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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
Nicpem1982 · 05/04/2018 20:46

Wow op she sounds unhinged

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 05/04/2018 20:48

Be careful about recording the call and sharing as it might actually make you look like the bad guy.

DiWoo · 05/04/2018 20:49

no you haven't done anything wrong.
I would have sent a text using Avasarala's "You didn't speak to me. You wouldn't sit with us. You growled when I came back to my seat. You expected me to pay for your child and you to have a day out after you called me and asked to meet up. We all go out, we all pay for ourselves. Birthday parties do not count. This isn't friendly or high road behaviour. I've told you I will put it behind me, but I can't do that if you keep behaving like this" and Fia256's "I'm really struggling to understand your bizarre behaviour and I'm getting fed up dealing with it. I don't see what you could possibly have to say on the phone now that you couldn't say when I tried talking to you earlier. I don't have time to play childish mind games and have nothing more to say on it all, especially after being made to feel so uncomfortable by you today" so that you spell it out for her.
I'm also glad you told your mutual friends so they know what to expect and also by speaking out, others may come forward. And as someone else said, be factual not emotional.
I hope this will show her that you are not going to take it lying down.

TruJay · 05/04/2018 20:52

How can it make op look like a bad guy? If someone threatened me "on my head be it" or whatever she said, I'd damn well be recording what she was saying to me. Who does she think she is?! She is the bad guy, no one behaves like that at average, everyday, bog standard play gym meet ups.

Don't live in fear of answering her calls op, answer and tell her to piss off or block the silly cow so you're not having missed calls building up, she's being a bloody bully.

rednsparkley · 05/04/2018 20:53

She sounds more unhinged with every move she makes!

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2018 20:54

Why are you crying, yiu have done nothing wrong. She has made herself look like a massive twat in front of everyone, and she knows it.

yasmin0147 · 05/04/2018 20:54

Wow she sounds really annoying, I wouldn’t expect someone to pay for my child, unless it was a birthday party and it was already agreed, I think she’s acting like a princess and your well rid tbh.

Returnofthesmileybar · 05/04/2018 20:54

Saying record the call isn't looking for drama CoffeeorSleep, it's sensible, the woman is nuts and since the op has done nothing wrong and has to see her socially again there is no point in ignoring her, she may as well face it privately instead of publicly. And it's a good idea to record as the woman sounds like she would lie about what was said

DoctorWhatTheFuck · 05/04/2018 20:57

Trujay

Someone experienced at such fuckery may find ways to twist the conversation and make HERSELF look persecuted; ‘she’s even recording my calls, woe is me !!!11!’ That’s what I meant by op ending up looking like the bad guy is Puffincunt twists things.

Bunnyfuller · 05/04/2018 20:58

Ok, she's just a CF. kick her in the slats. What a cow making such a rude and pointless deal over some fucking soft play!

TruJay · 05/04/2018 21:00

Doctor possibly, I just imagine what she has to say would be more absolute lunacy anyway so recording her could only show her in a bad light - that's what I'm thinking. And if any mutual friends wanted to believe her twisted crap over me when I'd done nothing wrong could happily withdraw their friendship from me anyway

Goodasgoldilox · 05/04/2018 21:00

It is horrible to be the target of this. So sorry you are feeling it.
She has probably done this to others too - it won't be your fault.

No doubt later in the week she will be after her bin men for not paying her before emptying the bins.

There will be queues behind her at the supermarket as she waits for Mr Tesco to buy her an basketful

I wonder what she charges the dentist for looking at her teeth?

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 21:01

Isnt it illegal to record someone without their knowledge?

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 05/04/2018 21:01

There's absolutely no indication that the 'confusion' has anything to do with you. She knows the friend she tried to annex yesterday knows what's going on and she is also the one who chose to message others on the subject to try to alienate everyone against you. She created this drama and confusion so, to coin her phrase, 'on her head be it'.

You've done nothing wrong. The only explanation for any of this that could possibly make any sense is that she somehow thinks you either have some stake in the soft play place that gives you free entry which you are refusing to extend to her.

My brother has recently opened a restaurant where I pay full price like everyone else because it's his livelihood, not a game. However my own version of CF friend has messaged me suggesting I 'treat her' to lunch there. I think not.

Goodasgoldilox · 05/04/2018 21:04

Just be sure to have someone with you when you encounter her (whether on the phone or in life). Avoid being just the two of you for now.

Goodasgoldilox · 05/04/2018 21:05

I think it might be illegal to record someone secretly. In any case it is better just to have others with you - as support.

asterlogan · 05/04/2018 21:06

Utterly transfixed as to how this will turn out. She’s certifiable by the way and I hope to god everyone in your friendship group come to this realisation very quickly, for all your sakes. Big hugs, good luck!!

Meli1977 · 05/04/2018 21:08

😲😲😲

She is an idiot. Tell her to get a sugar daddy if she wants a free ride in life.

mickeysminnie · 05/04/2018 21:08

I would text her and say you are unable to answer the phone, is there something she needs.
Make sure all her batshittery is in written form or witnessed so she can't twist it after.

LexieLulu · 05/04/2018 21:10

Are you not planning on speaking to her at all? Have you got anyway of sending a text to her or are you blocked?

DragonRoar · 05/04/2018 21:10

You've done nothing wring she is a CF wannabe freeloader.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 05/04/2018 21:10

Its not illegal to record someone without their knowledge AFAIK, but its not admissible in a court of law unless transcribed. Its more what you do with it than doing it IYSWIM

starrybee · 05/04/2018 21:10

She's now left a further 6 missed calls on my phone since the message went out....

She is unstable.

As for the whatsapp thing, unless things have changed I think blocked users can still see one another's messages in group chats.

Howdydoodyfolks · 05/04/2018 21:11

I think it is only illegal if you plan to use the recording in a court of law and didnt tell them, otherwise no one would have any recordings of anything i.e. road rage etc

KingIrving · 05/04/2018 21:12

Some MNers are always after blood. Don't be pushed into doing something you might regret.
People do and say weird things all the time. It has already gotten out of proportion and confrontation, recording phone calls, will only make things worse.
Cut the steam. Right now, nobody can blame you for anything. Keep it that way.
It is an horrendous situation, you are hurt and pained. Cut it short for you own good. you are already crying.
If she comes after you, send a message saying, " I have already explained how birthday invitations and meet ups differ in terms of who pays what . I am moving on from this and hope you can do the same"

Whatever suggestion you received from MN, wait 30 min before sending any kind of message. Cool down first and use a clear head.

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