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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
SleepFreeZone · 05/04/2018 09:13

Actually you don’t know the ‘truth’ as all she’s saying is she’s taking the high ground. So if your friends can find out why she’s so pissed off with you it would surely be incredibly helpful!?

Thequeenisdeadboys · 05/04/2018 09:28

Wow Op, You've got us all up in arms over this womans unhinged behaviour. Seems a bit suddenly dismissive to suggest it will just 'soon blow over' !? She has massively overstepped the mark. You are asking for trouble if you just sweep it under the carpet.

rainbowstardrops · 05/04/2018 09:33

What a bizarre woman!!!
I've only ever paid for myself when I've met up with friends - apart from maybe taking it in turns to buy the coffees - so if she doesn't see it this way, why didn't she pay for you after you paid for the birthday treat and meal???
She sounds nasty

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 05/04/2018 09:34

I would be really really careful about socialising with her in the future, even with your other friends. She sounds a bit unhinged and she has upset you. Others may be able to brush it off but could you?

CoraPirbright · 05/04/2018 09:41

...sounds like something like this has happened before

I was wondering about this. You cant be the only person this madwoman has met up with. She must have met mates for lunch/coffee/whatever before in her life so this scenario cannot be unique and there is no way that on all of these occasions, another person paid for her (as the 100’s of threads on here regarding how best to split bills can testify). How can she not know that it is totally normal that mates meeting up pay for their own?? She is utterly batshit and I would be giving her a very wide berth. Sorry you have been dragged into this but I am glad you are putting your side across to the friends. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I am sure that the mutual friends will be just as bewildered as you are.

Batmanwearspants · 05/04/2018 09:46

She sounds absolutely crackers...

DownTownAbbey · 05/04/2018 09:55

I think you're wrong footed because this is such a batshit situation. You're playing by normal social rules and she's angry with you for not knowing or obeying her made up rules.

Unless there's a piece of the puzzle you don't know about that could go halfway to explaining her behaviour then she is either mentally disordered or an evil genius.

Tempting as it is to try and keep the peace don't apologise or you're playing into her narrative of you as villain. Be firm. And I'd tell everyone who asks exactly what has gone on. If they side with her you're well rid anyway.

TomRavenscroft · 05/04/2018 10:07

'I was trying to take the high road today and help you out. If you can't figure it out then it's on your head what happens.' Confused

I've no idea what she's getting at.

I'd tell all your friends the truth (in person/on phone – your message is a bit truncated and not totally clear). Make clear that you don't need or expect anyone to feel they have to 'take your side' or stand up for you or anything. Your friends are adults and can decide how/if they want to get involved.

And fuck the weirdo 'high road' woman, obviously.

petmyunicorn · 05/04/2018 10:16

It's not just the money - although that's batshit crazy. It's refusing to speak when spoken to, growling at you, threatening texts.

Maybe I'm a bit of a shit stirrer, but I'd be letting my friends know about all of it. It sounds like she might escalate or try to exclude you - best your side is out there before she does.

sonjadog · 05/04/2018 10:18

She doesn't sound very well, tbh.

YoohooDorothy · 05/04/2018 10:25

She did exactly the opposite of 'taking the high road' by sitting at another table and trying to 'steal' your friend. Incomprehensible behaviour from a grown woman.

GabsAlot · 05/04/2018 10:27

your friends seems a bit dismissive unles sthey dont want to getinvolved

i dont understand the logic of taking the high road-she started allthis caused the awkwardness and hostility

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 10:30

Sorry, it was the friend who messaged who said it would blow over soon. Not me. I don't want it to 'blow over ' as that suggests just going back to where we were but I don't want the same friendship with her again after this. I've had two missed calls from her, but no message left this time. Keeping my phone on silent so I don't have to deal with her.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 05/04/2018 10:36

why are you not blocking this 'unreasonable' person OP .. ? you have good friends yes.. stick with them .. you don't need this nutters approval in any way to socialise .. I'm confused as to why anyone in your group far and wide tolerates this woman Flowers

GreenTulips · 05/04/2018 10:41

I bet that of you spoke out and told them exactly what happened they would have similar stories

You keeping quite will make you feel like you're the only one it happened too

It won't be

TomRavenscroft · 05/04/2018 10:42

Just block her.

