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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset at this comment

149 replies

bristollady · 02/04/2018 20:41

Ok, so I’m not one who usually takes offence at things - I’m a live and let live sort of person. However, this comment has upset me a bit.

My little one has been ill for a few days with what we think is a stomach bug. Diahorrea, vomiting, etc. Poor thing has not been herself, but she’s on the mend now. It’s a bit unfortunate as she’s not long got over a bout of hand, foot and mouth, but she seems ok now.

We had to cancel Easter plans with the family, which was a shame and I think they were disappointed, but I thought they understood why we wouldn’t want to travel. Anyway, we called my MIL today (whom I love, by the way. We get on really well) just to update her that the little one is improving. One of the things she said during the conversation was that children born by caesarean have lower immunity than kids born vaginally because of bacteria in the birth canal etc. And perhaps that’s why my little one had been ill a lot. All of hers were born vaginally, of course.

Now, I didn’t choose to have a c section - I laboured all night to try and have a natural birth but it just wasn’t possible and she was in danger so we had to do it. But even if I had, why do I feel like information like that is designed to make mums feel bad? What do you want me to do, go back in time and give birth naturally?! What can I do with this information?!

And anyway, I did some reading and it’s not strictly true. The study this is based on only tested 10 babies and didn’t take into account the mothers’ health or use of antibiotics. NHS sources say it’s not entirely reliable. I actually sent her this article to prove it: www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/caesareans-and-baby-immunity/

I’m probably going to let it go now as I don’t like arguments and I don’t think it will get us anywhere to discuss it further. Just wanted to rant a little and see if others agree with me that this wasn’t a helpful thing to say!

Sorry for the essay! :-)

OP posts:
3out · 03/04/2018 18:20

I agree with pp that your mil is just trying to reassure you that ‘all’ this illness is natural and out of your control. She’s probably been worried about it and then read something in a magazine and ‘helpfully’ passed the information on to you.

Hope that’s the bugs over with for a little while, it just seems to be cold after cold, chicken pox and sick bugs from 18 months til 3 and a half. Such fun

Lifeiscrazy · 03/04/2018 18:20

just let DD vomit on the MIL... and then .... she if she still makes the comment about bugs 😆

LardLizard · 03/04/2018 18:25

I think your mil was very rude and if you had replied well my dc wouldn’t be here now though would they he/she would be dead you would be well within your rights

Rude old bag

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 03/04/2018 18:30

Whenever people come out with 'facts' like these, I generally ask them to send me a link to a scientific, peer-reviewed article or research summary. I find that they often shut up then.

All children get stomach bugs, your MIL is bonkers.

DailyWailSucksSnails · 03/04/2018 18:31

It reads like OP has decided to take the info as thoughtless not malicious. Which is how it sounds to me, too. Useless info, rather than someone having a go.

TabbyMack · 03/04/2018 18:37

What the fuck is the matter with all of you? The complete overreactions on here if anyone says anything at all that isn’t 100% factual & neatly wrapped up with deep, deep sensitivity.

The MIL said something wrong. So what? That’s what happens when human beings converse. Someone puts their foot in it a bit. And?

All OP had to say was, “I don’t think that’s right actually” and that’s the end of it. But, no, she had to coming running to MN where she was assured of a predicatable level of outrage because she’s said something that concerned a “woman’s issue”.

She clearly didn’t mean it as an “insult” so there is no earthy reason why the OP should have taken “offence”. Context matters in life.

Grow up, the lot of you.

Katherine2626 · 03/04/2018 18:37

You had a C section as your baby was in danger; how would it be if your baby was damaged at birth but free of bugs and colds? Forget it - and let's hope this was a thoughtless remark .

StaplesCorner · 03/04/2018 18:42

I agree with pp that your mil is just trying to reassure you that ‘all’ this illness is natural and out of your control. I agree with other pp who think MiL was saying all this illness is down to you having a c-section because she was cross about plans being changed.

jemimahpuddleduck · 03/04/2018 18:43

This would bother me too.

If it's makes you feel any better I've had two babies, DD (4) was born via C section and is never ill, DS (18 months) was born vaginally and catches everything going!

Dressingdown1 · 03/04/2018 18:49

From what you say, I imagine that MIL was just being thoughtless, or even trying to be helpful. It's a shame that she upset you, but most people say the wrong thing occasionally.

TheHandmaidsTail · 03/04/2018 18:49

Ooooo DD2 was born in her waters... is that good or bad? Could you ask MIL for me? Wink

funkky · 03/04/2018 18:51

It depends the tone of how she said it. I actually found the comment interesting and will research it as I had one child vaginally and me baby by csection and she has had a few bugs so far so this has made me interesting.
I’d shes an otherwise nice person think she was just passing on info or observation and yabu it really depends on how the conversation went

funkky · 03/04/2018 18:51

Just seen I have so many typos but you get the gist

peacheachpearplum · 03/04/2018 18:52

Many more babies would be born en caul still if the NHS didn't seemingly have a habitual backwards policy of breaking waters. I never thought of that, one of mine was born en caul inspite of all attempts to break my waters. The student midwife was so excited, it was like Christmas and her birthday all rolled into one.

Childbirth is a great topic that always seems to upset someone, my Dr suggested I write a book as I've had 3 vaginal deliveries, one C Section, I've gone into labour and been induced, I've had forceps and no forceps, I've had hospital birth and home birth and as above en caul. He reckoned it would be better than one of those celebrity books where they have one baby and are immediately an expert.

