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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 05/04/2018 21:13

dont text her dont engage anymore

sonjadog · 05/04/2018 21:13

I would just not answer the phone rather than record her. Recording seems an unnecessarily dramatic action to take. Your friends aren´t going to want to hear a recording of a conversation with her - how uncomfortable that would be to be dragged into someone else´s conflict like that...

Thebluedog · 05/04/2018 21:16

I’d simply ignore the calls and make sure you’ve got a good friend with you when you see or speak to her next. She’ll dig herself a hole. If anyone asks you what’s happened simply tell them the truth and keep to the facts. Lots of people will be out for the gossip, just stick to what you know and she’ll look the loony she is

NameyMcChangeRae · 05/04/2018 21:16

Flipping heck Confused

NameyMcChangeRae · 05/04/2018 21:21

If it was me OP, I’d ignore her calls, and be pleasant but distant whenever you see her socially.

BUT I really want to know what she has to say, so do me a favour and answer her calls will you? Grin

summerlovingliz · 05/04/2018 21:21

What a lunatic.. agree with others, don't enter into any conversation, just ignore and be civil at grp meetings

Mammalamb · 05/04/2018 21:22

I would just block and ignore her. She’s bloody nuts

ChevalierTialys · 05/04/2018 21:25

Just read this whole thing and am utterly amazed at the cheeky fuckery going on here!

I saw a comment by an MN poster once that I have saved for special occasions such as this. This is a perfect example of a cheeky fucker displaying gobsmackingly mind numbing BOVINE COMMITMENT TO ABSOLUTE FUCKWITTERY!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/04/2018 21:25

I think in this case discretion is the better part of valour, you're right not to take her calls. (You know my Granny used to say that all the time, I never really understood it until I had DC and had to deal with other parents, especially at the school gates.)

Bluntness100 · 05/04/2018 21:26

I'd also not engage with her, don't give her the satisfaction and no good will come of it. Let her stew now.

Blondielongie · 05/04/2018 21:32

She sounds bonkers. I don't like confrontation either.

But what i'd do next time you see her (and probably a lot people will disagree) is say, 'you're right, I should have told you I wasn't going to pay for you before we met'.
She's wrong, and you shouldn't have to explain this, but sometimes saying 'you're right' can disarm someone whos being an aggressive twat. What can she say if you say that? If she comes back with 'Yeah, you were out of order' you can say, 'I know, I think its best if we don't really meet up anymore because I'm so dreadful and such a shit friend'. And keep insisting that you are not a good match, but no hard feelings - seriously, who cares how you get rid of her? This approach will also keep your mutual friends out of it and they will know its not your fault. The non-confrontational way to cut her off. She sounds like a dull drama queen.

TruJay · 05/04/2018 21:36

Blood Confused
Nope just saying what I would do and if I was to answer the call, I'd be recording it.
Op is obviously going to do what she feels comfortable with.

TruJay · 05/04/2018 21:39

At the end of the day, we all agree the OP is NBU and that's what the initial question was.

Mivery · 05/04/2018 21:39

People are truly unbelievable.

hks · 05/04/2018 21:39

Just looking for a free day out. Its expensive enough to pay for yourself and child without paying for somone elses family.
i used to meet up with a friend for a chat and have coffee etc when i was paying it was a coffee shop / cafe when she paid it was always the Asda cafe.( she also got the stamps to get a free cup)
i had to stop as it was becoming an expensive meet up by the time i paid bus fare to the town she lived in and then pay for coffee's

Jazzy11 · 05/04/2018 21:42

This woman sounds like she has some deeper issues. Whatever you do stand your ground and set the record straight with mutual friends. I’m sure when everyone hears the real story from you they will be equally shocked as us.
How she has behaved is not normal at all ! Just be straight with her and say ‘I don’t want to cause a divide/situation between mutual friends but I know that I haven’t done anything wrong and won’t be apologising for anything at all. I am happy to be civil and move on for our friends and children’s sake. However, moving forward i don’t think it would be apt to have 1on1 play dates in the future’.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 21:48

BlackAmericano I think i still don't get that phrase. Feeling really under the weather, not sure if it's stress and tiredness from this or if I'm coming down with something. My friend from soft play is supposed to be meeting up with her tomorrow, in part encouraged by me to judge where she's at anger wise. I've decided I'm going to ignore her til after that. She's now the only mum who hasn't answered something on the group chat. But I'm not sure if that's just that I can't see it as I'm still blocked. I don't want to text anyone to ask and risk more fuss. I've been pleasantly surprised by how much people appear to be backing me. I'm much newer to the area so non of my friendships go back further than about a year whereas she's known a few since nct meetings.

OP posts:
SpinningBob · 05/04/2018 21:49

I fully agree with KingIrving above. It's a horrid situation, which she has fully created, however it has now gone on long enough, and carrying it on any further won't do you any good. Personally I would answer the phone. Be cool, calm and collected, and actually have a conversation with the woman, to get to the bottom of it and clear it up one way or another. Then you can stop speculating about it eith others, and worrying yourself to the point of crying. It really isn't anything to do with anyone else in the wider friendship circle,despite her trying to draw a crowd, and you dont need to let it escalate any further.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 21:52

The 'you're right ' Is a good idea I'll bring out if things are weird at the party to calm things down. Tho I am wondering about being prepared to leave/ not going if she does because I don't want to ruin my friend's lo' s birthday. She's said it's fine but I'd have been gutted if two arguing friends ruined my dds birthday.

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 05/04/2018 21:53

If you were my friend I’d be furious with her for upsetting you by being a nobrot.

Storminateapot · 05/04/2018 21:56

There can only be two arguing friends if you both argue and there is no need for you to do so. Your friends are backing you because you're right. I fail to see any way that she could possibly justify her opinions to anyone without causing people to be afraid to socialise with her in case of it being assumed that they must pay for the chosen venue in perpetuity.

Mum2oneStepmum2two · 05/04/2018 21:59

Just ignore her if she is nasty at the party and let her show herself up. Be polite but keep yourself away from her as much as possible. Do not be the one to leave - if it’s that bad, she will show herself to be a nutcase and hopefully she will be asked to leave; especially if you suggest to the host that perhaps you should leave as you don’t want to ruin anything for the birthday kid.
Let others see her for how she is, if they dont already know. Although it sounds like some are aware already as you said they said she has always been funny about money!

sparkleandsunshine · 05/04/2018 21:59

Well I wouldn’t answer the phone, I don’t like confrontation and I bet she’s raging because she knows the clarification on WhatsApp is down to her, she’s cracked. I would wait until after your friend has met up with her and if you want to speak to her then then do it with your friend present and let her listen in, that way you have someone there to confirm if she goes batshit at you and then tells all the friends a different story xx

Goodasgoldilox · 05/04/2018 22:06

I don't think you should engage with her. Her text suggests that you won't make much sense out of what she says.

Stay graceful - just breeze over it as if you've forgotten about it next time you cross paths. Everyone now knows what happened. You all think one way - she things another. That is that.

Take the drama out -ignore any fuss she makes -but don't meet her on your own.

Nik122 · 05/04/2018 22:06

I would be scared to ask any of my friends out incaze this is what they though. She sounds absolutely off her head! Nutcase.

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