I agree with Tulips, I think she's shat on everyone at some point and everyone just needs someone to be the first person to stand up and break the silence.

3asAbird · 05/04/2018 10:44

Op its a bit scary shes phoning you so many times.

You cant live in fear every time phone rings.

Block her number and on whats app.

Dont let her stress and upset you any more.

Tell everyone breif whats happened.

Shes the one in the wrong

Dont cut yourself out from entire group.

I bet shes done this before.

CoffeeOrSleep · 05/04/2018 11:10

Yep, bet she's been "odd" with others, expecting to be paid for etc.

Don't cover for her, tell the others directly "she asked if I was free, I said we were going to [soft play place] but she was welcome to join us. She queried if I was planning to pay for [her child] to go too, I said no and she seemed to think I should if I was inviting her. She came along anyway but didn't want to sit with me or talk to me."

Keep it factual and not emotional or give your opinion on her behaviour. If they others haven't offered to pay for you in the past, then it's probably that they agree with you and not her.

Thebluedog · 05/04/2018 11:13

Sorry you’re going through this OP. She sounds unhinged and is a bit of a loon. If your friends have know her for a while xhances are this has happened before. Don’t respond to her and ignore when you see her. Sounds like she thrives on the attention

ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2018 11:13

Yes, she will have done it before - and yes, those who are on the recieving end of this sort of crap need to talk to one another. One of the most toxic people I ever met was a woman who joined my department at work (this was 20 years ago BTW) and proceeded to stir up all kinds of trouble. She got away with it for a while as several of us (the female staff at least) were reluctant to say anything as we were worried anything we said would be put down to 'jealousy' (she was very pretty and most of the rest of us, while not monsters, were not as pretty as her). There came a point where she had spread so much poison and caused so much disruption that people pretty much threatened to go on strike unless she was reined in, and she was sidelined after that.

ShiftyMcGifty · 05/04/2018 11:29

I’d keep it more factual...

She called me up to do something with the kids, I told her x and I were already going to the soft play but she’s welcome to come join us and she decided this meant I had to pay for her. I refused and she’s been refusing to speak to me in person but harassing me with phone calls and threatening me in messages. Her child is lovely but frankly, her behaviour is scary.

StormTreader · 05/04/2018 11:30

By telling people "she's taking the high road", shes sending the strong message that you did something truly awful but that shes trying to rise above it. It's classic manipulation tactics, and its socially quite dangerous because its leaving the impression that maybe people don't know you as well as they thought if you could do something THAT BAD - they'll forget that they were never actually told what The Bad Thing was.

The best way to counter it is to tell people the real facts - don't just say "misunderstanding about paying" because that could mean that YOU expected HER to pay for YOU. Say "She seemed to expect that I would be paying for her Soft Play every time we met, I wish I could pay for everyone but I haven't won the lottery yet!"

Lacucuracha · 05/04/2018 11:37

StormTreader took the words out of my month.

If you try and be vague so as not to appear like a shit-stirrer, then you give her a clear field to say what she likes.

RavenLG · 05/04/2018 11:58

'I was trying to take the high road today and help you out. If you can't figure it out then it's on your head what happens.'

I know this is an overused word on MN but she genuinely sounds unhinged / batshit / on another fucking planet.
I'd have to bite with that message and ask what the hell she means but I suspect that is what she wants. I'd something stating that you both have a different understanding of the situation which won't be resolved. You'd appreciate her to stop contacting you and any further contact will be noted and reported to police as unwarranted harassment.

Thistlebelle · 05/04/2018 12:28

I suspect some of this behaviour (texting, calls, speaking to friends) is designed to make you drop out of the next group meet up.

Personally I would make sure I was there. I would go and behave extremely politely and not be lured into any drama but I wouldn’t leave the field clear for her.

You haven’t done anything wrong, don’t let yourself be excluded.