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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset at this comment

149 replies

bristollady · 02/04/2018 20:41

Ok, so I’m not one who usually takes offence at things - I’m a live and let live sort of person. However, this comment has upset me a bit.

My little one has been ill for a few days with what we think is a stomach bug. Diahorrea, vomiting, etc. Poor thing has not been herself, but she’s on the mend now. It’s a bit unfortunate as she’s not long got over a bout of hand, foot and mouth, but she seems ok now.

We had to cancel Easter plans with the family, which was a shame and I think they were disappointed, but I thought they understood why we wouldn’t want to travel. Anyway, we called my MIL today (whom I love, by the way. We get on really well) just to update her that the little one is improving. One of the things she said during the conversation was that children born by caesarean have lower immunity than kids born vaginally because of bacteria in the birth canal etc. And perhaps that’s why my little one had been ill a lot. All of hers were born vaginally, of course.

Now, I didn’t choose to have a c section - I laboured all night to try and have a natural birth but it just wasn’t possible and she was in danger so we had to do it. But even if I had, why do I feel like information like that is designed to make mums feel bad? What do you want me to do, go back in time and give birth naturally?! What can I do with this information?!

And anyway, I did some reading and it’s not strictly true. The study this is based on only tested 10 babies and didn’t take into account the mothers’ health or use of antibiotics. NHS sources say it’s not entirely reliable. I actually sent her this article to prove it: www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/caesareans-and-baby-immunity/

I’m probably going to let it go now as I don’t like arguments and I don’t think it will get us anywhere to discuss it further. Just wanted to rant a little and see if others agree with me that this wasn’t a helpful thing to say!

Sorry for the essay! :-)

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 02/04/2018 21:33

It's a stupid and unhelpful comment. I had an EMCS too and my ILs all bang on about oh isn't SIL so amazing for having a natural birth with no pain relief blah blah blah.
No having a normal labour isn't amazing it's a totally normal thing that millions of women have done since humans first evolved so fuck off.
Venting a bit there ....
Any how my DD has only ever had 1 sick bug in 7 years so there Wink

gamerwidow · 02/04/2018 21:34

I wouldn't say anything though if shes normally nice I'm sure she means well. My PIL are lovely in every other way too so I let stuff like this go.

Mumto2two · 02/04/2018 21:36

It doesn't sound like your MIL intended to upset you, but I do understand how comments like that can really niggle. Our youngest has health issues and is frequently hospitalised. My mil has made various suggestions as to why we have had a child like this...and I totally agree, it can be very insensitive & irritating.

derenstar · 02/04/2018 21:38

YANBU. I had this from my own mother and it still makes me cross to this day so I understand where you’re coming from OP. I think it’s is rude and unhelpful and smacks of kicking someone when they’re down. Even if it were true, what can you possibly do about it now so why even say it? I told my mum to give it rest (about that and several other things when the kids were babies....). The way I see it, if people choose to be insensitive then they shouldn’t be surprised when they get pulled up on it.

nokidshere · 02/04/2018 21:41

I seriously don't get why people give this stuff headroom

Anecdotal comments like this can only piss you off if you are bothered about it in the first place. You have a beautiful baby and a MIL who had a bit of a foot in mouth moment.

How you gave birth is totally irrelevant and you know that really. Clear your head and forget about it.

peacheachpearplum · 02/04/2018 21:45

I had 3 vaginal deliveries and one c section. The c section baby was more sickly but in our case it was chest infections. A doctor did tell me c section babies are more prone to chest infections never mentioned stomach though. I don't know if it is true but either way she grew out of it by about 3, don't know how old your little one is.

At the end of the day she would have died if they hadn't done the c section so I didn't feel bad about the chest infections. I honestly don't think the doctor said it to upset me, I think he was trying to answer my questions as my other children rarely had a chest infections, fewer between the three of them than she had. I doubt your MIL meant anything by it, she's probably read something and thought it explained it.

The main thing is the little one is getting better.

Cabin fever is awful, DH has been unwell for 3 weeks and doesn't want me to go out, a trip to the supermarket has become a real treat for me.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 02/04/2018 21:48

Your MIL is talking absolute nonsense. I had two children delivered vaginally two years apart - and I breast fed both - and they were continually ill for the first five years of their lives. Pneumonia, winter vomiting thingy virus, meningitis (not bacterial but even so), endless colds, stomach bugs, and ear and chest infections. So, take absolutely no notice of your MIL - she is clearly talking rubbish.

moonmaker · 02/04/2018 21:52

I agree it was a horrible thing to say, i've had a c section and id be upset too if someone told me the way id birthed my child made them likely to be sick- especially considering what a trauma a section can be if you didn't plan for one! if it makes you feel any better, my teen dd who was born by c section is , out of my three children, the one with the best immunity . It really has no bearing!

BrendasUmbrella · 02/04/2018 22:12

If someone tried to brag to me about their vagina bacteria I'd laugh out loud...

