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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
GinghamStyle · 05/04/2018 18:24

This is crazy. The only time we ever pay for each other to get into soft play is when one of us is broke and they pay for me next time or when the place doesn't take card payments for under £5 and one parent pays for entry and the other opens the tab for coffees.

Over the years, I've had a couple of friends that like to alternate who's paying for coffee when we meet up, but never have I ever come across anyone insisting on being paid for to go to a soft play when it isn't a birthday party!

I think your friend needs a very blunt explanation that when you invited her to your DD's party, it was to celebrate her birthday and she was invited to join you for a meal as part of that celebration and you paid for her meal to continue that celebration. However much DD would like it to be, it is not DD's Birthday every time you meet up and so you have no obligation to keep paying for both families!

At least now you know, beyond all doubt, who your bonkers friend is!!

N2986 · 05/04/2018 18:30

Wtaf! Best CF thread I've seen!

PolarBearkshire · 05/04/2018 18:42

Total idiot. Good riddance. Send her a card with psychologist details. Lol. She will lose it.

SadieHH · 05/04/2018 18:44

I’d have had to text her back and say;

Hey Cuntpuffin, just interested as to why you think I should pay for you and your sprogs every time we meet up? Did I win the lottery and not realise? Or are you just a cheeky fucker?

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2018 18:49

Boy she has more front than the Taj Mahal, and is up there with Zuki cat's CF shop supervisor, regarding her babysitting for free regularly. I personally would arrange to meet up with the friends separately from now on, I just could not bring myself to see her anymore. Bet she won't treat anybody else.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 05/04/2018 18:54

Definitely warn the other party host. Though it would be very interesting to see if she tries it with them too. If she doesn't it may be that she's been looking for an excuse to get at you personally. I suspect that may be the case as she's refusing to fill people in on the real details, she probably knows people will call her crazy.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 05/04/2018 18:55

If I paid every time I invited people to things I'd be massively in debt.
sometimes if youre going to the counter to get coffees you will get friends coffee/ like a round of drinks etc, I always buy lunch for friend who gives me free Babysitting
Different friendship groups have different arrangements and that's fine and dandy if all agree and know the rules

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 05/04/2018 18:57

OP, is there any chance she thinks you’re dating?

(I don’t know if you’re a man/gay)

The reason I ask that is because dating is often an area where it is (debatably) accepted that the man/the pursuer pays for outings.

Lacucuracha · 05/04/2018 19:03

Wtf Fifi?! Strangest placemark ever.

MustShowDH · 05/04/2018 19:05

Anyone else asks what's going on, just send them a link to this thread and say it's all explained here....

I wouldn't want to be alone with this woman. You'll be accused of all sorts.

HolyMountain · 05/04/2018 19:05

Fifi what?Grin

Lellikelly26 · 05/04/2018 19:12

She is a bottom feeder as my DH would say. I think you were generous buying everyone dinner after your dc’s party. Good riddance to her I’d say

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/04/2018 19:23

The thing that concerns me is your other mutual friends haven’t really contacted you, which would indicate she’s possibly been working on them. I hope for your sake she doesn’t manage to ostracise you.

Mum2oneStepmum2two · 05/04/2018 19:34

She sounds like my husband’s ex wife lol! She said/did something similar to a mum of one of my stepson’s friends and regularly loses friends or falls out with mums at the school. She is truly batshit crazy and causes nothing but hell for anyone she knows but lives in a land in her head where she sits on a throne and people kiss her feet! The cf person you are having the problem with sounds just like her. Ignore and walk away. Don’t engage in conversation and definitely don’t engage in eye contact - you might burn!!!

DiWoo · 05/04/2018 19:42

Hang on a minute, both times she phoned you and invited you, you should have gone and waited for her to pay

Annette69 · 05/04/2018 19:43

Fifi - are you drunk ? 😂

Katherine2626 · 05/04/2018 19:50

I agree - this is a freeloader who is trying it on and trying to shame you into paying for her. Totally, completely unreasonable and wrong.

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 19:51

Definitely not dating! And not male lol.
As I said before it's not a cultural thing. She is white British, she has never mentioned any other connections. And I've never used the word invite, 'we're going here, you want to join us?'
While she was with me today the party host has sent a group message out to everyone coming. 'Due to recent confusion, I want to make sure everyone is happy they know what is happening at xxxx's party next week.' She's paying for the party bit but not the meals after as I expected. Some of the mum's going who don't know both me and the CFF (?) have queried saying that's what they expected what's the confusion. Most of the rest have just put a thumbs up including me. She's not responded yet as far as I know, but will I see if she's blocked me?

OP posts:
Mum2oneStepmum2two · 05/04/2018 19:52

SadieHH

“Cuntpuffin” 😂 I’m stealing this!!!!

Goodasgoldilox · 05/04/2018 19:52

Fifi have you often been dating at soft-play centres?

Is this where one meets that famously difficult partner, the 'manchild'?

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2018 19:56

This woman sounds stupid, you should not need to clarify, its obvious people pay their own way, unless you are told. Some people are so thick they need it spoon fed to them.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2018 20:03

She is bloody chancing her arm, what a CF of the highest order!

YouTheCat · 05/04/2018 20:03

I'm glad you gave the party giver a heads up about this. At least the CF can't claim that she thought her meal would be paid for.

PeapodBurgundy · 05/04/2018 20:04

I can't understand how anyone expects to be paid for at a casual meet up. Myself and a friend got into the habit of paying for everyone one week, and nobody the next after I was skint one week and couldn't afford the meet up. She said she'd rather pay and have the company, so I gratefully accepted the offer. We spend the same ish every week, so I paid everything the following week when my finances had caught up with themselves and it was much easer those two weeks, so we just fell into taking it in turns to pay. That's a weekly meet up though, and the paying thing was discussed in advance. I'd never have assumed anything of the sort!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/04/2018 20:07

That's very well done by the party host. No accusations made but I'm sure CF got the point loud and clear. And there's no way that she can claim it's the done thing to pay for everyone's meal when so many people have said of course they wouldn't expect such a thing. Plus, anyone who's still wondering what CF is making a drama about probably has a much better idea now.