To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

While I appreciate your friend's point of view, this is as silly as someone objecting to you saying that you hope a friend with cancer will get better, when you happen to be talking with a group of people, one of whom knows someone who died of it.

Of course you want a healthy baby.

I'd phone your friend up and say you are sorry that you upset her, but of course you hope that your baby is healthy and that you are sure that when she was pregnant she also hoped that her baby would be healthy. That doesn't mean that if your baby was unhealthy and had a disability that you wouldn't love them, because of course you would love them and you would still be very glad you'd had them. Maybe say something about how much you love her daughter and how you just hope that your baby - healthy or unhealthy - is just as happy as she is.

Well some Cultures etc favour Boys, because they are thought to be more valuable than Girls.

So some people with children with disabilities see saying what you did means that a healthy child is worth more than a disabled one.

With the way our Society is going and the reduction in benefits and rights for disabled people, many Parents of disabled children are scared. A comment such as yours intensifies things.

Would you still want your baby if a condition showed up, or would you have a late abortion? That answers your question.

Some people don't screen for Downs because they wouldn't end their pregnancy. So they just want a baby, not just a healthy one.

There isn't the appreciation what Parents of disabled children go through and how every day they can come across something that shows Society's opinion of their child.

It was an ill thought out comment and i think you should speak to them. It might increase your knowledge and understanding, which is only a good thing.

OP I am absolutely sure that when the woman was pregnant both her and her husband were hoping for a healthy baby.
Everyone wishes for a healthy baby.
Does anyone wish for a baby with disabilities?
No.
I can understand why they were upset, They are upset because they have to face all the challenges of a daughter with CP, not because you wish for a healthy baby.

Oh ffs.

Everyone wants a healthy baby, no one sits there with their fingers crossed over their bump hoping their child will be born with lifelong problems.

If it happens then of course they're still wanted and loved. And we deal with that situation, but that doesn't mean we want that for them.or hope during our pregnancy that things will be different.

I say that as the parent of 2 children who have disabilities and will need lifelong care.

As long as it's healthy you will be happy. Of course you won't be happy if your baby has a disability. You don't owe anyone an apology. They are being ridiculous.

Two sides obviously to this, of course it was insensitive to say it in front of the parents of a disabled child. Of course no one wishes for an unhealthy baby.

They have massively over reacted, but it could be due to stress. I would reply and say " it was really not my intent to in any way invalidate your beautiful daughter, please don't take it that way" and leave it there.

You have not done anything wrong but i would feel bad if I had hurt my friend even if it wasn't intentional.

I would apologise for the upset and a few compliments about their child and their parenting. It's a friend she is being unreasonable but more important than that she is struggling and upset.

I think they’re being unreasonable and unfair.

I don't think you said anything wrong, OP.
They are inferring all kinds of things from what you said, it's called projection. (happens a LOT on MN!).

I'd probably grovel & apologise in all the ways suggested here to keep the piece ... and avoid them in future where possible. Treat them like kryptonite.

Some people don't screen for Downs because they wouldn't end their pregnancy. So they just want a baby, not just a healthy one.
That is quite true , however, I bet you each one of those women would have a preference for a healthy child none the less.

I think a real conversation is the only way to fix this.

Over-reaction, misunderstanding, mis-construing or not, your friend thinks that you have said something really hurtful about her child. Entrenching in the position that you said nothing hurtful, it's her problem and her DH is being a shit stirrer will do nothing to fix this friendship.

I think that's a ridiculous over-reaction. My youngest has significant disabilities and health conditions. I'd totally understand anyone hoping their child was born healthy. I hope the babies of other people I know are born healthy. No-one ever thinks "Oh I hope my baby has the pain, and needs the operations, that Lala's baby has" ffs.

If you want to stay friends with them then I'd issue a "sorry you were offended" apology, but if that's par for the course with them then you'll end up having to apologise a lot over the years each time they take offence.

When people say they are hoping for a healthy baby, they are not saying they discount babies with disabilities.
They are saying that they hope not to have a life of worry and stress, fighting for their children’s right to services, going on endless consultants appointments, fighting decisions made about education, struggling financially, worrying about meeting their needs, and about who will care for their child when they die.
I can see how the grief and stress would cause your friends to be hyper sensitive, BUT they are being myopic to not see that you were not insulting them. And that is one of the many problems of having what are commonly thought of as life tragedies. You have to keep on and on being the bigger person, rising to the challenges, hearing things you don’t want to hear, sometimes because it’s the truth, sometimes because people are ignorant , or just make mistakes. Your friends will infortumately hear much much worse from health care professionals that’s for certain. The ignorance there is staggering.

