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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD (3) alone in public toilets?

134 replies

Lazinganddazing · 03/04/2018 15:32

DP has just informed me that when he takes DD (3.5) out, he lets her go to the toilet by herself.
She’s told me this before but I assumed she meant the disabled toilet but I’ve now found out it’s the large female toilets at places like restaurants, shopping centres, farm etc. (They have a day out just them once a week)
I’m not sure why this makes me uncomfortable, she’s a confident girl and is fine going by herself but I don’t think she’d lock the cubicle door and I know it’s woman’s toilets but being female doesn’t automatically mean you’re a good person and despite him being outside the main door it’s a long way away if she needed help.
So AIBU to be annoyed by this? I’ve told him he needs to take her to disabled/men’s in future and he thinks I’m massively overreacting and that most men would do this.

OP posts:
BigRedBoat · 03/04/2018 17:15

No way would I let my 3 year old dd go in a public toilet alone, not just for the fear of who may be in there but I would worry she would touch something grim, or get accidentally locked in the cubicle, she definitely wouldn't wash her hands! I don't see the issue with her dad taking her in the men's.

supersop60 · 03/04/2018 17:17

YADNBU.

Topseyt · 03/04/2018 17:31

Three is way too young to be allowed into public toilets alone. He is being very lazy and foolish.

How does he know what she has touched?

How does he know that she managed to get properly onto the toilet so that she didn't miss it and wee or poo everywhere, or mess on the seat?

How does he know that she has flushed the toilet, if she was even able to reach to do that at her age?

What would he do if she managed to lock herself in the cubicle but couldn't unlock it?

How can he be sure that she dried or wiped herself fully? Children that age often still just can't.

How does he know that she could even reach to wash her hands afterwards?

Those are the practical problems, quite apart from the stranger danger and other safety issues.

I think I began letting mine go on their own when they were about 10. Even then, only when I was nearby and could clearly see from where I was up to the toilet door, like if we were in a café or restaurant.

Tartsamazeballs · 03/04/2018 17:53

That's neglectful IMO

Original poster
Lazinganddazing · 03/04/2018 18:13

I’ve shown it to him and he’s said he won’t do it again. (Although is now confused about whether he should take her into disabled but that’s a whole other argument)
He said I should have added that she’s been toilet trained since she was 2 and does lock doors at peoples houses, nursery etc and will always take herself to the toilet without asking/saying she is.
She is good for a 3 yo in that respect, and is tall so people do often think she’s older.
However I’ve told him argument over, don’t do it again and we can reevaluate in 2 years time!

OP posts:
MadRainbow · 03/04/2018 18:20

Glad for a good result OP. I think the disabled toilets may end up being a moot point unless you have a radar key so wouldn't worry about that too much.

FWIW I managed to lock myself in my parents toilet at 18 years old and needed them to break me out cos the lock was very worn... you never know with locked doors Blush

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/04/2018 18:31

3.5 is clearly too young. That said I’m surprised by some of the answers here. A 9 or ten year girl still going in the men’s? My DD is 9 and I can’t remember the last time she went into the men’s.

thethoughtfox · 03/04/2018 18:33

Crazy. She is so vulnerable. There are a million ways she could get hurt or in trouble.

MollyDaydream · 03/04/2018 19:57

I wouldn't trust a 3 year old not to touch the bin/floor, lick their fingers, climb on the sink unit, burn their hands...

Comeymemo · 04/04/2018 09:39

I’m going to be the lone voice of dissent. This thread is a great illustration of how babied children are in the U.K.

A three year old should be able to go the toilet on their own. To teach autonomy and independence is to equip children with vital skills and confidence. It has to start with small things, such as knowing how to wipe, flush and wash their hands. Of course the venue is important, but if it’s a family place (mall, cafe, museum) and an adult is waiting nearby, do you really think this is a risky endeavour? How about when they go at home, do you also follow them in to make sure they don’t lick the seat?

The idea that 8 and 9 year olds need accompanying to the toilet is bewildering. www.cbsnews.com/news/japanese-young-children-solo-commute-subway-school/

MollyDaydream · 04/04/2018 09:48

My toilet is pretty clean at home, and I have a toddler step so they can reach the toilet and sink. I also know the water isn't scalding.

