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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after DPs exes new baby.

175 replies

CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 15:55

DP has been split from his ex for years, they have 2 DC together who we have for weekends and holidays, they are 11 and 9. DP and I don't have any children together and don't want any more. I have 1 DC from a previous marriage, aged 8

His ex met her new partner about a year ago and is now pregnant, due next month. She works full-time as does her partner. When she told my DP about the new baby, she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..." and it was left at that, as DP was a bit stunned and speechless.

Now, that is strange isn't it? Of course this is not an option is it? It's cheeky isn't it? I know she doesn't mean every time we have the older 2 kids but I think she thinks if she's stuck we can take new baby. AIBU to think it's a bit weird?

OP posts:
anneoneill · 03/04/2018 16:50

She is an adult who can do what she wants.

But can't look after her own child apparently.

CointreauVersial · 03/04/2018 16:52

It's cheeky.....having said that, one of my friends has occasionally had her XDP's new baby overnight. They are on good terms, but it is just done as a favour; there's no obligation.

And the baby gets to spend some time with his half-siblings, which they all love.

Takeaweeseat · 03/04/2018 16:52

Btw, the kids will be fine with the set up and the new baby will too when they are older as it'swill just be how it's always been for them

Thank you, this is what I need to hear.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/04/2018 16:52

Wow what a CF, no no no, her and her new partner's baby, not yours or your dp. Wow there is a lot of CF going on lately.

Takeaweeseat · 03/04/2018 16:53

OOPS name change failGrin

FeistyColl · 03/04/2018 16:55

I tell you what, Cupof, it's great to see a post where ex clearly values you and your DP as parents! Too often we hear of exes who view SM as the devil incarnate (or vice versa ...)

And the history of your DP regarding her eldest DC as 'his' may confuse or complicate things. I can also imagine how the occasional, invited, visit may be possible / nice in the future (if all parties agree), but to 'expect' childcare is bonkers!!

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 16:58

FeistyColl

It took a while to get here but yes it's great that things are so amicable now.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 03/04/2018 17:00

Bloody hell, what a nutter

NerdyBird · 03/04/2018 17:00

I would not look after DH's ex's new kids, not in a million years. She did once try to get him to act as taxi for her son but DH pointed out that the son had his own father to do that.
I would never dream of asking her to look after our dd, it would literally have to be over my dead body.

There are safeguarding issues with DH's ex so IMHO she is not fit to look after children.

Tistheseason17 · 03/04/2018 17:02

Helping extra with his existing kids? Yes

Looking after Ex's new baby by another fella with the step children - no.

YANBU.

How are you going to clarify this with her, OP? Or will your DP sort? All the best.

FeistyColl · 03/04/2018 17:03

Well done Flowers
(doesn't give her the right to take you for a mug though Wink )

Appuskidu · 03/04/2018 17:04

Did your DP say anything now he’s got over being speechless?

ohreallyohreallyoh · 03/04/2018 17:06

Teaching children to keep secrets is wrong on so many levels. We didn't even know she'd met someone, never mind that there he had been living there for months

I agree with the secrets issue. My ex does it all the time. However, who she goes out with, who stays over, who she lives with is none of your business.

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 17:11

Did your DP say anything now he’s got over being speechless?

She hasn't mentioned it to him again and he hasn't mentioned it to her. He has told me absolutely no way was he doing it but he's a big softy and if he was put on the spot I don't know what he would say tbh.

OP posts:
easterholidays · 03/04/2018 17:11

I agree with those who are saying that as the new baby gets older s/he may want to be a part of the bigger extended family alongside the older siblings, and there might be times when you have all four of them together for holidays or birthdays or something special. But that doesn't mean OP and her DP should take care of the baby when it's new. That's just massive CF-ery.

HappyFeet1212 · 03/04/2018 17:15

I think he needs to bring it up, something along the lines of 'I'm sure I mis heard the other day, but I just want to clarify something with you, you made it sound as though I might take care of the new baby, that's not what you meant is it?'

If she say 'well yes it is'
He can then respond 'that is absolutely out of the question, that will never happen'

He needs to take the bull by the horns to put your mind at rest.

Appuskidu · 03/04/2018 17:15

he's a big softy and if he was put on the spot I don't know what he would say tbh.

In that case, I think he really should get in there now so she knows his views,... before he is asked!!

HagSeed · 03/04/2018 17:16

The minute DH's ex found out that we were together, she started demanding that he come and babysit the child she'd had with another man after they split, said it was his duty as the father of her other children. It was her way of trying to drive a wedge between us. Could that be what she is doing?

Ballora · 03/04/2018 17:17

Wtf! Would be a big, fat NO from me.

Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 17:17

No you will not be providing childcare for this baby unless you particularly want to do it. I thought when I read the post she meant more care for the older ones and not for you to be unpaid childminders for this new baby.

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 17:18

I agree with the secrets issue. My ex does it all the time. However, who she goes out with, who stays over, who she lives with is none of your business

Your post is a total contradiction. You agree to not teaching children to keep secrets but it's ok to keep a secret that a man has moved into the house? Please stop trying to turn this into something it isn't. There was no issue with who she goes out with etc, living with. We are happy for her. The oldest DC has broke down crying before saying "My mum has said I've not to tell you anything about us", this was all because DH has asked him if he was excited to be moving to his new house.

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/04/2018 17:19

See this worries me a bit. What happens when the baby is a bit older and the DC are coming to us and this baby has to watch their siblings leave and they're left behind?

My youngest just accepted it when my other two went to their dad's for the weekend.

It's quite astounding that she's just assumed your partner will have her baby when she needs childcare though.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/04/2018 17:20

Of course it’s bonkers. However read the step parenting boards and you’ll be amazed at the stories!

You have the kids every weekend and holidays, that’s quite a bit for non resident, more like 50/50 care anyway so no I would also not be offering more! Just look after the kids and the arrangement you have. She has a good deal, every weekend free!

Original poster
CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 17:21

It's quite astounding that she's just assumed your partner will have her baby when she needs childcare though

Yes the more I read the replies and the more I think about it, it really is astounding.

OP posts:
Alienspaceship · 03/04/2018 17:22

Oh that’s hilarious op - made me snort ShockGrin

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