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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit upset at this comment

149 replies

bristollady · 02/04/2018 20:41

Ok, so I’m not one who usually takes offence at things - I’m a live and let live sort of person. However, this comment has upset me a bit.

My little one has been ill for a few days with what we think is a stomach bug. Diahorrea, vomiting, etc. Poor thing has not been herself, but she’s on the mend now. It’s a bit unfortunate as she’s not long got over a bout of hand, foot and mouth, but she seems ok now.

We had to cancel Easter plans with the family, which was a shame and I think they were disappointed, but I thought they understood why we wouldn’t want to travel. Anyway, we called my MIL today (whom I love, by the way. We get on really well) just to update her that the little one is improving. One of the things she said during the conversation was that children born by caesarean have lower immunity than kids born vaginally because of bacteria in the birth canal etc. And perhaps that’s why my little one had been ill a lot. All of hers were born vaginally, of course.

Now, I didn’t choose to have a c section - I laboured all night to try and have a natural birth but it just wasn’t possible and she was in danger so we had to do it. But even if I had, why do I feel like information like that is designed to make mums feel bad? What do you want me to do, go back in time and give birth naturally?! What can I do with this information?!

And anyway, I did some reading and it’s not strictly true. The study this is based on only tested 10 babies and didn’t take into account the mothers’ health or use of antibiotics. NHS sources say it’s not entirely reliable. I actually sent her this article to prove it: www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/caesareans-and-baby-immunity/

I’m probably going to let it go now as I don’t like arguments and I don’t think it will get us anywhere to discuss it further. Just wanted to rant a little and see if others agree with me that this wasn’t a helpful thing to say!

Sorry for the essay! :-)

OP posts:
Storminateapot · 02/04/2018 21:00

Good grief. Would you all be so quick to assume malicious intent of your own mothers or is it just in-laws who are automatically assumed to be evil?

Massive projection of people's own issues going on here I think.

I'm getting on a bit and I also had a vague notion that a vaginal birth had a slight benefit in terms of immunity based on info that was 'received' when I was having my children. That doesn't make me judgemental or evil, it just makes me of a certain age when that study was published. Are we all supposed to keep up with every study into childbirth in case we say something amiss? Jeez!

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 21:02

Hope you get to go out and about soon, OP! Smile

iheartmichellemallon · 02/04/2018 21:03

If she's normally supportive, then I'd give her the benefit of the doubt & assume she meant well.

Original poster
bristollady · 02/04/2018 21:04

Ok, thanks. Like I said, I really like and respect her so I don’t want to cause any arguments or take it further. I was just a bit sad and wanted to rant! Lol. It probably is cabin fever - not leaving the house for a few days isn’t good for your brain!

OP posts:
SinceWhenDid · 02/04/2018 21:07

Cabin fever does odd things! Hope little one feels better soon Smile

Gemini69 · 02/04/2018 21:08

I'd have been incapable of biting my tongue OP... that's an awful thing to say to you.. and bloody ignorant... Flowers

vdbfamily · 02/04/2018 21:09

I think this is quite interesting science and saw something recently suggesting c-section babies are also more likely to be obese as they miss out on some of the bacteria that help with digestion. I would not take it personally. If you normally have a good relationship with her, she was probably just genuinely trying to help you make sense of poor run of health with your little one.

HeyhoIndigo · 02/04/2018 21:10

YANBU. It's easy to over think things.

My DD once had a cellulitis of her eyelid which became an abscess requiring surgical drainage under general anaesthetic at the age of 19 months. I remember the eye surgeon musing aloud as to why she had this infection and asking me whether she was eating her vegetables ?

I obsessed over that remark. I felt like an inadequate mother and super sensitive to it but as DD was good at eating her veg I got over it. It was the wrong thing to say to me at the time though. Perhaps that is the case with your MIL. It is not your fault how you gave birth and nor is the illness. I think the best thing for immunity and antibodies is to breast feed for even just the first few days if a mother is able to.

Storminateapot · 02/04/2018 21:12

Hope your little one gets well soon and you can get out & about. It's so upsetting to see them poorly and you're probably not sleeping well either. Be kind to yourself, you'll probably see it all differently in a few days when all is back to normal. xx

LadyHonoriaDedlock · 02/04/2018 21:13

What a load of offensive bollox! Can't believe people are defending this bitch crap. Just what you need when your child is ill and your plans have been scuppered, weird random retrospective judgements of things you had no control over.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2018 21:13

There were plenty of sick children before c sections, there were just more dead babies (and mothers) as well. It was a pretty insensitive comment but sounds like she was just thoughtless, so I’d try and forget it op! Like when my mil gave me a book on women’s health because dh told her I was having lots of utis (which he now knows is none of her business and I don’t chat to my dad about dhs penis) , and the book basically said women got utis because they have repressed emotional trauma and abuse. Thanks a lot. My mil also meant very well Grin.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 21:17

She's probably concerned at the level of sickness her DGC suffers from.

