To feel left out

[feelleftout]

NC as potentially outing.

I helped to organise a weekend away for 10 friends - Friday to Sunday - with the understanding we would travel by car with 4 people driving.

Discussing getting there I confirmed check in was from 5pm. Disgruntled looks all around and I find out everyone else has planned on leaving in the morning "to get the most out of the weekend". Fair enough but I cannot leave before 4pm.

I call the booking and make arrangements for an earlier check in. So everyone now happy and start organising lifts. I repeat I cannot leave until 4 so I get "book the day off!" - I can't I work in a school and it's term time. Then "can't you chuck a sickie?" - I wouldn't, I support vulnerable children who can't cope with change. I say I'll look into getting the train then.

Train would cost £40 and I wouldn't get there until noon on Saturday. So I've told the group I can't come.

Am I being unreasonable thinking that one driver out of the 4 could wait for me to join the weekend? I'd do it if roles were reversed. I couldn't see one person missing out.

I’m amazed you still want to go with people who title their heads and say “what a pity” after leaving you out.

However I reserve my biggest disapproval for he friend who was supposed to be driving you and has decided to leave you behind.

Since you had agreed who would drive who, this must be a specific person. They are horrible.

I assume though that they know Op has a car & are thinking that she could get herself there?

I can see it a little from both sides.

I'd wait but be really pissed off inside but wouldn't leave a friend hanging...

Can I defend DH he has absolutely no issue with me having the car. On this occasion I didn't need to do he made other plans

Firstly i'm sorry, it must feel so horrible to have been planning this for almost a year and suddenly not be able to go.

However, i can see why they weren't willing to wait. It is a weekend break, leaving at 4pm for a 2 1/2 hour drive, almost the entire of Friday is gone. As, depending on traffic given rush hour is right in the middle, you're not going to get there til at least getting on for 7pm. That really doesn't leave time to do much of anything other than maybe a meal or some drinks, so they're really only getting the Saturday to do anything properly, as the Sunday presumably a lot of places will be closed/short hours and depending on check out time not much gets done on Sunday either, effectively cutting a "weekend" break, to a day.

How/when was it decided who would be traveling with who? Depending on who lives where/who can't travel in the back due to sickness/space etc, it may be now that it isn't possible for just one driver to wait back without their other passenger having to wait too.
Even if it could be switched about, at this point they've all booked a day off. While i appreciate you wanting to have someone wait for you so you can still attend, the person who did wait could probably have not taken a day off and used a holiday/lost the pay, or at least only taken a half day instead. It will surely cost them more than the equivalent of you buying a train ticket or renting a car to not leave in the morning and wait around hours they could have been working. So in a way, it is kind of more unfair to now expect one of them to wait for you and waste the day off and the potential loss of pay.

Are you certain this was done deliberately though. I know you were the main/possibly sole organiser, but it was a bit unfair of you to organise it around your time/job responsibilities and not the group as a whole. If they all decided they wanted to go earlier individually or as a duo here, trio there etc based on who is going with who, this might not have been malicious. Some may have assumed you could go in with someone else instead as there would be room and so organised for them and their other passenger/s to go earlier. I'm at least hoping there is an innocent explanation, and it wasnt a big group discussion of everyone but you deciding to all go in the morning, hoping to force you last minute when it was just you not off, to fit in or fall out of the plans.

I can see why nobody is saying much and keeping their heads down and not trying to find a solution now though, they don't want to be the one who misses out.

OP - I feel for you as I hate feeling left out as we all do , but it seems that you hadn't a clue how you were going to get there, you were relying on a lift but hadn't discussed it - no trains, no conversation about who you are going with , also you wouldn't get there until 6.30 at the earliest to check in which is rather late.
Are you going to north wales?
I think speak to your dh about the family car again, speak to your closer friends on the trip to see if anyone minds waiting, double check there is no way dh can drop you at a station where you can get there on the Friday evening. I don't drive on motorways very much and on long trips by train I usually pop into the train station and they give you a printout of possible routes which work best ( even though I have the app).
Are you sharing rooms? And when is it?

That's really shitty OP that one of them won't wait for you, especially when you've arranged it.

I'm amazed that not a single one of your "friends" who are also on the weekend away wouldn't delay going until 4pm and travel with you. I know I would do that (and have done in the past) for a friend 😢
I can sympathise with you on the being left out feeling, has happened to me a lot because I work full-time and none of the others work, they just don't get it. Doesn't feel great ☹️

Because sometimes there are single supplements to pay

" but it was a bit unfair of you to organise it around your time/job responsibilities and not the group as a whole."

