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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 02/04/2018 23:22

But, but, I would mind if my child was disabled (born with a disability or acquired). Yes I'd get over it and of course I'd love them as much and (depending on the type and severity of disability) I may well learn to embrace it and come to accept it as part of who they are and find the posotives. But my initial reaction is never going to be "oh that's great".

I think judging people for an initial negative reaction to such news is quite cruel actually.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/04/2018 23:33

BarbarianMum That’s it exactly. There is initial worry about the situation and understanding it. Then you hate it and you hate that your child is in pain, you are terrified of how to do things. And that comes after holding onto hope that your child is even alive by then end of the day. (In my case anyway) it’s all awful. And even once you come to accept it you don’t want it to be true, it’s horrible and it’s hard and it all feels unnatural. Even when you think you have accepted it, something new happens to throw you. You train and train hard to get them home then once home (I did this) I called the hospital after a particularly hard day and begged them to take her back as I couldn’t do it it was too hard. I had people calling me awful names and threatening to be done with me if I didn’t keep her at home and get on with things. It made it harder so I ignored the symptoms of my depression and anxiety and I eventually found out I had PTSD. It was only when admitting it to myself that I did hate her condition, I hated what it put her through, I hated how it separated our little family when we should have been all together starting our new chapter. I hated having to hurt my child everyday and she didn’t understand why. I hated that I couldn’t hear her cry and realised on a machine to know if she was in distress at night. I hated it all. And once I admitted all that, I started to appreciate her and I bonded with her and that bond is getting stronger everyday. This is her life, this is now ours, we know her personality and she is hard work, but she makes us laugh so much sometimes that we can forget everything. She is amazing. And I could never change her or what happened because I now know her, I know who she is and I can imagine who she will become and it all makes me smile. I would always take away her pain if I could. But now I tell myself I would lose who she is and I can deal with it. No way would I ever make someone feel guilty for wanting exactly what I did for a long, long time. A healthy baby, that didn’t have to fight or be hurt and could just be happy and accept a cuddle from her mummy and enjoy it. I wouldn’t begrudge someone wanting that just because I didn’t get it to begin with.

Coyoacan · 03/04/2018 04:02

the clear undertone being I will mind if it's not healthy

I mind if my adult dd has a cold, let alone not minding if I had a sick baby.

AnxiousNewUser · 03/04/2018 07:00

**See I always take 'as long as its healthy' as 'as long as they get here' and that's what I meant when asked re dc2 as we had lots of challenges with that pregnancy.

Yes - miscarriage and, to a lesser extent, stillbirth are common, so I always assumed that it was a euphemistic way of saying "I don't care what's between its legs as long as I get to take a live baby home" (and nothing at all to do with saying that you'd reject or wouldn't love a child with disabilities). My father used the "as long as it's healthy" response word for word when I speculated on the sex of my future niece or nephew, and it was clear from the way he said it that he was reliving the trauma of his own child's neonatal death several decades earlier.

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 03/04/2018 07:51

@willowwept your last paragraph is exactly why I was unsure of an apology. I’m not sorry for what I said. I do not wish for an unhealthy child or one with a disability. So apologising for what I said seems hypocritical. I will explain that it wasn’t intended to upset her but I don’t take it back.

@quackporridgebacon your post had me welling up. Your dd is lucky to have such an amazing family.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 03/04/2018 08:12

You need to establish first whether there is an issue at all. Your friend hasn't actually said anything to you about this, has she? She didn't even mention her husband's email, so I'd put money on her not knowing that he sent it.

It's more likely that your comment triggered something in her from her own pregnancy with her DD and she got very upset that her baby wasn't born without a disability. She's allowed to be upset, but she hasn't burdened you with it precisely because she knows you didn't mean to to upset her. That or it's entirely her DH's issue.

I would say, be careful not to turn this into an issue if it actually isn't one.

Lizzie48 · 03/04/2018 08:12

You need to establish first whether there is an issue at all. Your friend hasn't actually said anything to you about this, has she? She didn't even mention her husband's email, so I'd put money on her not knowing that he sent it.

It's more likely that your comment triggered something in her from her own pregnancy with her DD and she got very upset that her baby wasn't born without a disability. She's allowed to be upset, but she hasn't burdened you with it precisely because she knows you didn't mean to to upset her. That or it's entirely her DH's issue.

I would say, be careful not to turn this into an issue if it actually isn't one.

counselsadvice · 03/04/2018 09:15

YANBU. My youngest has CP and whilst I love him to bits I wouldn't actually wish that on anyone else. Of course you want a healthy baby! Obviously it does depend on exactly how it was phrased at the time but it does sound like she being very over sensitive.

willynillypie · 03/04/2018 10:33

AnxiousNewUser

Quite! I always say "as long as he is healthy" and that also (and in fact mostly) includes just having a baby who is alive!

OP YANBU at all. I would be very annoyed if I were you that someone was questioning my attitude given everything you do for their DD, and how it sounds like you dote on her. And I agree with you that there's nothing wrong to wish for a healthy child, and why would you apologise for something you meant? You could tell your friend you are sorry if what you said caused offence, but I would not retract the actual statement.

There are some really incredible and brave mothers on here - looking at you QuackPorridgeBacon

QuackPorridgeBacon · 03/04/2018 10:42

Galadrielsring Thank you. It’s her dad that has held us all together, even with all his flaws lol

I’d definitely find out if she was aware but I wouldn’t apologise for what you said only that she got upset by it. If she did that is. Hopefully all works out fine between you both.

Thank you willynillypie. Smile

UterusUterusGhali · 03/04/2018 10:43

Why on earth would she ask as that's obviously the reply she'd get; it's what everyone says.