So it’s tricky, on lots of ways you have nothing to apologise for, and yet I would try and find enough love in my heart to respond well to my them, because they are carrying the biggest burden here.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

I'm disabled. My daughter has cerebral palsy. I would have no problem with your comment. You are not saying you hate disabled children or that you would love a disabled child any less, you were using a bog standard response when asked about your baby. My daughter spent two months on a neonatal unit alongside other sick and premature babies. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. (She's doing really well now).

Your friends are being very oversensitive and although I have sympathy and compassion for them, I do think it's unfair for them to upset and cause you stress whilst you are pregnant. I think they are probably upset about their child and directing it at you. Please don't internalise their distress. Instead, recognise that they are coming from a place of pain and whatever you chose to do now, be gentle, show compassion and don't take their comments personally.

I too wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby

They are being overly sensitive. Their response to you is completely OTT and when they pause to think sensibly, I reckon they will realise so - you just gave a standard response.

I would send a very brief message saying 'sorry didn't mean to offend, was just a standard response.' They are going to have develop coping methods to deal with a lot worse.

It used to be a very stock answer and of course people hope for a healthy baby.

However, years ago on MN a woman posted about how every time she heard that, she felt her very disabled child wasn’t ‘good enough’. She said she totally understood that wasn’t anyone’s intention, but it crushed her all the same. Her words, her emotions, have never left me and I think of her everytime I hear it said.

It’s easy enough to avoid saying it, so I think it’s better not to.

You clearly didn’t mean to upset her and in an ideal word she would have taken it as you meant it. Her DH has gone well over the top with what he said to you, but I’d try to be the bigger person here. I’d send her some flowers and a letter, just be open & honest. Tell her you adore her DD (if you do), tell her you care about her (if you do) and that your there for them to talk to (if you are) and to help practically (if you can). TRY to see it as an opportunity to let them know you’re there for them.

Life is hard for them, this isn’t how they imagined their family & their future, try to make it a little bit better for them 💐

But their child isn't unhealthy, their child is alive. Their child has a disability - you wished for a healthy child, you didn't wish for a child without a disability. You also didn't say you'd love it more if it had good health and no disabilities. They are massively overreacting and I don't think there's anything you can say that they'll be satisfied with.

I think this is the tip of the iceberg- what else are you not going to be able to say? I'd send an apology which included the above information, I'd make a clear differentiation between their situation and yours and then I'd avoid them for the rest of my life.

YANBU, there is nothing wrong with wishing for the good health of your child.

Massive or reaction, of course we all want healthy babies, sometimes reality is different. I have a dd with Moderate ASD, leRning difficulties, developmental delays. The comment would go right over my head. I would apologise and just distance myself from them.

Firstly I owe nobody a big big apology and I won't be issuing one. I was asked a question and gave a fairly standard answer. There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy baby, everybody wants health and happiness for everyone that they love, if they don't get it then of course you love that person irrespective of their disability but it is absolutely fine to want the very best, including health, for your children. I won't be issuing an apology

Perfect answer, IMO.

“I’m sorry about your little girl/boy

Yikes, don’t say this!

Other than one virtue signalling muppet (on Mumsnet no less) who claimed to have hoped for a disabled child no one would ever wish for anything other than healthy.

Yes, we'd love our children regardless, and no we wouldn't change them for the world, but the husband and wife sound crackers.

I hope your pregnancy is happy, healthy and uneventful.

Did you know their child is disabled at the time you said it ? Have you directly spoken to them in the past about how hard they are finding life with a disabled child?

If so, you could have been more tactful as they've taken it (wrongly) that you said 'I don't want a child like yours'
If that's the case, I'd apologise but also qualify that you used a standard phrase that's pretty common without thinking of their situation at all. It's akin to saying 'fine thanks and you?' to the question of 'How are you?' without checking everyone within earshot and sight are not disabled. Poor example though, hope you get the gist.

If you didn't know their child is disabled, then it's even more fine to say what you said. Reply and say you didn't know, so it couldn't possibly have been a slight to them.

The dad who emailed you did it from being very hurt and seeing his wife even more so, it's part of having a disabled kid, most days everything's a struggle and people can and do say insensitive things which slip through your usually tougher than a rhino skin and it does pierce the heart, even when it's not intended to. Of course, it won't be just what you said, it will be a culmination of all sorts of ways her daughter's been in her eyes belittled and denigrated by everyone with "normal" children since the last time it hurt her so much.

however, I bet you each one of those women would have a preference for a healthy child none the less.

That doesn't mean they would say to parents of a child with Down syndrome that they hope their child doesn't have Down syndrome. Which is tantamount to what the friend thinks OP has done.

I think every expectant parent says the same at some point and I would have imagined your friend uttered those words when she first found out she was expecting apologise and say the words have been taken in the wrong context and I'm sure they will understand how it just tripped off your tongue.

macaroni I agree, but she didn't, she just wanted a healthy child like every other parent on this planet.