I was very lucky as the one thing they all had in common was a beautiful baby at the end which is all that matters really.

Abbylee · 03/04/2018 18:53

Both of my children were csections and pediatrician said "they are poster child of good health." Still are 20s now.

My son was butt first breach we both would have died. Almost did. If study were true, which would she prefer? Widower for a son or slightly sick gs?

Mil is only going by one article? Ignore her.

Mangar · 03/04/2018 18:57

Utter twoddle..!!! I had a standard vaginal birth and my daughter picked up strep b on the way out..!! If I’d have known she’d be in NICU for 10 days I’d have asked for a section..!! My daughter then went on to have an unplanned c-section with her son and she feels like she failed somehow and she’s the best mum.. all in all it doesn’t matter.. babies get poorly and should be given the chance to get better without you feeling pressured to socialise.. brush it off and call it a misjudged comment.. you’re doing great..!

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 03/04/2018 19:03

I wouldn't have taken offence at that (also had a c section). Sounds like she was just passing on random information in conversation.

Dobbythesockelf · 03/04/2018 19:10

I doubt she meant anything by it but I get why it would upset you especially after 2 days of vomit.
My own mother said I didn't give birth cause I had an emcs, of course if I hadn't had the section my baby could have died so I will take that over a natural birth any day. I dont understand why people need to try and one up each other in regards to birth. My friends birth with only gas and air isn't anymore special than my induction followed by emcs, we both got our babies out and surely that's all that matters in the end.

LuluJakey1 · 03/04/2018 19:15

She is being a witch because she didnot see her DC but you are being over-sensitive. 'The little one' sounds ridiculous. Do you really say that?

Smudge100 · 03/04/2018 19:25

MILs (i’v3 had two) are very competitive. The gist of this is ‘i’m a better mother than you because my children were born vaginally’, regardless of whether there is any science to back up her claim and regardless of whether there may have been compelling reasons for a C-section in DD’s case. It’s petty and spiteful and YANBU. The issue now is how you handle your (not unreasonable) feelings and how you navigate your relationship with her going forward.

HicDraconis · 03/04/2018 19:31

If you usually have a good relationship I’d say there was no deliberate malice intended but that for some reason it’s needled you more than it should have. Why do you think a comment referring to mode of delivery is designed to make you feel bad? Vaginal delivery isn’t the be all and end all any more than exclusively breast feeding is.

This sounds more like your own insecurity/feeling like a let down because you had a c section, which is leading you to overreact. If you were fine with it and just saw it how it should be (how the baby gets out doesn't matter as long as you're both okay) it would have rolled off your back.
^ this ^

I have heard the theory that exposure to vaginal bacteria alters the neonatal microbiome and in our hospital, some mums are requesting vaginal seeding of their newborns - a swab is placed in the vagina for a few hours before elective caesarean and the neonate is wiped with it after delivery. The science in general of the microbiome and its relationship to obesity, autoimmune disease and illness in general is fascinating and I suspect we’ll see more things like this in the next few years. BMJ article for anyone interested.

marilyntaylor · 03/04/2018 20:30

When DS1 was born, I was part of a group of 8 mothers who had all given birth at about the same time. Only one of us had a CS, and she was also the only one who FF straight from birth - completely her own choice. When our babies were about 3 months old, her son had had far more colds, chest infections and tummy bugs than the other babies and she was beginning to feel really bad about it. She was convinced it was her fault as she had not even chosen to give her baby any colostrum. Looking back, she was in danger of developing PND, until the HV reassured her that her DS's illnesses were far more likely to be because of the emergency CS, which was completely out of her control and absolutely necessary to save her baby's life, than FF, which had been her decision. She explained the theory about vaginal bacteria to her as well.

Whether this was medically proven or not, I've no idea, but it really helped my friend feel better. If your MIL is usually a kind person, perhaps she thought this information would just help you understand why your baby might have been ill recently. If this was the case, I'm sure she didn't intend to hurt you.

Incidentally, the baby in question is now 19 years old, studying at university, 6'2", and very fit and healthy.

Mightymucks · 03/04/2018 20:33

Yes. Emergency C sections do provide mother and baby a slightly more important yet temporary immunity to something called ‘being dead’. You might want to point that out to her.

VivaKondo · 03/04/2018 20:51

I’m at loss as to why people seem to be so sensitive to a C section and put so much value into vaginal birth or CS.

Having a CS is just having giving birth. Why is the OP so sensitive about it and why is it rude to make a comment about CS to her???
I’m noting that the OP never said that her MIL specifically said she had all her dcs vaginally as a dig btw.... it’s the OP who infered that idea.

But the OP, just like a lot of other posters, do seem to put some value to a vaginal birth vs a CS making a CS ‘not as good’ (or not good enough, as if the woman had failed). Why???

So yes a CS very often saves the life of the baby and the mother,
It ALSO means that the baby gut flora isn't as good as the one of a baby that is born vaginally (and that has an impact on immunity)
The two aren’t incompatible. It doesn’t give any more value to a vaginal birth or a CS.
And it certainly doesn’t mean that the idea is rubbish or that it should never be mentioned to a woman who has had a CS.

As a mother, I’d rather know about it because then you can then actually do something about it!

pimlicolife · 03/04/2018 21:01

Oh I read that fact in a news app somewhere in the last week. Maybe your MIL just read it to and so she randomly mentioned it?