DD (3) alone in public toilets?

[Lazinganddazing]

DP has just informed me that when he takes DD (3.5) out, he lets her go to the toilet by herself.
She’s told me this before but I assumed she meant the disabled toilet but I’ve now found out it’s the large female toilets at places like restaurants, shopping centres, farm etc. (They have a day out just them once a week)
I’m not sure why this makes me uncomfortable, she’s a confident girl and is fine going by herself but I don’t think she’d lock the cubicle door and I know it’s woman’s toilets but being female doesn’t automatically mean you’re a good person and despite him being outside the main door it’s a long way away if she needed help.
So AIBU to be annoyed by this? I’ve told him he needs to take her to disabled/men’s in future and he thinks I’m massively overreacting and that most men would do this.

If someone couldn’t take their child into the normal loos for whatever reason, it’s fine* to take them into the disabled loo.

And I say this as a seriously disabled person who relies on disabled loos when out.

And of course a lot are accessible loos with baby change in anyway. To share. Nicely. Together.

*like, they’re dirty, cant get the buggy in, no safe place for the other child to wait, or the too obvious urinals in the male loos with an unfortunately loud and curious child (!), or whatever personal decision making process people make)...

Now, what isn’t fine is monopolising them and being ridiculously slow even when you know there’s a disabled person waiting. Or letting your toddler run back in to play with the taps and stop someone getting in there. Or taking up both disabled toilets in a theatre with excellent toilet provision, putting two preschoolers in one disabled toilet, and yourself in the other disabled toilet, and making the old gentleman who could hardly stand up lean, shaking against the wall waiting (& me in a wheelchair behind him) whilst your children ran in and out calling for you whilst you laughed and did annoying performance parenting. Or leaving pooey nappies out/ the loo in a disgusting state. None of that is ok... but that’s being a selfish crap person in any toilet isnt it!

But basically being a nice, normal human sharing resources together is of course allowed. Please don’t lets turn this into a pitch battle again.

It’s really upsetting when people want to take the little we depend on away from disabled people. I know we’re not as cute as your children, but please, don’t force us out of society by your actions (which you can so easily do). Please, just share?

My DH always took our DD into the men's loos. She's 8 now and I let her go into a cubicle alone if she's with me, she locks the door while i go to a different cubicle and doesn't unlock till i knock and tell her to come out. She only goes without an adult if she's with her cousin (almost 10) and then I supervise from a distance without her knowing. And I'd say I'm a fairly chilled parent in general, not a fusser!

Some toilets contain fire doors so technically there is a second exit. I wouldn’t say that was a safe thing to do. Good for kids to have independence but that’s a little far for a 3.5 year old. Maybe if he was to take her to the disabled loo and stand by the unlocked door, fine but not the main loos.

Why are you all so paranoid about people snatching/molesting your children?

Whatshallidonowpeople I don't think there's much paranoia about snatching or molesting. I gathered that the majority were rightly concerned that a 3yo wouldn't have the capacity to navigate the logistics of perhaps door looking/unlocking/ wiping bottom / hand-washing/soap/hot water etc. Not to mention the various filth that a 3yo might touch, taste in a toilet cubicle.

I would stop him taking her out. I'm sorry but what an idiot. A 3 year old can easily lock themselves in a toilet or be scared by the smallest of things. What on earth is he thinking, clearly he isn't. I doubt she can wipe herself properly most can't at that age. She won't be able to reach the sinks either. How many of the outer doors are easy to open what if she can't get out, reach handles he can't go in. This is one of the most irresponsible things I have read in a long time.

Op says she can go by herself and mentions being female doesn't mean you are a good person

Of course the venue is important, but if it’s a family place (mall, cafe, museum) and an adult is waiting nearby, do you really think this is a risky endeavour?

A male friend of mine was sexually assaulted in the men's toilets in a shopping centre aged 7. His mum was waiting outside. It may be unlikely but it happens.

Why are you all so paranoid about people snatching/molesting your children?

I was wondering when someone would come in and throw around the "hysterical" argument.

Most people haven't even mentioned kidnapping or molestation. Most have concerns about hygiene and safety such as the child locking herself in or burning herself with hot water or touching a disgusting surface. All very reasonable

yes, having a child that age out of my sight in public for that long would leave me very anxious. DD is 6 and I wouldn't send her into public toilets alone. Dont care if someone thinks that's being "paranoid" tbh

I wouldn't let a 3 year old use a public looking on her own. That's very wrong. My son's 5 and has just started going into a cubicle on his own with me outside the door (although I always inspect the look for hygiene both before and after!).

