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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For not paying even though I 'invited '?

986 replies

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 04/04/2018 09:10

Background:
For my dds birthday last year we invited some friends to soft play at a pub. I played entry for all the kids (and some siblings that came unexpectedly too). We brought a cake and everyone had a piece as well as juice to drink, if they wanted anything else they had to buy it (tea/coffee etc). As it came to dinner time I told them we were staying for dinner and people were welcome to join us. A couple did and we then paid for their meals (they didn't seem to expect this).
I have met up with one of the mum/ child that came and stayed for the meal at the same soft play since. She'd messaged asking to meet, I said me and another friend were planning to go to soft play and have lunch there if she wanted to join. We all arrived at different times so paid our own entry (she was last, text me when outside that she was here so when she got in I looked up and waved but didn't go over) and at food time we all ordered separately. She seemed a little quiet but had said she was tired cos her lo was waking up alot. We have met up since, but not at soft play, and all seemed fine.

So, yesterday the same happened again. She called asking if I wanted to meet up over the holiday. I said we were meeting a friend at soft play today if she wanted to join but we could meet some other time if she didn't fancy it. She said she'd join but then made a joke 'I suppose you're going to treat me like last time though'. When i queried what she meant she said that she was cross last time that I didn't pay for her entry or food. I was surprised and said that we don't normally pay for each other when we go out. She said that normally if invited you'd expect the host to pay and reminded me that I had done it before for dds birthday. I said I felt that was different and that this is not an invite in the same way, if she didn't want to come then I was happy to meet some other time elsewhere but I couldn't afford to pay for her every time we meet. She put the phone down on me.
Since then she has blocked me on fb, WhatsApp etc and been in touch with the other friend, trying to change the plans so they go to a different soft play together today but without me. She's said she will pay for that woman and child as 'that's how it's done between friends '. The friend has said to her that she's not leaving me out and that she would never expect to be paid for but that she is still welcome to join us at the originally planned place, or we can meet elsewhere another time if she doesn't fancy it. She's said she will think about whether she can face it and let her know.

Was I wrong? It's not the way I've ever done it with meet ups unless it's been a special occasion. I'm a sahm and meet up with people in similar ways all the time. If I had to pay for other people every time I'd not be able to do it at all!

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2018 23:01

Wow, OP! YANBU. You have behaved impeccably. I think you're friend will make sure everyone knows the truth.
on your head be it who even says this??!!!

Sleep well! Smile

Ellie56 · 04/04/2018 23:01

Hmm She sounds batshit.

roundaboutthetown · 04/04/2018 23:02

Imvho, the woman sounds mentally ill. Her behaviour is in the realms of the abnormal.

Thistlebelle · 04/04/2018 23:03

tracy makes you wonder what happens if you say “do you fancy going on holiday together?”

Come to think of it if you invite someone on a shopping trip do you have to pay for their clothes?

It’s a mine field!

RavenclawRealist · 04/04/2018 23:03

To be honest all of these friends could do
with dialling back the drama a bit couldn't they? All this texting various people to find out what's going on seems a bit ott to me! You have said your piece back off now and let the others deal with the drama who needs it!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 04/04/2018 23:12

It wouldn’t hurt for her to see the thread anyway & see what an utter bellend everyone thinks she’s being.

Don’t go on a picnic with her!

You need to stop being so cryptic with your mutual friends otherwise you’re going to come out of it looking like the bad guy. Just explain clearly what happened.

GabsAlot · 04/04/2018 23:16

like i said-crack

BerylStreep · 04/04/2018 23:19

She sounds like a drama llama who is trying to bully you and ostracise you from your friends.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 04/04/2018 23:33

Send her an ol' style MN poem?

So you threw a shit fit at soft play
Saw your arse because I would not pay
This rhyme does not scan
I've been out on the lam
So I'll just end with this...ODFOD!

I once left a soft play for exactly this reason! An ex friend and her clan tagged along with me (I was meeting DC and DH there). We walked up to the counter...and she just looked at me expectantly! For once I grew some balls and just stared into space 😂. She had the balls to clear her throat, and do a "she'll get it" motion at the cashier! She had form for this sort of shite.

I knew she had cash on her- she'd been bragging about it earlier.

I turned around and walked out.

It took a little while longer for me to learn my lesson though, and block her completely.

TalkItUpButtercup · 04/04/2018 23:37

She's seriously nuts and lost the plot.

CadyHeron · 04/04/2018 23:44

Oh FFS, if you're for real, why are you still feeding it? Never mind all the backwards and forwards texting and "explaining".
Ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore. You're best out of it.

Fromage · 05/04/2018 00:27

Cady she's going to see this woman regularly as they are part of the same friendship group, so she's trying to smooth things over.