I think that that is a point.

That said, even with a check in of 5pm-most would want to leave before 4pm if possible?

Isn't there a train that can get you nearer? You can then ask most amenable driver to come and collect making it clear you will cover their petrol costs.

Intheblackhole when we booked we did a round table "who can take their car?" And surmised that there were enough cars to take us all. Details about who was going with who was talked about this last weekend which is when I discovered they wanted to leave earlier.

@feelleftout Where on earth do you live that wouldn't have a train at around half four on a Friday afternoon?

Will one if them get up in time to pick you up on the Saturday morning?

Sparkle Often helpful to read the full thread before posting

diddl it was a group discussion and it was said after work Friday to Sunday rather than Saturday to Monday so that no time would have to be booked off

Kimanda it is a converted barn in the middle of nowhere so trains going near on Friday evening are non existent

kimanda - I assume there isn't a train going to where the OP wants to go in the evening not necessarily no trains at all. It's not that hard to understand that not everyone can go everywhere by train 24/7 is it?

I'm sorry your "friends" are acting so unfairly. The weekend was organised by you and agreed with them as an after work event.

I can understand the whole DH needing the car thing as we live in an area where we wouldn't have a sodding clue how to get around by public transport. One of our regular journeys to one of the kid's events that she is required to attend would be under a tenner in fuel and an easy 1hr 20 journey there and back in the car or over two hours plus arriving very early, two trains and 4 buses, £15 train fare plus whatever those buses cost for an adult and three kids these days. We don't all live in areas where it's easy to get around. (Though we have two cars so breakdowns etc can be worked around)

Please try not to let your friend's selfish behaviour mar your weekend though. I completely understand how they have screwed you over (the after work weekend start was agreed to) and it will probably leave you feeling still miffed but try to forget about it and absolutely do NOT go to the effort of organising things again and don't expect them to work around to fit you in either. It's clear that even if you did give your requirements (cannot leave before X time or cannot be X weekend) it would possibly be ignored to suit other's preferences better.

Have you paid for your share of the cottage? If you dont go, do you still have to pay your share?

And do your friends realise that this all means you might not be able to go?

I would be upset that no-one would wait for me. I would wait for a friend.
Do they definitely know you have no way of getting there and they are still going anyway without you? I think that's mean.
They must all know what your job is too.

I don't know why so many people are trying to pick holes in your story too. It sounds exactly how we would organise ourselves too, up to the part where everyone else changes the plan and left one person out.

Will one if them get up in time to pick you up on the Saturday morning?

And even if they would, could they? Bearing in mind they'll probably be drinking until late on Friday night, will they be under the limit before 10am Saturday?

We had this issue recently and solved it by someone driving to the train station to pick up the late arrival. I know you say the train station is far away, but exactly how far? We were in a converted barn in the 'middle of nowhere' and there was a station half an hour away. If it's too far on the Friday, perhaps someone could pick you up on the Saturday morning?
I don't think your friends have been nasty - just poor communication. If a particular person had agreed to give you a lift, they should have checked with you before deciding to arrive earlier. If no particular person had yet been allocated to give you a lift, then chalk this one up to experience - you should have all agreed who was going in which car.
Look at it another way... what if your friend giving you the lift had to suddenly cancel due to a family emergency. How would you get to there then? Shit happens, and as frustrated by as it is, there must be a solution somewhere - sadly usually involving spending a bit more money.

OK this is probably a rubbish and non-starter solution, but there are a few car-sharing websites that you might be able to try, for a lift on the Friday night. You input your starting point and destination and someone on the site may pick it up. BlaBlaCar and Liftshare might do this although I have never used those sites. I did register on a similar site a couple of years ago as I could offer lifts to someone on a regular long-distance trip, but didn't get around to posting the details so have no experience to report.

Alternatively, you might be able to see maps of the travel options available, You may have to input your starting point as from another nearby town which could be an option for your DH to take you and your overnight bag (unless one of your friends can take that in advance for you). You would only need a one-way journey and your travelling time availability may suit someone else who is leaving work.

I think that you agree a petrol contribution / make an offer / pay the price that they are asking, which could work out fairly cheap but also get you to your destination on the Friday night.

I would have waited for a friend though, despite being frustrated at missing my day out. Hope that it works out well for you and you all have a great time

I can understand why your friends wanted to get their earlier. They probably assumed you'd get the car and follow them down. I don't think you can expect somebody to wait a whole day for you to finish. Best thing would be for you to drive yourself there when you finish work. The family car is needed. By you. They will have to make their own arrangements for transport.