I'm not sure I have ever been in a public toilet where a 3 year old could independently wash their hands.

Bluelady · 04/04/2018 09:49

I can't believe so many people are so sanguine about little girls going into men's loos. That's just horrible. Only the most unreasonable woman on the planet would object to a dad taking his little girl to the ladies. He needs to man up.

GreenVoyage · 04/04/2018 09:51

YABU. He's a parent too and I'm sure he assesses the situation each time and is able to decide what is safe for his DD. Mind you, I'm not one of the MN hysterical who believe there are bad people waiting to hurt children around every corner (or ladies loo!).

Using a disabled toilet is definitely wrong for this situation!!!

Bluelady · 04/04/2018 09:53

Why this reverence for disabled loos? They don't melt if someone without a disability nips in for two minutes.

Sirzy · 04/04/2018 09:55

No but someone who can not physically use any other toilet other than that one could end up soiling themselves because other people are too selfish to use the toilets they can easily access.

MollyDaydream · 04/04/2018 09:57

Bluelady I have never seen a dad in the ladies, that would be weird. Of course dads take their kids into the men's loos, women take their kids in the ladies.

GreenVoyage · 04/04/2018 09:58

@Bluelady - There have been hundreds of threads on using disabled loos. Go have a look and educate yourself.

Bluelady · 04/04/2018 10:03

I don't need educating, thank you. So you'd allow a child without a disability to wet themselves on the off chance someone with a disability MIGHT need to use the only vacant loo? Bonkers and you can all flame me to a crisp, I'll still think it's utter madness.

And as for thinking it's OK for a little girl to go to men's loos with urinals not a man into the ladies which is all cubicles - I feel like I live in a parallel universe.

MrsPreston11 · 04/04/2018 10:04

Nope nope nope, far too young.

Nowadays most places have an accessible toilet. And most shopping centres now have a toilet in the baby change etc, so we learnt all the good toilets when ours were in nappies and he's clocked them.

I've actually a few times seen dads bringing daughters into the ladies, and in a way I think I prefer that to my girls going in a men's. At least a ladies is all cubicles.

MissDuke · 04/04/2018 10:05

I can understand why your dh is doing this op, I disagree with a pp who suggests he is 'lazy'. I am sure he thought he was doing the right thing.

Our local city centre has been known to have used needles etc lying in toilet areas so it is yet another thing to worry about when children use toilets.

Personally I would say he could go into the disabled with her, more and more places are changing their use to 'accessible' and to me this is one of their uses. I would be surprised if many disabled people begrudged the use of the toilet to a 3 year old who is too young to go into the ladies alone. I say this as a parent of a disabled child and wife of a disabled man.

Elendon · 04/04/2018 10:06

I was once in a hugely busy shopping centre in Manchester, Arndale, and was having a sit down and rest in the toilet area. The female toilets are very busy and there is always a queue. There was a man waiting, I presumed for his partner, and he was on his mobile phone constantly. Out walked a little girl who just stood a little petrified. I wondered if she had wandered off from her mum but no, she looked around and ran up to the man who hadn't known she had come out! 'Ah there you are' he said casually and they both left.

I was shocked that she could even reach the door lock, never mind wash her hands. These toilets are non too clean either!

AnneElliott · 04/04/2018 10:15

Agree with everyone else op - she's way too young.

Sirzy · 04/04/2018 10:17

No need for the three year old to wet themselves assuming them and parent both able bodied they can access plenty of toilets with their parent.

ErrolTheDragon · 04/04/2018 10:18

The ideal solution is for places which are likely to have one parent accompanying a child of the opposite sex is parent&child loos - which may or may not also be the baby change facility. Large enough to take in a pram and more than one kid, too. (I'm thinking of the Trafford centre, I'm sure there are others).

In places where there isn't room for multiple categories of loo, then unisex cubicles may be the least worst solution.

sashh · 04/04/2018 10:25

No way should she be on her own, all the stuff about reaching things - ditto.

To be honest if I was in a Ladies toilet and a man came in with a little girl I don't thin I would mind.

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