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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 05/04/2018 22:28

Sending you a virtual hug. Hang in there, she’s batshit. Even if you had done something minorly terribly like a financial snub (which you didn’t) her responses and constant calls are OTT. I’m guessing she’s not the most rational person when wound up and with the constant hounding she’s not giving herself time to calm down and attempt to be rational. All fat from grown up behaviour from her.

SezziBaybee · 05/04/2018 22:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Starlight2345 · 05/04/2018 22:29

Op .. I would hope you are busy tomorrow . I agree don’t answer calls

Awhoosh · 05/04/2018 22:41

OP, no wonder you're upset. I think you've dealt with this really well.

LapdanceShoeshine · 05/04/2018 22:42

I agree that you shouldn’t speak to her without a witness, so definitely don’t answer the phone to her, or allow her to corner you anywhere - make sure you’re always with at least 1 sane friend. Block her number on your phone & it’ll go straight to voicemail - she can always leave a message Wink

(She’s not texting or WhatsApping you because she doesn’t want you to have written evidence of what she says.)

You are doing well, you know - of course it’s upsetting, but you are coping Flowers

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 23:02

Sympathies, OP. This sort of shit is upsetting, even when everyone involved is aware that it's the other person who is in the wrong. I had some trouble nearly a decade ago with an absolute fucknugget who tried to drag everyone else into his (mostly delusional on his side) beef with me. I mainly laughed about it and refused to engage with him, but I did have spells of switching on the laptop and having an absolute fit of shivering, wondering what that day's deluge of fuckwittery was going to be.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/04/2018 23:08

If she’s blocked you on WhatsApp you’ll both still see messages from eachother on group chats but not be able to send separate private messages to eachother. It’s an odd quirk of WhatsApp.

zzzzz · 05/04/2018 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MustShowDH · 05/04/2018 23:20

Don't cry. You have the Mumsnet army behind you. Let's face it, if people on here thought you were in the wrong, they're not backward in coming forward, but no one thinks you are.

Knittedfairies · 05/04/2018 23:30

What an absurd situation. Just try to ignore her; engaging with a crazy person is never a good idea. Breeze through every situation where you see her - let her know by your actions that all this is beneath you.

browneyes77 · 05/04/2018 23:40

Wow. Just wow!

This woman is off her fucking rocker!

OP you have done nothing wrong. In fact you’ve handled it better than I would. I’d have told her she was a childish, insane fuckwit long before now!

She sounds like an absolute loony tune!

And as someone upthread said, she’s ringing you loads now because she’s panicking that her fuckwittery has been outed. So she wants to moan at you for what she probably perceived as you telling everyone more than likely. Ignore her, let her be the one going to bed stressed instead of you!

Flowers
DickTERFin · 05/04/2018 23:49

If this was a "thing" in that social circle, then all your other friends would have jumped in a said "Oh yeah, we always pay if we invite someone" or at least acknowledge that this is a "thing" with that particular friend. They didn't, so it isn't.

She thought she was onto a winner when you paid for her meal at the birthday and thought she could milk your generosity for all it was worth and she's also clocked that you're soft hearted and potentially a bit of a pushover (I say that kindly as a reformed pushover) and is seeing her arse over this as a tactic to make you cave. It's just basic common or garden cheeky fuckery and not worth getting upset over. As long as you stand your ground, engage as little as possible, she'll capitulate (probably in an epically grandiose style), so as not to lose face.

Hard not to feel intimidated in the face of a raging psunami of entitled fuckwittery though, I do understand.

MummytoCSJH · 06/04/2018 00:01

I am Shock at this thread. It's always the done thing to pay for children invited to a birthday party, but not the parents and CERTAINLY not a general chit chat soft play date - which she wasn't even invited to. I can't believes shes now bringing friends into it too. Wtf!! She's mad! Confused

Motoko · 06/04/2018 00:02

I don't think you should do the "You're right" that a pp suggested. It will just reinforce in her mind that she was right all along, and she'll milk that to death.
It might also make the others doubt you, thinking that there must have been something more to it, like you had agreed to pay her entry, but then reneged on the deal.

You need to stand your ground. You have done nothing wrong and have the backing of your other friends. Just ignore her, and if she starts on at you when you meet up, walk away, don't engage.

Icanttakemuchmore · 06/04/2018 00:38

Cfer! The dds party was different. No one would expect you to pay for them. Good grief.

Sorka · 06/04/2018 00:44

I second Motoko. Saying she’s right would make you look culpable.

Icanttakemuchmore · 06/04/2018 00:45

Op it's not you that needs to do the smoothing. You haven't done anything wrong. Just ignore or block her number.

Happygummibear · 06/04/2018 01:09

I have been following this thread and have to ask... i does this person have a partner?

my DH would notice if I had rung someone several times In an evening and would have asked what I was doing.... if I then explained to him this scenario he would be questioning my sanity and stop me from behaving so terribly afterall he is there to protect me and point out when I am being a div.... he is quite a good sounding board to check if I am ever BU

So I sincerely hope she is single and doing this out of loneliness and if there is a partner they might just be as poisonous.

I agree with others don't say to her "I was wrong " or anything to that effect as that will just confirm in her derranged head that she is right when she isn't. I would personally just turn up and carry on as normal and let her dig her own hole. People will see her for what she is.

It's really hard but don't let her get to you or doubt your own kindness.

sockunicorn · 06/04/2018 01:23

I wouldn’t answer the phone Op. just do everything in front of others. That way she can’t bully you. From her previous conversations she 100% believes it’s your fault and I don’t see that changing.

Deidre21 · 06/04/2018 01:27

Mental

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 06/04/2018 01:27

Just say to her you don't earn money so you can pay for her days out, and never speak to her again.

Wetwashing00 · 06/04/2018 02:03

Stick with friends at the party so she can’t collar you on your own.
If she goes nuts in front of everyone, just let her, she will
Only expose herself for the Nutjob she is.
I Don’t know how you cannot answer her calls though, I’d be too curious to find out what she wants to say.

CircleSquareCircleSquare · 06/04/2018 02:03

Squirrel shit springs to mind.
As in she is nuttier than.

I would not want to socialise with her ever again after the growling incident.

What’s she like generally? Does she have a lot of drama in her life?

hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2018 02:57

OP please don't let this bully make you cry.
She's just not worth it.
I hope Italy gets resolved.

Fleshmechanic · 06/04/2018 03:02

What a nutter. You pay when it's child's birthday because you basically have to, that's how soft plays and other birthdays like that are booked. But generally going out? So if you were like, wanna come to the cinema, you should pay? I wonder how her teenage years worked out if this is how she is as an adult 😐😐. You should have just let her invite you every time and then she'd have to pay by her logic lol.