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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 06/04/2018 08:26

Drop the !!!! OP - it looks like excited and happy. And drop the 'hey!' too.

Just 'Busy today. Will see you next week.'

This. Short and to the point, shows you're not a walkover but have no interest in letting it dominate your time.

Ineke · 06/04/2018 08:28

That sounds far too nice, imo as above,' busy today, see you next week.' Just don't engage with her or leave a space for her to get at you.

AllNamesTakenhell · 06/04/2018 08:28

I would go for the nessage above don't think there's anything to sort out. See you at xxxx's party.

You know she likes drama and to bully, that wont change. Do you really want to go back to friends with her when she is so volitile? Surely civility and a wide berth is best? Or it will happen again- either to you or to a friend, who you will be expected to cut off.

Your message sounds too eager. I read it as a touch desperate tbh. I know you are desperate to put this behind you but i can bet you that she will read it as you jumping to get into her good books. And the phone call wont go well for you.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2018 08:30

I agree, it sounds too nice, that yiu have forgiven and forgotten, which I don't think is the case. Been busy, see you next week. Short and curt.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/04/2018 08:33

There's really nothing to talk about, is there.
YOu tried, she blanked you.
She doesn't get to do it on her terms now, because there won't be anyone there to witness it.
I agree you send a deflecting message along the lines of
"I don't think there is anything to sort out, let's just move on, see you at the party". I also agree with leaving out all !, all xx, and anything else that isn't just straightly factual.

It might be that she thinks "oops, I've fucked up" but equally (actually, more likely) it might just be her trying to tell you all over again how YOU have fucked up - and YOU have NOT. She has.

I'm sorry that this shitty situation is making you cry - totally understand it, I have something similar going on with my sister at the moment that is stressing me to the eyeballs - but stay strong and don't let her bully you! xx

WowLookAtYou · 06/04/2018 08:38

Doesn't "Let's move on" mean "let's sweep all my bad behaviour under the carpet and forget it, without me having to actually apologise for it?"

candlefloozy · 06/04/2018 08:44

Can't believe his woman!! I really can't. I'm
Gobsmacked.
I'd do what someone else suggested and answer the phone with someone else present on speakerphone. You've done nothing wrong. She's barmy.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2018 08:45

Or "Nothing to sort out, everyone knows where they stand, see you next week"

Ineke · 06/04/2018 08:49

Also, she is a bully, not anyone that you would wish to connect with on any level. Strike her out of your thoughts and waste no more of your precious energy on such shit, life is too short, forget her.

zzzzz · 06/04/2018 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 08:51

Re worded it without the ! and less friendliness then sent. Friend who is seeing her this morning has called to ask if anything else has happened. Have told her everything. She says she'll let me know how it goes.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/04/2018 08:54

Hopefully this will be the end of it - if she realises that no one agrees with her, she'll either go off in a huff herself or wind her neck in and work out that she's in the wrong.

Mummingainteasy · 06/04/2018 08:54

Wow, she sounds like hard work!

The message you sent sounds good!

Don't get upset about it and don't not go to the party! X

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 06/04/2018 08:59

You sound a nice person OP I'm sorry you are tying yourself in knots over this, everything you have said stated sounds completely reasonable and, I imagine to most people, quite standard. As others have said the host pays for their child's birthday party activity that's usually how it is, but expecting you to pay for subsequent meet ups at the same venue is ridiculous, what planet is she off. I think you should put it to her, if every time you suggested a casual meet up she expects you to foot the bill, how expensive would that be. Her interpretation is ridiculous and opportunistic, hence the deluge of support for you. Have more faith in your judgement, she is the one out of step. Good luck.

Badweekjustgotworse · 06/04/2018 09:01

She’s making out like you’re not being an adult with that message, she’s doing her best to sound reasonable so she can get the last word in.
Text her back and tell her the only adult action required now if for her to accept that she’s been unreasonable and behaved horridly towards you and that you’ll happily accept her apology for her unreasonable expectations and manipulative behaviour.

Genuinely, unless she’s offering an apology I’d let the friendship fade, she’s not a reasonable person, why would you want to put effort into maintaining a friendship where you have to walk on eggshells?

CollyWombles · 06/04/2018 09:11

Well, to echo what so many others have said, YANBU.

Calling you after blocking you on social media? Wow.

You are dealing with it so well OP. It will blow over and someone else will be her next victim Confused

FirstTimeMum07 · 06/04/2018 09:42

She's 100% a CF

rebbykay · 06/04/2018 09:53

I find the best thing to do with people like this is to ask them directly, preferably in front of others, what you have done wrong.

"I'm sorry, but I'm very confused. What exactly have I done wrong? Can you at least explain?"

Judging by what you have written so far she is likely to say "you know what you did wrong," or "I don't need to go into it."

At which point, say clearly "it sounds to me as if you expected me to pay for xxxx to do soft play - twice - and for all your drinks and food. I don't understand why you would expect me to do that. Am I wrong?"

Asking her to explain herself outright and confronting her to say out loud what the issue is should make her at least acknowledge how ridiculous her claim is.

Figgygal · 06/04/2018 09:55

I expect she's backtracking because when she told anyone what happened people told her that she is completely mad

Lizzycou · 06/04/2018 10:23

I agree drop the Hey and drop all the !! Apart from that it’s good but still far nicer than she deserves!

Quantumblue · 06/04/2018 10:35

I think she will pretend to be normal from now on at least in front of others.

Lacucuracha · 06/04/2018 10:50

'I'm going to try to call again tomorrow (meaning today). Please pick up when I do. I just want to talk this out like adults so we can move on ok? Xxxxx '

That doesn't sound normal and calm to me! It's an order disguised in polite language. And when she says 'like adults' she is implying you are not acting like an adult.

Glad you kept your response cool!

Clutterbugsmum · 06/04/2018 10:51

I'm thinking she panicking as her 'normal' behaviour towards her 'friends' isn't working with you because you haven't kept quite or accepted her behaviour so now she now how to act.

Hopefully if she speaks to your other friend today that your friend points out she has a lot to apologise for her behaviour towards you and that is the only way to move forward. Then refuse to discuss this any further.

I was wondering if she was new into your group.

IStillMissBlockbuster · 06/04/2018 10:52

Good text message OP. She subs absolutely bananas and the less contact you have with her the better. I don't think it will help to talk about it even more and in her terms only. You tried, she was unreasonable, best leave it there.

StormTreader · 06/04/2018 10:53

Do you really think that someones whos left almost 20 missed calls on your phone in the last few days will be totally rational and adult on the phone now? Not a chance.
DO NOT speak to this woman about this unless there are other witnesses there.

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