Bucky001 · 02/04/2018 22:16

I doubt she meant it nastily, as you say you usually get on well. Someone who has had only natural births probably would never assume that passing that remark would upset you, as they wouldn't understand the upset and trauma that some people who've had medical intervention during birth feel afterwards.

IMO, you are probably projecting your feelings about your section onto your MILS comment. I've had 2 sections too, and don't feel guilty about them at all, and I would take no offence at what she said, but I have friends who have had counselling about their sections and that comment would destroy them.

Why not explain how you felt about the comment and see what she says? Don't let it fester and ruin a good relationship.

BTW - my Health Visitor told me exactly the same thing, so I would assume it's fact.

Hope you're doing ok, OP x

KC225 · 02/04/2018 22:17

Bloody hell, it never ceases to amaze me the ways in which women try to kick each other down

marymoosmum · 02/04/2018 22:23

I was born by elective c-section and other than suffering with tonsilitis a lot (which apparently my dad did when he was little) my immune system wasn't too bad, it still isn't. My older Brother was born "naturally" and has a pretty poor immune system, but he has Cerebral Plasy because the doctors messed up and he should have been born by C-section. Don't listen to your MIL, it's a load of rubbish, little ones get ill, it's how they build up an immune system.

Dozer · 02/04/2018 22:27

What a dickish thing for MIL to say to you!

strawberrypenguin · 02/04/2018 22:30

Rubbish. If you normally have a good relationship though I'd forget about it - it's possible she was actually trying to make you feel better by giving you a 'reason' for why your little one has been ill a lot.

ADuckNamedSplash · 02/04/2018 22:31

I have no idea whether there's any truth to your MIL's statement about increased immunity. What I do know is that exposure to vaginal bacteria can just as easily be dangerous to babies. 1 in 4 women are carriers of Group B Strep, which can be life threatening if the baby contracts it. The baby is exposed when passing through the birth canal, so are more at risk if born vaginally than via c-section (generally speaking - there are a number of factors that come into it).

MoistCantaloupe · 02/04/2018 22:35

Of COURE it’s upsetting and you’re honestly not being over sensitive x

Usertwo · 02/04/2018 22:42

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/caesareans-and-baby-immunity/

I think this is what your MIL was referring to. Still insensitive to say but probably not worth falling out over if you get on well normally.

thetaleofthegooseandthesloth · 02/04/2018 22:45

There is a theory that the microbes the baby is exposed to when birthed vaginally are what helps with immunity, along with breastfeeding.

Even if the vaginal microbes were true, I wouldn't feel the need to comment it out loud because it's not tactful and hurtful. Sorry she said that to you. My MIL is a total douche so I know how it feels.

Echobelly · 02/04/2018 22:46

Uh, my kids were both born by C-section and have hardly ever been very ill at all! But I agree she was probably trying to be helpful and offer a reason, though I see why you might have felt it as a criticism.

Wdigin2this · 02/04/2018 23:02

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more!

Vangoghsear · 02/04/2018 23:12

It seems an absurd thing for her to say. Even if you wanted to you cannot change history, so why say something to imply some failing on your part. And as you rightly point out the research is very limited. Probably just thoughtlessness on her part, but if part of a pattern perhaps step back a bit.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/04/2018 23:24

perhaps she is just being, to her, factual and not realising that it might cause upset. after all having a c section is not a failure, just a fact of life that got the baby out safely. if vaginally birthed babies were more immune, that would just be a fact too, and nothing to feel a failure at. those who had vaginal births may feel lucky that is how they delivered buit it does not make them any better than anyone else, just fortunate to have no/fewer complications.

StaplesCorner · 02/04/2018 23:27

This sounds more like your own insecurity/feeling like a let down because you had a c section, which is leading you to overreact. If you were fine with it and just saw it how it should be (how the baby gets out doesn't matter as long as you're both okay) it would have rolled off your back.

I've just picked this at random, there are other comments in the same vein. Which is really odd seeing as the OP is tying herself in knots saying "oh I know she didn't mean it" and lolling all over the place. Clearly the OP did find it hurtful but that's not HER fault for being hurt, its her MiL's fault for being rude.

LimonViola · 02/04/2018 23:32

Her MIL wasn't rude. OP isn't wrong to be upset by someone's statement, her feelings are her feelings. But her MIL did nothing wrong.

LadyB49 · 02/04/2018 23:38

I think a lot of the comments here are over the top.

You like your Mil and get on well with her. So I don't see that she would be intentionally hurtful.

I reckon MIL has been just making conversation and commented on something she's come across without thinking that you'd take it personally.

Many times we speak out of turn, or take slight where none was meant.
I'd ignore it.
Or else clear the air with..... Hi MIL you're prob going to think im supersensitive but the other day when you said about vaginal births being better for baby, I got upset, given that I had to have a CS. .......