Almost every single public toilet I have ever used (even ones in cafes) have notices on saying please do not allow under 8’s to use the toilets unsupervised.

I just don't believe this. I've been to eight public toilets in the last 24 hours, and guess how many similar signs I've seen? That's right, none! In fact, I've never seen such a sign, in any public toilet, in four decades on five continents.

My 5 year old sometimes struggles with our loos at home! Gets in a pickle or the waters too hot, can't reach the soap etc. Why is it ok for little boys to go with mums into the female loos but not for girls to go with dads?
If it was really inappropriate in the men's I'd suggest disabled, there's often a change area in their for very young children and if you are just quick and polite I can't see how anyone could get upset. Another disabled person could be in there when a disabled person needed to use it, there's alsorts of scenarios that 'could' happen.
It then depends on the child some are quite confident. But my girls would always ask me to come in anyway and wait by the door. On one occasion my child went independently at 4 in a friends house, she was actually too nervous to go and then wet herself!

3 is too young for the hygiene reasons and because DD may become scared or locked in the cubicle or whatever. I will let my 5 yr old go alone in familiar places such as a cafe we have always visited. If I go in with her there is no way she would let me in a cubicle with her anyway. I think once they are at school they should be able to handle the logistics it's then a case of judging the safety of the particular place. Children are very occasionally assaulted in toilets but this can sadly happen at 9, 12 or even 14 and I think by 7 or 8 children should be capable of managing public toilets on their own.

I have a DS and DDs and would worry more about boys alone in the mens than girls alone in the womens. This is not irrational it is because most sex offenders are male.

Not OK at all. Far too young. If I saw a three year old in the loo alone I’d assume they were lost and ask them if they were OK. He needs to take her in with him to the men’s.

For me somewhere between 6-8 dependant on child.

3.5 is ridiculous! It comes across as a lack of intelligent thought being put into the situation.

By 8 I think it is necessary as in the same way swimming changing rooms use this as an age.

Obviously those with additional needs differ, but I think that then becomes a guenuine reson for using an accesible toilet (disabled) apart from anything for the size of the two people by that age.

I took my kids into loo until age 4 or 5 mostly because they needed help with handwashing/door locks, but was definitely have let them go alone since age 5.

I think the 'stranger in the loo' thing is a bit of a nonsense, personally. I don't think they've ever been 'common ground' for paedophiles - nowhere is, because random stranger paedophiles are extraordinarily rare and in most public places no one's getting out of the loo with your child without walking past you (or, presumably, a busy restaurant kitchen) and therefore being seen by loads of people.

NB, I have never seen signs saying under 8s not to use loos alone.

No way! Over 8 or perhaps a bit younger in a "nicer" establishment

A teenage boy was raped in the toilets at a leisure centre in Brighton a few months ago. The bloke who did it just got convicted. Google it. If a teenager can’t protect himself in public loos then a 3 year old girl certainly can’t.

I also agree with those saying it isn't about fear of molestation even but all the usual hygiene and safety reasons. How would your know if she got locked in the cubicle? If the water was hot she could burn herself, what if shes slipped? Got herself in a mess? Just seems daft when most potential mishaps could be prevented by an adult being present.

She is far too young and he is either irresponsible or thick!!!

Why won't he just take her in the men's?

OH will let 6yo DD(she did since she was 5) to go toilet by herself in small pubs they go to often,normally just one toilet and direct view of the entrance.

She is too young to go on her own. I sometimes let DS (10) but only in a restaurant not a service station or a station.

When I was 6/7 my dad let me go into the ladies alone. I got locked in the cubicle. I remember screaming for help until someone went outside to fetch my dad & he kicked the door in. My 3 year old ds's hate going in the 'girls' but if its just me they do & will for a few years.

I'm probably the 500th person here to agree this is too young to go in by herself.

DS is 5.5yo and I wouldn't send him into the loos (men or women's) on his own. First of all, he's usually not strong enough to even push the heavy main doors open to get in and out! So if he got in there, he'd get stuck trying to pull the door open on his way out, and panic. Secondly, he can't reach the sinks in 99% of places without help, so wouldn't wash his hands. And thirdly, being a young child he is grim and touches stuff that makes me shudder if I'm not there to remind him (sanitary bins, great to play with , anyone?). So coupled with the non hand washing, it's a great big no from me!

That's before I even start thinking about paedophiles lurking in wait for unaccompanied children, or DS locking himself in the loo, or panicking because there's no loo roll and he didn't check first.

Too young. Mine is the same age and DH takes her into the disabled or the men's toilets.