OP if your friends ask again, could you put it to them in question form?

ie

If I say to you, join us at softplay if you want - does that mean I'm inviting you and offering to pay? Or does it mean if you want to come, it would be lovely to see you but of course it's an activity where we pay for ourselves. And I would ask them how they would phrase it if they were inviting with the intention of paying. I would ask them what they understood the situation to be and if they would be offended if they had thought (ie assumed) that i would be paying but I didn't.

I would be astonished if lots of people thought what you had said constituted an invitation to softplay, on you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/04/2018 01:13

The only problem with your friend intervening on your behalf is that I doubt she heard everything you said to the mad one on the other table - so that will end up being a "I said, she said" situation.

But your friends will know whether or not it's likely that you've caused any of this upset.

I really don't see what the mad one's problem is - she can't in all honesty have expected you to pay for her every time you went out together, no one does that! So either she's using this as an excuse to cut you out (but why?) or you've upset her over something even more trivial and she's blowing this out of proportion as "punishment".

Either way, she's got problems - you're only problem now is containing her poison, and I think you're doing the right thing in terms of responding. Keeping quiet won't do you any good at all - you will just have to say what happened and let others draw their own conclusions.

But be prepared for some "mud" to stick - it always does :( There will always be at least one person who believes the worst of people, regardless of how well they know them, and who then decides that the mud-flinger must be right.

I'm so sorry - what a ridiculous situation to find yourself in, through no real fault of your own, apart from perhaps being too generous in the first place!

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 05/04/2018 02:15

Wowzers. Some people really are bonkers! Confused

AllNamesTakenhell · 05/04/2018 07:45

After this i would ignore her op, or send one of the texts above and ignore. Reminds me of my brother at school. His 'queen bee' (self designated) friend would pull the same crap, alienating and isolating a person every so often and trying to turn friends agsinst him.

jessebuni · 05/04/2018 07:46

Wow...she’s totally off her rocker! I would stick with the brief facts when talking to the friends and just keep saying like you have. That you aren’t entirely sure what happened between you because one minute she asked to meet up next minute she was in a huff that you weren’t offering to pay for her at soft play because you “invited”. And you’re happy to just forget the whole thing ever happened if she is but that you not entirely sure what the issue was in the first place since other friend doesn’t seem to think anything is odd about you all paying for yourselves.

Groovee · 05/04/2018 08:04

She ignored you and that's taking the high road? 😂 she's out to cause drama. The ignoring you then trying to get mutual friend to move as well as phoning you means it must all be on your terms. Don't stop meeting with friends or turn down invites. You've tried and she didn't take the olive branch. Just ignore her.

sparklyshoes16 · 05/04/2018 08:05

Allnamestakeninhell No you weren't wrong at all. She sounds spiteful. I suspect she is one of these drama queens that likes to be queen bee and fawned on. When she isnt she tries to exclude and turn people against her 'enemy'.

In short she is an idiot, chancer and given her behaviour- attempting to bully. I would keep a very wide berth. I expect you aren't the first and won't be the last.
*
This^^*

The comment above sums it up, get away from this woman ASAP, tell the others what has happened and ignore the spiteful one...complete nasty cow that you don't need in your life (been through something similar a few months ago and completely cut them out and was best thing I ever did! One by one off their own back others did too as she tried the nasty vicious stuff on with them too)...your friends will see exactly what she's like! As for the woman whose stuck in the middle hopefully she'll realise too, what a nasty vindictive piece of work the other woman is and not be in the middle and the other woman is in the wrong completely!

Why can't we just take these types of women lock them in a room together and let them self implode?

HolyMountain · 05/04/2018 08:11

I would let your mutual friends know that she appears to think you should always pay for her when you meet up and you have no idea why but it isn’t going to happen and she has taken offence.

I wouldn’t contact her again or respond to any contact she makes with you, I think this friendship is over after the way she’s treated you so far.

lovescarbs · 05/04/2018 08:17

You are so restrained Op! Would’ve gone crazy with that CF behaviour!!

Weezol · 05/04/2018 08:19

HolyMountain is spot on.

This woman is a RL Troll. And (all together now) We don't feed the Troll!

SleepFreeZone · 05/04/2018 08:33

She seems to want to bring you down OP. Could she be jealous of you do you think? 🤔

Mrsrp · 05/04/2018 08:48

This behaviour is so odd! I've tried to look at it from both angles but it just doesn't make sense!!

I can see why you want to try and smooth it over because of the friendship group, but I just hope if the CF doesn't let it go, it doesn't mean you step away from the group!

Unreasonableunreasonableness · 05/04/2018 08:58

All quiet this morning. Only text I got over night was one who spoke to my friend after I said I was out with her earlier. 'Spoke to (friend). She's always been a funny one about money. It'll blow over soon. So sounds like something like this might have happened before.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 05/04/2018 09:00

Tell your friends the truth she's clearly gone out of her way today to tell them you've fallen out details or not. She is fucking crackers not you