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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
UpSideDownBrain · 02/04/2018 10:21

I'd test to ask her if she has seen the email her DH has sent you and say nothing else.

Scabetty · 02/04/2018 10:29

I would say I hope my response hadn’t been taken offensively as I had been thinking about it and can see how it could have been. Her DH is a dick.

insancerre · 02/04/2018 10:31

I imagine he was feeling a bit helpless seeing her upset and poured all the blame on you
She probably doesn't know about the email, but I think you should tell her.

PixieBigShoes · 02/04/2018 10:38

I have a child with a physical disability. Years ago I overheard a similar conversation in which an expectant father gave the same (standard) answer to the same question. He then spotted me and quickly added, "Or whatever. I'm going to love it anyway." I found that really sweet but obviously everyone wishes for a healthy baby. However as a parent of a child with SN, whilst in general we are able to get used to the adaptations that have become part of everyday life, once in a while something throws me and I cry a bit- sometimes a lot.

Sorry if this has been said already. I haven't read the whole thread.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well for you and your family.

JugglingMummyof2 · 02/04/2018 10:39

Respond to the email.
Copy your friend in.
Tell him you are confused as you have just had a text from friend not mentioning this upset and wanted to meet Thursday.
What is going on?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/04/2018 10:53

It sounds ike she likes you and wants to be friends. I would talk to her one to one before the planned meeting, wthout her OH being involved. He is not helpful in this situation. You don't have to tell all about the email, but just say one to one you'd heard that the remark had upset her and ask if she is OK. It sounds like she will appreciate it and hopefully this will mend the damage his email did. Good luck. This is a tricky situation but I hope you both get through it in a friendly way.

Silverstreaks · 02/04/2018 11:03

You responded in a perfectly normal manner.
YANBU.
Was your friend drinking? Alcohol can warp even the most mundane words.

Topseyt · 02/04/2018 11:03

Yes. Mention the email. No question there.

If her DH is trying to intimidate her friends behind her back then she needs to be aware of that, and he needs to understand that you won't stand for it or keep it secret. By not mentioning it you are letting him push you around.

I might consider replying to the email saying that you intend discussing it's contents with your friend in the next few days. His reaction to that will tell you all you need to know about whether or not she is even aware he sent it.

GabsAlot · 02/04/2018 11:45

right defintiely mention the email it seems like something going on with him rather than her

DollyLlama · 02/04/2018 11:57

I do see their point, it must be hard to hear that but I think "I just want a healthy baby" is such a common statement that you wouldn't necessarily think not to say if that make sense? I know I said it all the time! There would always be the crowd that would be annoyed at you having a preference too.

I would probably apologise and say you didn't mean for it to sound insensitive and it wasn't meant that way and leave it at that. No need for a BIG apology of something wasn't meant to hurt the other person but it would be the kind thing to do in this situation.

Congratulations by the way!

CapnHaddock · 02/04/2018 11:58

How weird!

Is the husband going to the meet up on Thursday or is it just you and kids?

Yeah I'd reply and say you'll chat about it with her on Thursday

TidyDancer · 02/04/2018 12:02

Yes mention the email before the meet up. You don't need this hanging over you. It really sounds like she may not know her DH has been a knob.

blueskyinmarch · 02/04/2018 12:07

I would reply to her DH and say that his wife has contacted you to meet up like you would normally do and doesn't seem upset at all. Ask him if she even knows he sent the e mail to you and suggest he tells her about it before you meet if she isn't aware. Leaves the ball in his court to sort out before you even meet your friend and you can be open about it all when you do meet. Hopefully it will clear the air and you can all move on.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 12:11

At this stage I would just call her. Why would you sit there and go thru a meal without knowing if she's aware of the email?

It's a shame you responded to the dickhead instead of contacting your friend directly.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 12:12

It really does sound as if she might not know about the email that her DH sent and you should tell her. I would be furious if my DH did this behind my back.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2018 12:19

I do take your point. Good God ask any pregnant women Wether she wants a boy or a girl. (Your friend included when she was pregnant) She'll probably reply I don't care as long as everything's okay or They may well state their preference but they'd say first of all I want a healthy bouncing baby.
However I don't also take her point, too

peacheachpearplum · 02/04/2018 12:20

Maybe the husband is fed up of dealing with the upset when people have unintentionally upset her. She must have said something about it or he wouldn't know about it so I think she must have felt upset to some extent, maybe he exaggerated but maybe when she got home feeling tired, maybe having had a drink she was that upset but today she has dusted herself down and is getting on with it. I'm really not sure how you should deal with it, I think I'd have to play it by ear.

I think it is worth reading what Pixie says, However as a parent of a child with SN, whilst in general we are able to get used to the adaptations that have become part of everyday life, once in a while something throws me and I cry a bit- sometimes a lot. This rings very true to me and I would imagine everyone can understand that feeling.

SwimFin · 02/04/2018 12:24

Maybe the Father hasn't completely come to terms with his daughter's disability?

I had an ex who had a son with CP. Some how me talking about my kids spelling test results, or my home births or even them visiting the park was me 'rubbing it in her face that her son would never do those things'

She had a lot of unresolved issues around her son's birth and it became so bad I felt I couldn't even mention my own children.

category12 · 02/04/2018 12:30

I can totally see someone having a (possibly tipsy) big cry over a throwaway comment of a friend one night and then wanting to forget about it and move on as if nothing happened.

I can also see a DH (possibly tipsy) writing a ranting email in the dead of night without the wife knowing.

I'd be wary of him, but would want to talk to her one to one.

Lacucuracha · 02/04/2018 12:45

peaches

She must have said something about it or he wouldn't know about it

We really don't know she said something to him.

And he knows about it because he was standing there when OP was asked if she wants a boy or girl.

Heatherjayne1972 · 02/04/2018 13:18

But this is what everyone says
Them ‘do you want a boy or a girl?’
Me ‘don’t mind as long as it’s healthy’
It’s kind of a stock answer to nosy Parkers who shouldn’t be asking you that anyway

Tbh if I’d ever got reaction I’d just not want to be friends with them anymore
There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy baby!!

bbcessex · 02/04/2018 14:13

😕😕😕 of course you should mention the email to her, OP. I don’t know why you’re even doubting that.

Correct response to valued friend in this situation:

1: receive completely irrational email from friend’s DH
2: feel mortified that you may have genuinely inadvertently upset valued friend
3: contact valued friend at first opportunity and say ‘got email from your DH - I’m so sorry, you know how much I love DD etc, was just a turn of phrase.”

Valued friend will either say something like “wtf, DH emailed you? I’ll fucking kill him”, or, “thanks, I know you didn’t mean anything by it, I’m just having a hard time at the moment”.

Why you are posting for MumsNet advice still when it’s a trusted friendship and the situation is clear is beyond me, I’m afraid.

Ellendegeneres · 02/04/2018 14:27

bbc because op values the friendship and wants to get it right in how she handles it perhaps, rather than the immediate reaction which would be different (specially if me, I’d have told the h to fuck off and contacted the friend asking why she felt she couldn’t speak to me about it herself)

Op wants to preserve a friendship she cherished and others have pointed out valid views- like the friend may not have a clue about email- which wouldn’t have occurred to me necessarily so maybe the same for her.
It’s a forum... people ask advice and viewpoints.

bbcessex · 02/04/2018 14:31

ellen - I can see that, but the OP received a tonne of advice yesterday and is still deliberating.

Dingdong1975 · 02/04/2018 14:50

Her husband is ridiculous. Comment on sorry that your wife is hurt but your email is unreasonable.

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