Does she usually make everything about her?

MargaretCavendish · 03/04/2018 11:30

Why on earth would she ask as that's obviously the reply she'd get; it's what everyone says.

Obviously you haven't RTFT! She didn't ask, someone else in a group conversation did.

I actually haven't ever used that phrase, which I know is common but always seems a bit sanctimonious to me. I just said 'I'll be just as happy either way!', which seems to get the job done just as well.

Cornishclio · 03/04/2018 23:10

I think considering her DH says he doesn't think they can be friends with you then you need to clarify with your "friend" as to whether she knows her DH sent you that email. It was decidedly unpleasant and bound to affect the way you see her and if you have upset her surely it is better to clear the air? You don't need to apologise as you have not done anything wrong but just ignoring it seems wrong if she was as upset as her DH claimed.

bluebird3 · 04/04/2018 17:11

I think people are missing the point. Of course parents hope for a healthy baby, that's a given. But saying 'as long as it's healthy.' Is placing a judgement on the baby... that a healthy baby is better than an unhealthy one. And that is rude to say out loud to a parent of an 'unhealthy' child. It's basically saying 'I don't want a child like yours.' Or 'I want a healthy baby so they have a better/easier life than yours.' It's fine to have this thought in your head (most people would) but you need to know your audience when you speak.

That being said, it's a common phrase and if you haven't heard about this situation before and that it might be offensive to some people, then you could be forgiven for saying it without intention to cause offence. However, I think your steadfast refusal to apologise because you 'said nothing wrong,' is being tacky and caught up in semantics.

Nobody is asking you to apologise for the sentiment but I think you should for the fact you put your foot in your mouth by speaking without thinking. It's the same as saying, 'I'm so glad my mother is here,' to someone who recently lost their mum. Or 'I'm so glad I can get pregnant easily so we can plan exactly when we want our next lo' to someone who is infertile. Sentiment is fine, but it's insensitive to say. And you should apologise for what you said.

Lizzie48 · 04/04/2018 17:22

The OP was due to see this friend today, I wonder how that went? Can you give us an update, OP?

niccyb · 04/04/2018 19:12

Sorry but I cannot see your friends point. YANBU.
They asked you what you hoped for and you said a healthy baby.
I’m sure had your friend been asked when pregnant, she may have said the same thing as like you, that’s what we all wish for. It doesn’t mean to say that if a baby is born with a disability they would be loved any less.

mummyhaschangedhername · 04/04/2018 19:29

Hmmm ... I think it's a very common thing to say and I think I probably said the same with my first.

I do admit I do cringe when I hear people say it now, I guess with life and my children and their issues I have learnt not to think that way. So I do cringe at people saying that. I think that given your knowledge of your friends child it was a little insensitive.

However, I do think you friend seemed to massively over react, I do understand her feeling a bit hurt, but it does seem her reaction is extreme plus she wouldn't have chosen to have a child with struggles so reality is it probably something she felt at one time too. I guess when you have a disabled child you can't see life without them and maybe wouldn't have changed it, I have two with ASD and I wouldn't change them despite their disabilities, plus I had a miscarriage and someone once told me it was for the best because there "may have been something wrong with it"but I would have loved the baby regardless.

So I would say it was insensitive but it really didn't warrant the reaction you got. How young is your friends baby? Is it recent? Perhaps she is having a hard time.

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 05/04/2018 07:08

@lizzie48 we’re meeting today. Taking the kids to the farm then going to a Wetherspoons for lunch. Haven’t really spoken to her other than a few texts regarding the plans. I’m going to wait until we’re having lunch to bring it up. No husbands will be there!

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 05/04/2018 07:14

She is being very over sensitive. YANBU

Feb2018mumma · 05/04/2018 07:21

When pepole asked me I said boy and DH said healthy and everyone was shocked like I hated all daughters! Why ask the question when that is the usual response by everyone? I'm sure they said it before birth? I would just say I'm so sorry I didn't want to pick a sex infront of everyone and I in no way meant to invalidate your daughters exsistence by hoping that my child isn't born unhealthy. In future I will not reply I want a healthy child, thank you for making me aware of my mistake!!! They can take it as sarcasm which they sound lie they probably will but better to reply? Also I have 2 chronic illnesses and my mum didn't get angry at hubby's response! Who would be angry someone wants a healthy child!

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 05/04/2018 07:25

Ah such a tricky one. CP was a huge risk for my child, seems to have managed not to have it for which I thank our lucky stars. Either way I loved my child more than anything but.... I'm glad she doesn't have it.

It's worth talking about, but yes acknowledge her feelings but ask what else you could have said. Does anyone want a disability or illness for their child? Doesn't mean you would love them any less if they have one or think their life is any less valid.

Pootle40 · 05/04/2018 07:33

Jeez. Sorry but I think a massive over-reaction.....this is more their issue than yours. But you will need to tread carefully if you value the friendship......bit odd that a friend would assume you're saying it as a slight on their situation?!

WineGummyBear · 05/04/2018 07:45

It's a very common phrase, and not an unkind sentiment but in this context it was insensitive.

I cannot understand the posters calling them CFs, where's the compassion? His/her overreaction obviously comes from a place of great pain.

OP in your shoes I'd acknowledge it was insensitive and apologize for the upset caused.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 05/04/2018 07:55

By their logic you also wouldn't value your own baby as much if he or she is not a health baby. Clearly that is just silly.

pasanda · 05/04/2018 08:02

I hope it goes well today op. Do let us know if she knew anything about it. If it seems she didn't , I would be inclined to not say a word and carry on with your friendship the way it's always been.