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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
WowLookAtYou · 05/04/2018 15:36

Channel your inner Justine, as she was when attacked by the journalist Liz Jones, and ask her why she thinks you should give her money.

Weezol · 05/04/2018 15:50

Schaden & Lapdance Grin Ace!

Unreasonable I think Cannae's right, especially about the toads. You should probably report Batshit Woman to the RSPCA or log with 101 for drugging and abusing amphibians (grooming behaviour - probably started with newts and worked her way up is my guess. The police will recognise newts as the 'gateway' on her sick path).

Weezol · 05/04/2018 15:52

Bold fail for Cannae there.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/04/2018 16:06

You definitely need to be less vague! Spell out exactly what the mix up was - you don't want her twisting it or other friends being caught out.

StormTreader · 05/04/2018 16:21

'I was trying to take the high road today and help you out. If you can't figure it out then it's on your head what happens.'

To me, this reads "Unless you apologise to me and ask for my forgiveness, I will try my utmost to ruin and ostracise you socially". That's why she was trying to get the other woman to move away from you and has been messaging and ringing you and everyone else constantly.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/04/2018 16:48

She is absolutely crackers. I would be honest to your friends about what happened. They deserve to know. I would try my hardest to give hers very wide berth.

elisenbrunnen · 05/04/2018 17:22

OP - that is absolutely a threat. And I would take it as such.

Make sure all your friends know what's occurred, and don't let it 'blow over'!

Batshit crazy toad!

Annette69 · 05/04/2018 17:34

Absolutely taking the piss, can’t believe people like this actually get through life !

MummyMuppet2x2 · 05/04/2018 17:34

I've only read the OP, but....
What?!?!? Seriously, WHAT!?!?
I can't work these folk out Confused

Piwi1625 · 05/04/2018 17:34

No you're not wrong she's taking the piss! who would expect a person to pay every time they are invited to go somewhere? she damn well know that it's different for a birthday party. She sounds like a leech so don't worry about it

Suzielou66 · 05/04/2018 17:41

She should be very grateful that you paid for her at the party. Crazy woman. No one would expect you to pay for them unless you had offered to do so in advance. She would see that everyone else is paying for themselves. What makes her so special? We often go out and everyone pays for themselves and their own children. I don’t think being blocked on Facebook is any great loss. Who needs friends who treat them like that?!

Bunnyfuller · 05/04/2018 17:45

Just a different view - if she's Eastern European she may genuinely think 'invite' means pay for. My DH is originally from that area and he still says 'I invite you' to signify it's on him. He was also initially shocked when we coughed up for our share when invited out by friends.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 05/04/2018 17:46

Is she English? Perhaps some other custom? Anyway wasn’t she asking you so should pay Grin

1Strawberry · 05/04/2018 17:46

I haven’t read everything so don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but is she from another country? I lived somewhere for a while where this was the rule - if you invited someone anywhere you had to pay for the whole thing, I think (but just a guess) it was because most people couldn’t afford to do paid activities so if you had the money and wanted company you had to pay for them and you... not saying this excuses her behaviour even if this is the case op because she sounds like a general nightmare and trouble maker.

ToftyAC · 05/04/2018 17:47

What in the blueberry fuckmuffins???? She’s a cheeky fucknut who obviously thinks the world owes her a living! And rude/spiteful to boot! Who the hell needs “friends” like that who are so obviously on the take! You paid for her meal during a birthday party - why on earth could she possibly envisage that that means you’ll pay for her all the time. CF

Abbylee · 05/04/2018 17:50

One does not pay to have friends; dimwit.

GreenTulips · 05/04/2018 17:50

if you invited someone anywhere you had to pay for the whole thing

She's not from another country

She asked OP - and OP said she could join them -

Anyway it's 'social' norm for people to pay their own way unless told otherwise!!!

jessebuni · 05/04/2018 17:56

Definitely worth giving the party mum a heads up about it. After all CF might expect a pub meal paid for her again. Nutter!

McMum2Three · 05/04/2018 17:56

If I'm out with friends I'll often say "oh no I'll get this" when it comes to a coffee or that and they do the same in return but I wouldn't expect it of them, no way!

I'd be telling the entire friend group everything that's gone on so they know she's a CF!

Hope you are feeling a bit better about it all OP!

treacletoffee23 · 05/04/2018 18:05

Ill come to soft play! I'll pay for myself and even buy you a cake..
Shes a bully.

cocobilly · 05/04/2018 18:05

Sorry OP I haven’t read all 16 pages of the thread, but wondering whether this could be a cultural thing. I’m from a place where it’s very common / expected for the person inviting to pay for the others (meals etc). It’s not so much the case for younger people and people living outside the country though, they tend to be more flexible about it

CannaeBeErsed · 05/04/2018 18:08

For those who've missed it, OP has said the CFF isn't from a different culture. She's from the UK (though I'm wondering if she's from a different planet!)

momof5gmof2 · 05/04/2018 18:11

This woman is a user, plain and simple. I have had friends like her in the past, and it is expensive. You are well rid of her tbh, as most friends want to get together and have fun for the social interaction and expect to pay for themselves and their own children as a normal thing.

exitrowseat · 05/04/2018 18:13

That’s a bummer OP. You probably should do some sort of “damage control” with your other friends. If this person is bad mouthing you to your mutual friends you probably should let them know what happened, but I’d recommend keeping the high road and do it without trashing her, just calmly lay out the facts. If you calmly maintain your position, you don’t need to fight hard. This is a pretty black and white case of her being unreasonable/inappropriate, and if you stay in your truth without getting whipped up into drama, your friends will clearly see the situation for what it is. And you’ll come out of this as the more compassionate, mature person. Good luck, these kinds of situations are never fun - like we don’t all have enough other stuff going on that we have to deal with these kinds of things! Smile

whaaaaaaaaat · 05/04/2018 18:23

I know someone like this. Total drama queen, selfish (but doesn't know it), entitled, etc. Person after person has had to distance themselves from her because she's a leech. It's sad.