To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

[windchimesabotage]

She overreacted massively. Saying that you hope your child is born healthy does not mean you would not value a child with disabilities. Of course we want the easiest happiest life for our children and if they are born with disabilities sometimes they may have to struggle. So not parent would actively want that but that doesnt mean they would not love and support and value a child who has disabilities.

Obviously the woman has been through a lot and I would just say 'im sorry if what I said made you feel that way, that was not my intention' and leave it at that. I wouldnt make a song and dance about it but I do agree she was being massively unreasonable.

[obligations]

I think that unless you specifically know if/how much they're struggling it wasn't a terrible thing to say but in theory while you haven't done anything wrong, would you not just write back and say you're sorry his wife is upset and that it was just a stock answer that you hadn't really thought might affect anyone.

[Haffiana]

The world has gone mad. I would cut all contact with someone so entitled, rude, demanding and frankly unpleasant.

First I would demand an apology from anyone who tells me what I should want for my own baby.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

I think calling your friend 'ridiculous' is pretty crap tbh.
If your child is born with disabilities I doubt you will still think they are 'ridiculous'
Particularly in the early days/years when your life is a whirl of confusion, appointments, 'bad' news, information overload and other people's opinions.

[BlueCookieMonster]

If you work anywhere near maternity, it is a phrase that is trotted out all the time. I've had debates about it with people about what does healthy actually mean?

I have children with autism, would I have wanted that, probably not, it makes life harder. But sometimes you don't get a choice in these things. Don't think anyone would wish for conditions that make life for them and their child harder, doesn't mean that you don't love your child any less though.

[guiltynetter]

i think you should have chosen your words a bit more carefully if you knew their baby had celebral palsy.

i’m surprised after you said it you didn’t think ‘oh shit! foot in mouth moment...’

he has overreacted but it sounds like they’re struggling.

[eggsandwich]

I have a young adult with autism, severe learning difficulties and is non verbal and I wouldn’t be at all offended by your comment, off course we all want to have a baby that doesn’t have a disability of some sort and that nobody says they hope they do.

I think she’s possibly not in a good place at the moment which is making her more sensitive to your comment than she would otherwise be usually.

I don’t think for one moment you said it as a cruel dig at her child having a disability, and if I’m honest I suspect she doesn’t really herself.

I would answer the text and apologise and that your mortified that she thinks you have an issue with someone with a disability which is absolutely not the case.

[CapnHaddock]

You know that they don't have a baby who was born healthy so yes, that's a very insensitive thing to say.

[neveradullmoment99]

I think you did nothing wrong. They are being overly sensitive. Its a standard remark. No-one wants to be in a position of having a baby that has some difficulty. Of course if you do, then you will love it. He needs to get a grip. What a cheeky arsehole.

[Orangecake123]

I can understand her point of view, but I don't think you have done anything wrong.

[TheNaze73]

YANBU. Ridiculous overreaction from your friend

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

I think you apologise and say that last thing you’d ever want to do is hurt your friend. And that her DD is perfect just the way she is. And you spoke without off the top of your head without thinking how your comment would be received.

[giveitfive]

Your friends are being dickheads.

I had an "unhealthy" baby and I still wish all of my friends a healthy baby in their own pregnancies. It's not wrong to hope for the best for your child.

Living with CP is HARD. I wish I could take the surgeries and pain and judgement about disability away but wishing for a healthy baby is NOT insensitive. I don't understand why people get so worked up and create so much drama.

I wish YOU a healthy baby OP. Your healthy baby won't negate my unhealthy baby or that of your friends... or any other disabled child born in the future.

As for your "friends" you can be responsible to them, but not for them. I suggest responding that you are sorry that they feel so acutely but that wishing for health in a child is not wrong and neither is it offensive to any of us (or them) dealing with disability....

Or find some friends who are less easily butthurt.... they have tough times ahead dealing with the trials and tribulations of parenthood with CP if they get hurt that easily...

[Greymisty]

I think the parents are being over sensitive but not ridiculous, the mum interpreted it in a way that was not intended - make that clear that wasn't your intention. Apologise but don't flog yourself. Then say how beautiful their child is and how lucky they are to have her and how lucky anyone would be to have her. Maybe add something about you can't wait for your kids to hang out and be buddies? Leave it at that and see what the response is. Other pps are right your friend might not even know her hub contacted you she could be really embarrassed.

