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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after DPs exes new baby.

175 replies

CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 15:55

DP has been split from his ex for years, they have 2 DC together who we have for weekends and holidays, they are 11 and 9. DP and I don't have any children together and don't want any more. I have 1 DC from a previous marriage, aged 8

His ex met her new partner about a year ago and is now pregnant, due next month. She works full-time as does her partner. When she told my DP about the new baby, she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..." and it was left at that, as DP was a bit stunned and speechless.

Now, that is strange isn't it? Of course this is not an option is it? It's cheeky isn't it? I know she doesn't mean every time we have the older 2 kids but I think she thinks if she's stuck we can take new baby. AIBU to think it's a bit weird?

OP posts:
Petal02 · 04/04/2018 14:45

I think it’s a bit scary that the baby isn’t even born yet and she’s trying to find a way to shoehorn it into her ex’s life. This has the potential to end badly IMO

Exactly. OP: beware.

Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 14:54

why would your DP.. wish to bond with his ex and her partners Child ????? this is plain weird Hmm

have you cleared the matter up with your DP OP Flowers

Springtrolls · 04/04/2018 15:20

Well I suppose she took the attitude of you don't know unless you ask Grin

StormTreader · 04/04/2018 15:25

"since meeting new bloke she's been much more reasonable and things are hunky dory."

Since meeting new bloke or since she knew she was pregnant?...

liquidgold5 · 04/04/2018 15:38

My DP's kids stay with us every weekend, their mom has just had a new baby and they told us we need to get a cot for him so he can start staying over too! When explained to them that the baby has a different daddy they say "No he has 2 daddy's!" 🤣

mzcracker · 04/04/2018 15:48

Liquidgold bloody hell!! I can't believe people are this cheeky! It's just really strange. I've never heard of this except in one case a friend married a guy who had children with an ex. He is not the father of the eldest child but takes them all for weekends. In his case he was the step parent for a significant period of time in the child's life. That's the only situation I could see that it would be ok.

qwertyuiopy · 04/04/2018 16:07

That's weird. The only time I have ever seen anything like this is with SIL who had a child as a schoolgirl and several more, with several fathers, spanning nearly 20 years. The eldest would sometimes take the youngest out when she was meeting with her dad who was nothing to do with the baby. But it was DN's responsibility to look after her sister, not her dad's!

Petal02 · 04/04/2018 16:39

Liquidgold I do hope your DP has been VERY clear that the ex's new baby will not be staying over too ????? She'll be wanting maintenance for the new baby next!!!

IncyWincyGrownUp · 04/04/2018 16:45

I think in liquidgold’s example it’s the children blethering on, not the other adult.

Gemini69 · 04/04/2018 16:48

OP your DP isn't Bob Geldof is it ... ?

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 04/04/2018 17:23

have you cleared the matter up with your DP OP

We both are saying it's an absolute no, except emergencies...but if she asks in front of the kids I think DP will crumble.

OP your DP isn't Bob Geldof is it ... ?
Grin Not Sir Bob no.

OP posts:
Drainedandconfused · 04/04/2018 18:10

My exH and I looked after his exW baby when she was taken into hospital with anorexia/mental health issues, we had him for just over 2 weeks as well as my 2 stepdaughters. My DS was a couple of months old so we had 3 pre teens (my DD too) and 2 babies and it was great.
I often looked after her DS after that.
Your situation is completely different and no you have no obligation to look after her baby, totally ridiculous.

liquidgold5 · 04/04/2018 18:22

Yeah sorry everyone I meant the kids say it not the ex! Haha

Jessikita · 04/04/2018 18:29

My husband has 2 children from before. His ex has gone on to have 3 more children.

I have had one of her daughter’s over to play, but it wasn’t to do with childcare or anything, it was my idea. My daughter is only 4 and gets a bit confused that her sister has the same Dad but I’m not her Mum aswell and she “goes home.” She doesn’t understand why my stepdaughter’s sister, is also not her sister as well.

