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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
profile22 · 06/04/2018 03:16

OMG No you are NOT in the wrong!! I’ve been a Mum for almost 14 yrs, and never have I been paid for, or paid for anyone else! If we meet at softplay for example, we all pay our own entry, coffee or lunch, and of course our children’s. Is she some kind of princess? What an absolute cheek! I am a really generous person, and think nothing of treating people to a coffee or
More etc, but she’s taking the piss with her diva demands. You meet all sorts of weird and wonderful people when u have children. Just put her down to experience!

Mycatsaninja · 06/04/2018 05:31

OP have a friend round and when she next phones , answer and put her on speakerphone ! Then just say ‘yes?’ And let her do her worst ! Then you have a witness to her toxic nastiness !!

0nTheEdge · 06/04/2018 07:27

Please don't give into her unreasonableness now, it will validate her behaviour and make her feel like she can pull the same shit again with you and your other friends. I know it must feel overwhelming, it's confusing when someone is acting so irrationality and unfairly, it makes us question ourselves. I don't think you should answer your phone unless you have a sympathetic friend there who won't see our as you trying to create drama. It's very unlikely she's ringing to apologise (which is what she should be doing!) You have Mumsnet army on your side, and more importantly your real life friends on your side. You've acted calmly and fairly. Please keep it up OP.

elisenbrunnen · 06/04/2018 07:50

she's just a CF. kick her in the slats - well what a charming phrase Hmm. Yes violence is always the answer Hmm

OP - she is ringing you because you have 'obviously got at' the new party hostess. She thinks the goalposts have now been changed to 'everyone pays their own way'. Not that it was like that since time immemorial!

I agree - don't apologise in any way. She should know by know that on informal 'meet-ups' everyone pays for their own. Freeloading CF!

ThinkingOfCeline · 06/04/2018 07:52

Op please don't do the "You're right" thing, it's passive agressive as hell, would likely backfire and instead of shaming her will reinforce her nuttiness and would definitely make me (as an outsider) wonder if there was more to the situation if I heard it.

If I were you at the birthday party I would:
A) make sure I wasn't caught alone by her.
B) if I did have to interact, and she turned the subject to her being a wild cow I'd say as firmly and succinctly as possible "I know you'll agree a child's birthday party really isn't the time for this, excuse me" and move/turn away.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2018 07:53

Unreasonable, you have no reason to cry, this woman is off her trolly, and is crazy. She is a chancer and a cheeky fucker, and I would have very little to do with her. I would not record anything. Your other friends have the measure of her, I am sure. I would just arrange to meet up without her, and ignore her calls. Go to any meet ups, its your right, with your head held high. So I ask my friends if they want to meet up for dinner, so I should pay well over £100 so that I can meet up with friends, stupid, nobody does that, unless its agreed before.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 07:53

Woke to a message that sounds back to the normal calm friend, but I'm wary of it.
'I'm going to try to call again tomorrow (meaning today). Please pick up when I do. I just want to talk this out like adults so we can move on ok? Xxxxx '

OP posts:
Kissthealderman · 06/04/2018 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 06/04/2018 07:57

Don't engage, honestly.

Send a text back "so busy today, it's all good, nothing to chat through, made my position clear.x"

She did this. She tried to isolate and bully you. She's not done yet.

fuzzyfozzy · 06/04/2018 07:58

"I tried to sort it out like adults yesterday, you tried to isolate me and growled at me"

AsAProfessionalPenis · 06/04/2018 08:02

I would text back as above that you are busy but say there is nothing to discuss
As far as you are concerned unless it is a party with a proper invite you pay for yourselves. So hope she understands that so there can be no confusion

DownTownAbbey · 06/04/2018 08:08

Don't forget that she threatened you. Never drop your guard around her. Even if all goes back to normal for now you need eyes in the back of your head from now on.

jessebuni · 06/04/2018 08:09

Well that’s really a bit of a no win situation now isn’t it OP. If you answer and speak to her it’s likely to result in my arguing and stress. But if you don’t answer after her sending a message that sounds perfectly reasonable it makes you look like you’re the one being childish and she will be quick enough to point that out to mutual friends.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2018 08:10

I agree with ASAProfessional, short and curt, to the point. Try to give her a wide berth.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 06/04/2018 08:11

Agree with texting saying you're very busy and there's nothing to discuss. If she pushes arrange a time with a friend so it can be speakerphoned.

CoffeeOrSleep · 06/04/2018 08:11

What fuzzy said.

Or "I don't think there's anything to sort out. See you at xxxx's party." If she's after drama, that'll piss her off

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2018 08:11

I am sure that mutual friends can make their mind up about her, especially if she moves onto the next victim. If they side with her, they are no friends at all.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 06/04/2018 08:11

So how about along the lines of:
'Hey! Really busy today so I can't take a call. But no need to worry, as I said, happy to forget and move on from this now we know where we stand. See you next week! '

OP posts:
jessebuni · 06/04/2018 08:12

If it were me I would answer and speak to her but be saying you honestly don’t understand how she ended up so angry in the first place and that you did want to forget it happened the other day when she clearly didn’t want to discuss it. Obviously if she is going to back down and say it must have been a misunderstanding etc just want to make peace. Then it’s probably safest to make peace but never forget this incident and how she tried to freeze you out from not just her but other friends as well. Always have your guard up with her in future.

CoffeeOrSleep · 06/04/2018 08:12

Great!

Or "I don't think there's anything to sort out. See you at xxxx's party."

Less friendly.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/04/2018 08:13

Yes that is fine, but you need to now be wary around her, I would have little to do with her as possible.

jessebuni · 06/04/2018 08:13

The text message acknowledging that you’re fine to forget the incident also works

LexieLulu · 06/04/2018 08:15

I think the message OP suggested is fine!

I think she'll be miffed that the other mum posted on the group about everyone's paying for their own food, as it's obvious it's aimed at her and she'll know you've told them. Probably why she's calling x

elisenbrunnen · 06/04/2018 08:16

Drop the !!!! OP - it looks like excited and happy. And drop the 'hey!' too.

Just 'Busy today. Will see you next week.'

thatsmyjoomper · 06/04/2018 08:18

I think that by not answering her call it's getting blown up even further. She'll think you're ignoring her, unwilling to talk to her and this will get fed back to everyone as 'I've tried to sort it out like a grown up but she's being really childish and ignoring me.' Even though she was obviously in the wrong in the first place, I think it'd be better to take her call and be amicable again (hopefully) before the party so there is no bad feeling on the day that could ruin a child's special day.