Maybe she was told this or googled it.

She probably thought she was being helpful.

People need to stop getting "upset" over remarks that have no intended malice.

Glad your little one is recovering.

Weebo · 02/04/2018 21:18

Rant away!

It would have pissed me off a bit too but not enough to say anything.

It's just one of those things that is the last thing you want to hear at the time, isn't it?

FWIW DS2 had access to all the birth canal bacteria (say that five times fast) I had to offer and has still spent the day puking his guts up. He also had a bad cold most of last week.

There seem to be a lot of bugs around at the moment. My friends all seem to be going through the same thing.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/04/2018 21:18

I have had three sections and I wouldn't take offence at this, but it does depend on what the person saying it is usually like. If normally supportive then I would think they were trying to make general conversation. If generally unsupportive then it could be seen as goady.

I thought it was a thing, missing out on bacteria from not traversing the birth canal?

Juells · 02/04/2018 21:19

It does sound like rubbish, but some people just waffle mindlessly on and can't help sharing if they've read an article they think applies to you. I've had two c sections as well, and was glad I lived in an era when it was possible to have them safely.

sockunicorn · 02/04/2018 21:20

OP, Ive got one child born each way. One emergency C-Section after a lot of labouring and one natural birth 2 years afterwards. In my case its a load of shit. Both kids have the same immune I would say. Roughly same amount of days off sick a year and both bring home around the same amount of bugs. Best to just smile and nod at her and take no notice

4GreenApples · 02/04/2018 21:20

I’d heard that about (slightly) lower immunity being associated with c-section births too. I agree it’s not the most helpful of comments, but I guess she probably meant it more as “something interesting I heard” rather than as an implication that you’re somehow to blame.

Anyway, anyone with any sense knows that the NHS doesn’t carry out c-sections without a good reason. My youngest would almost certainly have died without a c-section, so i can happily live with the prospect of him having slightly lower immunity as a consequence any day.

JessicaJonesJacket · 02/04/2018 21:24

It may have been a misguided attempt to make you feel better because she saw the birth (correctly) as something outwith your control so her comment was intended to stop you worrying about why your LO had picked up two bugs.
I'm glad your LO is improving Flowers

dayandnightshapes · 02/04/2018 21:25

My c section kids get mild sickness bugs more frequently than I would like but they rarely have colds.
Tbh what a ridiculous study- too many variables to take it into consideration. Your MIL was obviously disappointed and wanted to justify it in her head.

Do you feel the need to justify not having a natura birth? (I used to feel the same) now i just smile and nod if someone ever tries to make me feel inadequate about how my children entered the world

Fengshui · 02/04/2018 21:25

People do say stupid thoughtless things and often based on something or other they read and took as gospel.

My DS1 (aged 9) is autistic and did not speak a word until he was 5. Mu own aunt said to me' Oh.... do you actually try and speak to him at all? How can he learn otherwise?'

Stupid me. Just making gumming movements with my mouth at the child instead of actually speaking to him.

RoryHatesCoffee · 02/04/2018 21:26

Really unhelpful and unnecessary comment.

There is some research I think on the 'microbiome' (someone might correct me) and sometimes people ask for a vaginal swab to be done before a c section so that it can be rubbed on the baby to potentially help with immunity but as I understand the research is very early on... and surely it would have the tiniest of bearings overall across a population.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 21:27

Can't believe people are defending this bitch crap.

Or maybe people don't want to shit stir a rift between OP and a somewhat thoughtless but well meaning MIL?

ny20005 · 02/04/2018 21:27

Oh that old chestnut ! I've had that from my mil too, along with asking me if I felt cheated from a proper birth 🙄

She also told me that the cs is why my ds has asthma !

She shut up once I pointed out that my dh has had a lifetime of headaches & neck problems & studies show it may be linked to a forceps delivery 😜

tictoc76 · 02/04/2018 21:32

You’re not being unreasonable to be offended. I had my son by c section and my mum made various comments immediately after about what a shame it was that I had to do that. Yes such a shame I didn’t just keep going and let him be brain damaged or something. People say stupid things - I would say though sending the article has given her the message not to say anything similar again and now you should let it go.

Weebo · 02/04/2018 21:33

Oh, burn Ny. :o

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