My situation is a bit different though.

In this case I certainly wouldn’t be looking after a baby of someone else’s especially as in my opinion she didn’t even “ask” properly. It was a cheeky fucker request.

Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2018 18:48

but if she asks in front of the kids I think DP will crumble

Can you not have a discussion with her before it comes to this? And be straight and tell her not to try this?

Honestly, if she did this to me in front of my kids I would make a show of her. "Oh, but, xxx, we had this chat already and I said it was not possible. Seems a little unfair to say in front of the children when we agreed you wouldn't do this..but hey, that's what you do isn't it?" and then I'd leave.

But I am very intolerant of CFs who try and manipulate me and that would not be for everyone! Grin

ChasedByBees · 04/04/2018 19:09

She is funny! I think you should bring it up and clarify it before you’re put on the spot.

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 04/04/2018 19:53

Honestly, if she did this to me in front of my kids I would make a show of her. "Oh, but, xxx, we had this chat already and I said it was not possible. Seems a little unfair to say in front of the children when we agreed you wouldn't do this..but hey, that's what you do isn't it?" and then I'd leave

Yeah I think that's what DP will have to say, something along those lines. I'll toughen him upGrin.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2018 20:14
Grin
lookingforaline18 · 04/04/2018 20:22

My Ds is friends with dp's ex's son who is the same age. This isn't something we have pushed on to them ,its happened naturally as they are in the same class at school. If in the future we invite him round to our house, its because of their friendship and nothing to do with their shared sibling. Otherwise the thought wouldn't even cross my mind.

Roomba · 04/04/2018 20:41

Yeah, she's bonkers. This isn't the usual arrangement at all - I've gathered this when I've spoken to people about how me and my ex manage our DC, now he's married to someone else and they have a small child too. I have occasionally had their child round to play and babysat for her. Fair enough and I accept we're the odd ones.

I have only done this because, to be honest, I really like my ex's wife (she hasn't seen through his crap yet, it appears) and their child is utterly adorable. She's also my children's sister, so I encourage them to have a good relationship with her and with their stepmother. She's far more reasonable/responsible than my ex and I'm honestly happier that my kids are being looked after when she is there than I am when it's just their Dad. If I didn't get on well with her, there's no chance things would be as they are. But I'm happy when she has my kids in her care and it seems she's happy to have her child in my care .

It is once every couple of months though, or in event of emergency, not a regular event so they can go to the pub on Friday nights or similar! And it didn't happen when their child was a small baby. I think she was about 18m old when I first took her out for the day with my DC and she had tea at mine afterwards. She jumps up and down and yells 'Yay! Roomba's coming!' when I'm coming round, apparently Grin

Roomba · 04/04/2018 20:50

I think my situation is a bit different as I asked my ex and wife if they wanted me to have their DD some time, so she could play with her siblings at mine given we all get on well. If they'd come to ME and asked, nay assumed, that I'd be happy to have her, the response would have been very different!!

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 04/04/2018 21:09

That sounds like a really lovely set up Roomba. It's great when everyone gets along. I think the ages of the kids makes a difference too, if there's a smaller gap they could all play together.

OP posts:
RaeNoctem · 29/12/2018 20:31

Definitely a difficult situation.

But I think you and your DP need to be clear. Whilst you are happy to have this new child occassionally spend time with their siblings, it isn't ok to look after the child everytime. The child is neither of yours so unfair to take them everytime, however on the odd occasion when he/she is a little older, so the child can have a healthy relationship with their half-siblings and with the half siblings father, as there is still a connection there through the children no matter what.

Hope you get all sorted. All my best.

Moretinsel · 29/12/2018 20:37

Ooh that’s an old thread!

mummmy2017 · 29/12/2018 20:40

Tell DP point blank if he brings a baby home you will be out the backdoor for a girly day, he will be changing poo and getting sicked on.

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