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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 13:09

That doesn't mean they would say to parents of a child with Down syndrome that they hope their child doesn't have Down syndrome. Which is tantamount to what the friend thinks OP has done.

Except that she didn't say anything like that. And nor, to be fair, did the friend say that she thought that.

OP received a shitty text from friend's shit stirring husband, and friend may not even know, far less approve, of him sending it.

BarbarianMum · 01/04/2018 13:09

Ultimately, you get the baby you're given. I've never known anyone hope for an unhealthy child though, or a disabled one for that matter. Illness or disability doesn't detract from a person's worth but it can affect quality (and quantity) of life, so why would you hope for that?

Coco134 · 01/04/2018 13:09

I think you were insensitive and inconsiderate to say it in front of them when they clearly have a daughter with CP but there over reacting.

I’d just reply saying you didn’t mean to cause any offence and leave it as that.

Makingdinner · 01/04/2018 13:09

They're over reacting. I assume They did not wish for an unhealthy baby?

It's just something everyone says. Not everyone gets it but it doesn't make the children who are not in perfect health any less special or wanted. Nobody wants their child to be poorly do they!

I'm not sure how I'd respond to be honest.

KoshaMangsho · 01/04/2018 13:10

What about:
I am sorry if my comment offended you. As you know, it wasn’t intended to suggest anything about your daughter (NAME) because to me she is indeed healthy and beautiful. I hope you also know/realise that if my child turned out to have disabilities they would not be any less loved or welcome. I am sorry you feel that my comment was directed at X but it wasn’t. I hope you can see past this but if you can’t I would be sorry to lose your friendship.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/04/2018 13:11

They’re being really over sensitive and making it all about them. I wouldn’t be apologizing for wishing what every parent wishes for their child, but I would say they have taken it the wrong way.

Besides, disability is not synonymous with being unhealthy.

KoshaMangsho · 01/04/2018 13:12

It raises the question of whether a child with Down’s syndrome is ‘unhealthy’? Many would argue that they are not, right?

The husband is also implying that you would consider a child with disabilities to be ‘lesser’ in your eyes which is equally offensive.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 13:13

It raises the question of whether a child with Down’s syndrome is ‘unhealthy’? Many would argue that they are not, right?

Perfectly possible to have DS or CP and be healthy.

It was the husband who conflated having CP with being unhealthy, not OP.

DragonMummy1418 · 01/04/2018 13:14

I can see why she might be upset but at the same time she has to know that this is a typical saying and you didn't mean anything by it and she will undoubtably come across people with much meaner comments so she needs to grow a thicker skin.
I'd ignore the email, pretend you didn't get it.

haverhill · 01/04/2018 13:16

Yanbu. Your answer was the standard one to the question. I feel he is over-reacting.

Makingdinner · 01/04/2018 13:17

kosha I wouldn't consider having downs syndrome as beinh unhealthy no. The child might have different needs but in my head it doesn't equal beinh unhealthy.

To a pp I did have the downs syndrome screening - i would never have ended the pregnancy but I would have been more prepared if the baby had downs syndrome (or a higher chance)

Shampaincharly · 01/04/2018 13:19

I think you gave the answer that most expectant parents would give.
An exception to this are friends who had several miscarriages and were desperate to have any baby .

Hedger · 01/04/2018 13:20

Were they being over sensitive? Yes. Should you apologise? Absolutely. Because she has clearly been upset by what you said and if you can do the slightest thing to make her feel better you should - because her life is probably immeasurably harder than you could possibly imagine. Don’t expect her to be reasonable - what life has thrown at her is utterly unreasonable and if she overreacts then who can blame her.

Don’t try to work out who was in the wrong - just focus on what you can do to make her a little happier and her a load a little lighter - i.e., apologise.

GeminiWarrior · 01/04/2018 13:22

My daughter had meningitis when born. I wouldn’t be angry if anyone said they wished for a healthy baby. Of course they’re going to wish for a easy/happy/no hassle time and not the hell I went through.

She is being over sensitive

FabulouslyFab · 01/04/2018 13:22

Yanbu. What are they going to throw at you when your baby is born healthy? Are they going to take that as a personal dig as well?
Ignore them and move on. You are pregnant and don’t need this stress. Flowers

FancyNewBeesly · 01/04/2018 13:22

You’ve upset her - yes, she’s being sensitive. You would be too. Think a little more carefully before you say things like that and consider who you’re saying them too. Being a parent of a disabled child is heartbreaking.

TheFirstMrsDV · 01/04/2018 13:23

The friend has every right to be upset and those saying you can be healthy and have CP are missing the point.
As it happens the majority of babies with CP have a lot of health issues which may or may not resolve as the develop. But again that is not really the point.

I can understand you being bemused and upset yourself . I don't think you did anything wrong. It may be that your friend doesn't know about the email.

She might not want you held accountable for your comment but still needed to let out her grief.

I don't think you need to grovel. It would be a nice gesture to acknowledge her upset and make sure they know it was not intentional.

Aridane · 01/04/2018 13:24

You were insensitive, they were over sensitive.

Obviously DON’T send th e cabbage draft of I did nothing wrong I’m not issuing an apology (well, unless you’re a cunt). And don’t do the SORRY IF YOU WERE OFFENDED faux apology - that’s so insulting, better to be silent than do that

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 13:27

I wouldn't reply , they are over reacting . If you said you were hoping for a boy would that then offend all those that have girls ?

Lacucuracha · 01/04/2018 13:27

No, I wouldn't apologise.

You did nothing wrong. Everyone wishes for a healthy baby, and yours hasn't even been born yet.

They are hurting but they shouldn't take the hurt out on you.

I suspect the friendship is finished anyway.

I would either not reply or gave DH call the husband and tell him off for upsetting his pregnant wife.

Chrys2017 · 01/04/2018 13:29

Ridiculous. I would be tempted to ditch these friends. Do you really want to be walking on eggshells every time you see them in fear of saying the "wrong" thing?

Takeaweeseat · 01/04/2018 13:29

My god, how did we get to this? How can it even be possible to offend someone just because you wish for a healthy babyConfused.

YANBU

Think a little more carefully before you say things like that
No, OP said nothing wrong.

peacheachpearplum · 01/04/2018 13:30

I got pulled up about this once. The person said to me that if I'd said I hope the baby is healthy it would be OK because why wouldn't I? By saying "as long as it's healthy" makes it more of a condition not a wish. I probably have lost of some that in translation but I hope you see why I mean.

I think it is pretty obvious you didn't mean to offend but now you know this is something very sensitive so I would, and did, apologise for any offense.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 13:33

My god, how did we get to this? How can it even be possible to offend someone just because you wish for a healthy babyconfused.

And not only that, but this is the stock response that women have been trotting out since the year of the short corn.

It is a totally predictable response.

If you were truly that sensitive, you wouldn't go around asking questions that you could easily predict a response you know is going to "trigger" you.

MsGameandWatching · 01/04/2018 13:33

I don't think you said anything wrong. I have two children with autism and one of them has other additional needs too. If I took offence every time someone said something that was unaware or unknowingly slightly insensitive to MY situation, I literally wouldn't be talking to anyone...ever. I don't think you owe anyone a Big Apology and the "your attitude towards disability" crack would really piss me off. I would most likely apologise to keep the peace or if I really liked them but o wouldn't really believe had done anything wrong.

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