To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

[Whenwillth1send]

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, you said something totally normal, without thinking and certainly without any intention of offending. You were relaxed and enjoying a party. On the other hand, people experiencing grief can be triggered by anything at all, and it's very possible what you said reminded her of what she doesn't have. However, she either needs to get counselling or come to terms with what has happened rather than expect everyone else to walk on eggshells every time they are near her to avoid hurting her feelings. I think if this isn't resolved your friendship will become distant quite fast.

[Speakingmymind]

I have to agree with you OP, she is being ridiculous. Not RTFT but this friend is projecting her negative emotions onto something innocent you said. There was no malice in your words or any intent to cause harm, upset or make any sort of a point. A good friend would know that. A good friend would maybe bring it up with you later once they have calmed down and discuss it rationally. Tell you that they were hurt and talk it through but know inside that you never meant any pain to them.

Rather than come to terms with her life and work through her own issues / feelings, it is apparent it is easier for her to get angry and upset at you.

[Lizzie48]

But it does sound like it could be the DH's issue, so many PPs are overlooking the fact that the friend hasn't actually said anything about it. She may not even know about the email, or even be upset at all. The OP has said that she doesn't like her friend's DH.

[dingdongdigeridoo]

This is on the Daily Mirror website today.

[gearandloathing]

It's not that a healthy baby is any more valued than an unhealthy/ill /disabled one but if only for the child's own sake it is clearly going to be easier to live without a disability than with one.

Nothing wrong with wishing the best possible life for any child you have, without saying you would value a child with a disability any less.

I wouldn't apologise OP, have a chat to find out what the nub of the issue is, if your friend is willing to go there. Never apologise if you don't mean it - I hate it when people apologise for the sake of keeping the peace, as it stops you being true to yourself/your values.

By all means if you think you did something wrong, apologise - but a true apology has to be heartfelt or else it is worse than meaningless, it is a lie.

[Lizzie48]

If the friend did have a good cry once in the privacy of her own home, it's likely that the last thing she would have wanted was her husband to fire off an angry, ranting email to her friend. That's certainly how I would feel.

So if she does know, she will be mortified, as she will have known that she was being unreasonable in the cold light of day.

But in her shoes, I would want to know what my husband had done behind my back.

[Mamadothehump]

Hope lunch went well op

[WorkingBling]

Hope lunch went well.
I have a friend whose DS is severely autistic. She recently put a post on facebook (during autism awareness) with a link to an article making the point that autism awareness is good but "celebrating" autism isn't. Her point was that she loves her DS completely but she will NEVER be happy that he has autism. I have been thinking about that post off and on for days now because it's so true - we all want our children to be healthy and if they're not or have unique challenges, we still love them and believe in them but given a choice, we'd take those away.

[Eatalot]

She didnt say that she wouldnt love or want the baby if it is not healthy. I find that fucking insulting to the op that anyone would think that. But she is right to want a healthy baby. Praying that your child doesnt get cancer is not offensive to the children and mums if children who do get cancer.

[Galadrielsring]

Today went well. Friend was NOT upset with me - she said what Id said brought back memories of when she had her dts (4 years after having her dd) and felt guilty for wishing them healthy as it made HER feel like she was invalidating her dd for wanting children without disabilities. This has obviously come out in a drunken rant, her and her DH argued and her DH deduced it was my fault for causing it, hence the email (which she knew nothing about and was absolutely seething)

I’ll not be writing back as I know the mirror have got hold of this - I had to confess to her i’d posted on here as some of the details could be identifiable, which she was pissed about but isn’t blaming me.

Thank you for all the replies and advice. I’ll be namechanging now as she will obviously know my username if she looks this thread up!

[category12]

I'm glad your friendship is going to survive this, and glad the dh acted alone, as such.

[hereyougosuckmyassforensics]

Fucking lazy tabloids. I'm glad you sorted it all out.

[Lizzie48]

I'm glad you've both come through this with your friendship intact, OP, it never seemed likely that she was upset with you about your comment, especially with what you said about her DH, who sounds like a piece of work.

Don't feel bad about starting this thread. You were understandably upset and needed to vent, and MN is supposed to be anonymous, it's disgraceful that newspapers take advantage the way they do.

for you and for your pregnancy

[GabsAlot]

good to hear gal

hope everything ok with her dh he sounds nasty

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Jeez, I have a son born with a life-limiting illness. I wouldn't take offence to that, it's what we all want.

[Denjane01]

Anyone who thinks this is insensitive is a m0ron. That is what everyone hope's for. They would be happier if you said " I hope my baby is born with a defect". Total m0rons....

[Lizzie48]

It seems the last 2 posters haven't read the thread. The friend didn't know about the email and was very angry with her DH. It really sounds as if he blamed the OP unfairly for an argument that he and his wife had, caused by too much alcohol.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

I have RTFT. My comment was about the friend's DH.

I already had DD1 when DS1 was diagnosed, and now have DD2 and DS2, I wished the younger 2 healthy even more strongly, because why would I wish such a serious, lifelong illness on any of my DC?

[Lizzie48]

I think the DH was blaming the OP for the row he had with his wife, not because he disagreed with her comment. It sounds like it was no more than a drunken rant. I suspect he was also trying to create a wedge between his wife and her friend the OP as well, sadly.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

I think he caused the row.

[Lizzie48]

I agree, it was all him. I think the OP's comment was just an excuse, it's very sad that he's caused so much stress, I think the friend would be much better off without him.

[YourVagesty]

Your reply was a 'received phrase', i.e. a stock phrase that nobody puts any thought into. Your friend has overreacted I think.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Hear, hear.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

That was to Lizzie.

YourVagesty RTFT.

[SnobblyBobbly]

That kind of thing would mark the beginning of a phase out for me.

So what next? You can’t be happy when your baby reaches any milestone that their child hasn’t reached?

We have two (differently) disabled children within our friendship group - if we got offended about comments like that, we wouldn’t be able to mention the children at all!