Looking after DPs exes new baby.

[CupofFrothyCoffee]

DP has been split from his ex for years, they have 2 DC together who we have for weekends and holidays, they are 11 and 9. DP and I don't have any children together and don't want any more. I have 1 DC from a previous marriage, aged 8

His ex met her new partner about a year ago and is now pregnant, due next month. She works full-time as does her partner. When she told my DP about the new baby, she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..." and it was left at that, as DP was a bit stunned and speechless.

Now, that is strange isn't it? Of course this is not an option is it? It's cheeky isn't it? I know she doesn't mean every time we have the older 2 kids but I think she thinks if she's stuck we can take new baby. AIBU to think it's a bit weird?

But the baby is half-sibling to your DP's current DC, so as they get older, there may be times when the youngest one comes along with the older half siblings. I don't see what's such a big deal about that. And, yeah, in an emergency, your DP and you would be potentially on the list for childcare - that's not necessarily a big deal either.

Surely as soon as the new boyfriend/partner is spending lots of time with the children it becomes the fathers interest? Not to have some sort of veto power, but a new adult moving in to their home is a big change in the children's lives and their father ought to know about it. Especially as the mother insisted on meeting the OP before she even met the children.

I don't think the situation with the older child is comparable at all. Given the children's ages it's likely that the OP's DP was with his mum and playing a father role when he was less than two for however long they were together and then after their split. In normal circumstances the new baby wouldn't really have a significant relationship with his siblings dad at all.

Errr what? The answer is a resounding no. You are under no obligation to provide childcare to her new baby!!

My DPs ex has done this with one of her DC aged 3 at the time. Turned up to drop off his DD (their shared child) and then suggested how nice it would be that he took her DS for a few hours as he was always complaining and crying when his sister went at the weekends. And to increase the emotional blackmail she always brought him along so he'd start crying when she took him back to the car when DP said it wasn't possible that time. Rather than leave him at home with her partner and two other siblings.

After a few more attempts, he awkwardly said ok. Mainly awkward because the little boy was quite boisterous - always in A&E for accidents and heavy handed with toys other people's belongings etc. So he needed to be watched quite closely.

The ex disappeared for 8 hours and left him there. 😂 DP was furious.

When he moved in with me, she said she couldn't wait for all of their DDs half siblings to come round and play at our new place and see her new bedroom and house. I smiled and said yes, when will my DS be able to come round to you to see where DD lives and play with her toys too?

Strangely that didn't seem to fit in her plans.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes

Oh that's outrageous...but it's given me the fear...

That is bonkers. Those saying it's OPs dh dc half siblings- so what That doesn't make it OPs dh responsibility in any way.

It would be a no from me!

I don't think anyone has said it's his responsibility GreenSeededGrape

The baby will be living with their parents & half siblings-that's something that the older 2 don't have.

Why would you want to cutting into their limited contact by sending a half sibling as well?

Sorry, implying it's the right or nice thing to do because of how they're related. It's bonkers.

She is absolutely loco.

ReanimatedSGB

'The list'? I didn't realise people had 'lists for childcare' that they could put you on regardless of your total lack of connection to their child.

The baby won't be tagging along. The elder siblings are nearly teens, they aren't small children who want to have a similarly aged sibling with them at all times. By the time the child is old enough to come (e.g. out of nappies, why would the DH want to change another toddlers nappy?) they will be teens.

Insane. Your instincts are correct.

It was probably a joke.

You have maybe taken offence to her humour?

The baby won't be tagging along. The elder siblings are nearly teens, they aren't small children who want to have a similarly aged sibling with them at all times. By the time the child is old enough to come (e.g. out of nappies, why would the DH want to change another toddlers nappy?) they will be teens

This is what I was thinking. The older ones may not even want to come as often either when they're teens, they'll maybe rather spend time with their friends or whatever doing their own thing.

On the other hand, if mum genuinely struggles, there could be a negative impact on your step children’s lives

If there is then the OP and her DP could reasonably consider having his children an extra night a week or something. If the ex wants help with the baby she has her family and friends and her new DP's to ask. Totally innapropriate for her ex to look after the baby and I am surprised the new partner would be happy with that!

Oh and getting the children to lie about the man living with them is diabolical. I know mothers who would see their exes lying about new partners and living arrangements as a reason to cut contact.

Truthfully my exs daughters (as much as i hate him) would always be welcome in my home and if my current partner had kids before me and she went on to have more. Agian they would all be welcome. Because the kids are siblings and I support that bond. My exs ex used to take my children with her out for meals with their sister & we were all cool with it.

BUT! Assumptions are rude.
How would you feel about having their sibling is the question?

You have maybe taken offence to her humour?

No offence taken. It's quite amusing tbh.

I reckon next thing she'll be sending her new DP over too ... "if you could just give him a beer and let him watch TV for a few hours? He's had his tea ..."

*kaytee87

I doubt she means looking after the baby. Sounds like a misunderstanding and she just means extra help with the older kids.*

Completely agree! I don't think she means the baby, she means a bit of extra help with the older ones while she deals with the tiny newborn stage. Just ask her for clarification and state your decision if she really means the baby: simple.

@StaplesCorner

How would you feel about having their sibling is the question?

I just don't want to do it. I would help out if she had an emergency or was let down but she's the type of person if you give an inch she'll take 124632 miles. She has been known to just drop the other 2 kids on people without asking, just turning up at their door or sending someone else with them.

WTF.

My eldest 2DC are with my ExP. Toddler with ExH (who fucked off when I was pregnant.) ExP has helped massively - well, small things to him (like nipping to the shop to bring me things on his way to fetch our DC) but not once have I asked him to have DD! She’s MINE to look after ffs! However he has OFFERED to have her when she’s older along with our DC, should she want to go along, because her own “Dad” isn’t around. ExP sees her as his DDs sister and an innocent kid who didn’t ask for her Dad to be a dickhead, and wants to be a good example to her. But I would never have asked!

There is your answer lovely. She cant make you. Just make sure you and the other half are on the same page

Blimey, I hope she doesn’t really imagine that you’ll merrily take her me baby? That’s crazy!