To think my friend is being ridiculous?

[Galadrielsring]

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

[52FestiveRoad]

So if you'd have said 'I am really hoping for a boy' would they have taken offence because you were invalidating their DD as she is a girl? I think they are just looking for offence where there is none. However, as the parent of two children with serious health conditions I could cut them some slack. The pressure and stress of not having a healthy baby like the ones you see all around you can make you do & say crazy things.

I would never wish my children's conditions on my worst enemy, I understand that everybody wants a healthy child, just as I did. But the pain and worry of having a child with health problems is immense

[Mxyzptlk]

You did nothing wrong but it won't cost you anything to apologise.

It's not clear if these particular friends were the ones who asked the question. I'd guess they weren't, from the OP.

Maybe these parents have had unpleasant comments from others, causing them to be super-sensitive.

Either way, why not apologise for unwittingly hurting them, just as you would if you accidentally stood on their foot?

[ButchyRestingFace]

Well, OP hasn't come back to the thread.

I am imagining her knee deep in Easter egg.

Should she ever return however ... do you get on with friend's husband, OP?

Does he like you?

[MargaretCavendish]

Either way, why not apologise for unwittingly hurting them, just as you would if you accidentally stood on their foot?

Yes, this is what I think too. If something I said had made a friend - especially one in a scary and difficult situation - cry, then I'd say sorry, even if I didn't think what I'd said had been inherently wrong. Reading this and so many other Mumsnet threads makes me think that so many people must lead such unpleasant lives, because they're so keen to always be right and to assert their own rights, even at the expense of just being kind.

[Petitepamplemousse]

They are being ridiculous.

[ovenchips]

I can imagine that your friend and husband have incredibly thin skin about this bog standard utterance. I wouldn't blame them for talking about it privately and feeling upset. I have a severely disabled DC and some things said, however unintentionally and non-personally, really pierce me because they hit straight on my 'tenderest' part. We all of us have our own wounds where life has hurt us.

That said I would not discuss it with you. It would be something to reflect on in private because it was non-personal and a fairly knee-jerk response and of course you want your baby to be healthy. Who wouldn't?!

I think the husband has made a mistake in sending you that email. Especially on your friend's behalf after an emotional night. If I were you I would briefly acknowledge email and upset but then wait to ask your friend about it (not with husband and not by email) when you see her next and when emotions are not so high. I don't think you need to say a lot or indeed apologise - just let her tell you her feelings. She will not necessarily say the same as her husband's email.

[Galadrielsring]

Thank you for the replies - sorry I was at the park so have only just read them.

We were in a group - there were 8 of us, but it wasn’t her that asked the ‘boy/girl’ question.

Yes I knew her dd has cerebral palsy. We all fundraise for her as she needs a specially adapted chair. I love that little girl and would do anything for her, and they know this, which is why the email was so shocking.

There seems to be mixed responses. I might go with something along the lines as secretbum suggested.

Thanks

[elfycat]

But the question they asked is so strange. What are you hoping for? Well when you're pregnant you hope for a chubby pink baby, a chattering toddler, an athletic primary kid, a studious teenager and a responsible adult.

I got a yellow floppy prem infant, a hearing impaired silent toddler, a 5-9 year old with adolescent hormones kicking off under endocrinology. I'm still hoping for the studious teenager and responsible adult phases but I'll take what I get and cope with it, as all parents do.

There's no right answer to that question. People should stop asking it. The answer you gave is probably a reflex and you can't be 'more thoughtful' in a reflex answer. You're just hoping for an all clear on the 20 week scan at this point and no apology is needed for that ever.

It's a tricky one with the friendship. Are they the type to laugh this off in time, or the type that will always think less of you even if you were to sign an apology in blood? It might be worth asking whichever of the couple is your friend if everything is OK at the moment? Maybe something is underlying their sensitivity. If not I'd be distancing myself from them slightly, and more so if they insist on an apology.

[category12]

Either way, why not apologise for unwittingly hurting them, just as you would if you accidentally stood on their foot?

This ^

[tolerable]

thats rotten. Dont let it get to you-you werent out of order in saying what you did(to a stupid question anyway). You probably could apologise that they have misconstrued what you meant but im not very good at doing that without saying things that dig me in deeper.

