communication because it sounds like she's got a personal vendetta/obsession with you and these things tend to be caused by jealousy of some description - maybe she thinks you've come along to the group and proved to be nicer/prettier/NORMAL and she feels threatened that her status as the centre of attention is over? I just wouldn't interact unless absolutely necessary and with company. She'll be revealed soon enough and is obviously worried this is already happening. I hope you get it sorted soon - no-one needs this in their life.

Petrify · 06/04/2018 11:56

Tell her get over it and find another sucker to pay for her. What a cheek!! xx

Weezol · 06/04/2018 12:04

@mumsnet HQ I hereby formally request that GabsAlot's 'Softzilla' is admitted to the official lexicon of words what we wrote.

KC225 · 06/04/2018 12:09

Softzila funny

Leeds2 · 06/04/2018 12:20

Hope your friend is able to shed some light on things after she has met up with the CF.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/04/2018 12:25

Definitely go with the 'Nothing to discuss, see you next week' option. And calm, polite indifference if she's at the party.
The thing with people like this (attention-obsessed irrational bullies) is that they might want to try and paint themselves as the victim in front of mutual friends, but they can't actually keep it together enough to pass as reasonable if they are met with cheerful refusal to engage.

You have done nothing wrong. She is not your boss or your owner and you do not have to obey her by taking calls from her. She has no right to any of your time or attention, remember.

CheeseRollingChampion · 06/04/2018 12:56

A birthday party the host would pay. A meet up of friends everyone pays for themselves surely? I've never known a friend pay for another in these circumstances, unless it was a situation where the host offered directly before the event knowing the friend couldn't afford to go otherwise.

Lookforthestars · 06/04/2018 13:17

Talk this out like adults? Bit bloody rich!!!

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GabsAlot · 06/04/2018 14:03

id love to take the credit but it was @yothepussy who said it first

thanks though!

Gemini69 · 06/04/2018 15:11

any news from your friend meeting the Loon for coffee OP Flowers has she survived the coffee meet ..

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 15:11

Update from friend:
Got through nearly an hour of depressing small talk where we were both blatantly waiting for the other one to mention it. I gave up waiting and asked what the hell went on the other day at soft play. She said you'd had a silly fall out over who should be paying that day. That she thought you owed her one but you didn't agree. I asked why you owed her one and she said that you had said you'd pay for a trip out one day but then when you went someone else paid for you and she was left to pay for herself. I told her what I'd heard it was all about and she said there must have been a misunderstanding somewhere and she'd been trying to contact you to make up but you weren't picking up. I said that after the other day I'm not surprised you aren't picking up and maybe she should just send a message to say sorry and leave it there. She said she'd do that.

OP posts:
Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 15:17

Update from party friend:
Have heard from xxxxx. She asked if the message I sent was about her. I stated it was just to clarify everything for next week as I needed to confirm bookings for who us coming to what. This was her reply 'it's a good thing you did that. People can get confused at these things. I've noticed some people haven't been paying their fair share lately. Everyone has different rules and it's hard to keep track. '

OP posts:
TobleroneBoo · 06/04/2018 15:18

😂😂 she has so much front!

LapdanceShoeshine · 06/04/2018 15:20

She’s not getting it, is she? Hmm

Anyway, OP, it sounds as if everybody else is on the same page as you, so I hope you’re feeling better about it all today Smile