[DairyisClosed]

You did nothing wrong but it won't cost you anything to apologise. Just say "Sorry if I was insensitive, it's a fairly generic phrase that just rolled off my tongue. It was in no way intended as a pointed comment about you or your child. To be perfect honest I am not very educated about your daughter's condition and it didn't occur to me that you would think that when I said unhealthy I meant disabled. I didn't. All I meant was that I don't care about the sex of my baby and I hope for an uneventful birth. Again I am sport that I inadvertently caused offence. Next time I will be more careful to monitor what I say around you in case it could somehow be misconstrued as disabilist or otherwise offensive. "

[Lacucuracha]

Stop justifying entitled behaviour by guilt tripping women into apologising for doing nothing wrong.

[Herbalteahippie]

YANBU. they asked a question about you then applied the answer to themselves? They need to get over themselves.

[skippy67]

Yanbu. You didn't say anything wrong. You were asked about your baby, not their child. Don't apologise either.

[windchimesabotage]

People wind me up when they firmly believe their pain and fear is more valid that anyone elses and must be pandered to above anyone elses concerns.
I have sympathy for people maybe being upset by this comment because they have recently been through something difficult, most reasonable people would also take a step back and consider their offence however..... I do not have sympathy for people so emotionally entitled that they cant see past the end of their own noses.
Being pregnant is pretty scary, you have all sorts of fears and concerns over your baby. Why on earth should you have more compassion for these people than they are showing towards you and your own fears?
Im pregnant and I constantly worry if my baby is going to be born healthy or not, if im going to bleed to death, if the baby is even going to be born alive. Its a scary time and these things are on most womens minds. They arent personal insults towards anyone else. I mean these people are for some reason demanding that you consider their experiences and emotions above your own even though you are both going through a difficult time in different ways. Obviously take the high road and just say 'im sorry if that is what you felt, that is not what I intended to imply by what I said' but please dont think you are in the wrong in any way for expressing a completely valid concern over the health of your unborn child.

[Schlimbesserung]

You could leave it a day or two and then speak to your friend. Don't say anything at all to the husband. You only have his word for it that your friend is as upset as he says.

[TidyDancer]

You really haven't done anything wrong here OP. I would give your friend the benefit of the doubt though, you don't know that she was aware her DH was sending that email. They were both over sensitive and he's gone one step further because of how his DW has reacted.

I would respond to the email, but not apologise. You could explain to him that you do not make the connection between 'disabled' and 'unhealthy' and that you were responding to a question from another person, not commenting regarding their DD. You could do a non-apology apology if you want ("I'm sorry you've been upset but what I said" rather than "I'm sorry I upset you") but I wouldn't recommend it. Looks too snarky.

I would remember they are clearly struggling and not able to be rational about everything. They are oversensitive and the DH has been rude but I would try to be the bigger person here, they are not really reacting to you, but rather their family situation. You may well find that in time they realise how much they have overreacted.

[category12]

Presumably drink was taken by the friends so they would be more likely to overreact, while yes, your comment was a bit insensitive given their situation.

No-one was wrong as such - your comment was just something people say all the time and you didn't mean anything by it. But when you think about it maybe it's something people should be more careful about saying. Especially around someone who is raising a child with serious health issues.

[MargaretCavendish]

I don't think what you said was inherently awful, but I am surprised that you don't seem to care at all that you upset a friend so badly she cried all night. Most people would be quite worried about that, even if it was completely unintentional. You don't seem to have any concern at all for her - even if I thought a friend was being irrational, I can't imagine just thinking 'ah, screw her, her fault for overreacting', if this is an actual friend and so someone you care about. This

if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

seems particularly callous - like you're saying 'well, she's easily upset so I don't even have to try to be sensitive'.

[RapunzelIsHere]

You haven’t done anything wrong. What you said is what a lot of pregnant women say. They have been overly sensitive and nasty to send you a letter telling you how awful you were.

Yes, ‘healthy baby’ may have struck a chord with your friend. I assume that if she was visibly upset at the party, you would have comforted her. But she didn’t tell you at the party she was feeling upset.

[Pengggwn]

For the love of god. She is being ridiculous. No one on earth doesn't want a healthy baby. It is a perfectly valid thing to want. Tell her you didn't mean to offend her but you can't apologise for wanting your baby to be born healthy.