[Petitepamplemousse]

Also I agree with Pengggwn. Say you are sorry if your comment was insensitive and offended them, you value people with disabilities of course, however surely any parent in an ideal world wishes for a healthy child. Wouldn’t they want to take the pain and associated health conditions of CP away from their child if they could? Clearly they are still adjusting to being parents of an SN child and are therefore overreacting.

[t1mum3]

Windchime - the OP (unless I’ve missed something) is not going through a “difficult time”. She is pregnant. The other parents, on the otherhand, have fallen through a rabbit hole into a world where people feel sorry for them or treat them like “kryptonite” (as a pp encouraged the op to do). They are understanding that society views the most perfectly beautiful thing (their child) as an object of pity or something undesirable. They are angry at society and what the OP said reflects society’s view. I do think they are overreacting a little bit but they may still be at the point where they think they can change the world for their child by challenging unconscious prejudice person by person. I know you didn’t mean to offend them but I think it would be more disproportionate for you to make a fuss about this than for them to react the way they did. I hope you can build bridges.

[therealposieparker]

You've done nothing wrong and your friend is understandably sensitive. Just apologise for any hurt caused but not for saying what you said, iykwim.

[GruffaIo]

I would have apologised for causing upset BUT FOR the dig about my attitude to disability. That would make me rethink whether they really are friends. I don't know any true friends who would think I meant something like that.

FWIW, I'm currently 19 weeks pregnant, declined downs screening and hope for a healthy baby. I have been asked whether I'd prefer a boy or a girl, and I've said I don't care and, to people I don't even know very well, I've tried to shut down banal pregnancy conversation by saying that I don't care because I've had two miscarriages and this pregnancy is the furthest along I've been.

[ButchyRestingFace]

We were in a group - there were 8 of us, but it wasn’t her that asked the ‘boy/girl’ question.

Jesus, that makes it even more surreal.

[TheFirstMrsDV]

Most people would be quite worried about that, even if it was completely unintentional. You don't seem to have any concern at all for her

Exactly

[Idontdowindows]

can change the world for their child by challenging unconscious prejudice person by person

Except you don't need to challenge people who wish for a healthy child, that's a bit silly.

Everyone wishes for a healthy child.

[Gemini69]

I'd body swerve them.... forever..

[ButchyRestingFace]

I would have apologised for causing upset BUT FOR the dig about my attitude to disability.

Same. I would be absolutely fucking apoplectic about that.

But it wasn't the friend who said it. It was her tit of a husband. Which is why I asked OP whether she gets on with the husband generally.

[Galadrielsring]

I’m not sure about apologising as I’m not sure what I said warrants it.

Yes I didn’t intentionally want to hurt her and don’t like the thought that I caused her tears, but saying something like ‘I’m sorry you are upset’ doesn’t sit right with me.

[t1mum3]

Just saw your update OP. It sounds like you are a supportive friend. I hope you and she can get through this

[windchimesabotage]

t1mum3 being pregnant is a difficult time. There is always the chance that the OP will have to go through what these parents are now going through so of course you worry about that. And of course you may express that worry when people ask you about it!
I agree the OP should not make a fuss about it but I certainly dont think she should feel bad about what she said at all because their reaction is unreasonable even if its understandable. They are the ones not being compassionate here not the OP. The OP very clearly did not mean to hurt anyone whereas the OP has actually been contacted by people who wish her to feel bad about what she said.

[ButchyRestingFace]

Have they ever said/done anything previously to you or any other friends that indicates this is not a one-off?

I'd be inclined to issue a sort of non-apology (but for the dig about your attitude to disability - he owes you an apology for that) if you want or think that the friendship can be preserved.

But if they're likely to take the hump at every non-insult going forward, it might be less stress to draw a line under the whole thing.

Assuming that the wife knows and agrees with what her husband has texted you, of course. I'd check that out.

[Narnia72]

If she's a friend I would ring her and say "I'm sorry you took my comment as in some way offensive to x. I adore her, and you are fantastic parents to her. It was just a throwaway comment and I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings or imply anything negative about x. " I'm not a parent to a child with a disability, but understand that they may be really sensitive to comments like this. You didn't mean to upset them, but you did. An apology costs nothing and makes them (hopefully) feel better. And it's raised your awareness that they might be struggling.

Hope you sort this out and move on

[Lacucuracha]

I really wonder whether they would have expected your DH to apologise if he had answered with that.