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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2018 14:57

Of course I would mention it, why would you not, her husband has probably sent you that nasty spiteful e mail without her knowing, and may have ruined a friendship between you.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 15:03

bbc the OP has said she doesn't want to apologise because she thinks her friend is being ridiculous. Those of us who think she should apologise for inadvertently hurting her friends feelings seem to be in the minority.

peacheachpearplum · 02/04/2018 15:11

We really don't know she said something to him.
And he knows about it because he was standing there when OP was asked if she wants a boy or girl.

I must have missed that post, it didn't say that in the OP so I assumed she had gone home upset and he was upset for her when she told him.

bbcessex · 02/04/2018 15:15

Fruit - yes, I guess so.

seems bananas to me that you wouldn't be sad if you'd hurt someone you care about, however unintentional.

I wouldn't be addressing it with the DH though. His email was either completely nuts or more likely the very ill-advised result of a drunken rant.

Momo18 · 02/04/2018 15:16

Most people say this. In my eyes it's not saying u wouldn't want your baby unless perfectly healthy, it's saying I'm not bothered about the sex, I'm more concerned about the baby being ok overall. It's what everyone says when asked the dreaded sex question as it's annoying tbh. I do think your friend is over reacting but I can see why it hit a nerve, just explain you didn't mean it that way and your sorry it upset her

liveandletbe · 02/04/2018 15:32

381 messages later, you said what every normal expectant parent says. Your friend got unlucky, when she is finished pulling her head out of her arse, tell her to f* off.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 15:35

Except that it was the friend's DH who sent the email, @liveandletbe not the friend herself. She seems not to have any idea about it. Why blame the friend because her DH is a prick??

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 15:36

She would probably be doing exactly what that man was aiming for, separating her from her friend who she obviously cares about.

seabase · 02/04/2018 15:40

I think saying a healthy baby is a common statement ... yes I understand your friend distress however the friend should also understand your concerns of wanting a healthy baby ... sorry no win situation there!

TomRavenscroft · 02/04/2018 15:44

Meet up with her and have a candid talk about it. It's hard but it's the only way to get to the bottom of it properly.

My feeling is that it was her bullish husband 100% and she doesn't even know. She knows you adore her daughter; and the question and answer here are the commonest ones going.

bbcessex · 02/04/2018 15:49

liveandletbe

Oh, the irony with your user name!

Moreisnnogedag · 02/04/2018 16:30

I'd imagine given that message that she may have had a little tear at the injustice of it but it's actually her husband that was deeply upset by it. I reckon he doesn't feel able to openly say he's upset/struggling but it's more acceptable for him to play the defending husband.

I'd tell her about it though. What if you'd just thought "duck the lot of you" and stopped speaking to her??

schrodingerstwat · 02/04/2018 16:58

This is nuts. You didn't say "as long as it's not disabled", you said "as long as it's healthy" which are totally different things. Can't see that you did anything wrong and quite honestly the husband is massively out of order for sending you that email. We all have tragedies...my mum died in a horrific accident, so do I cry or get offended every time someone says they are so glad their mum is around, in front of me? The fact that my poor mum died as horribly as she did makes me glad for anyone else who is lucky enough to have their mum around. So quite honestly, your friend should wish a healthy baby for you. I'm actually getting quite angry at the idea of him emailing you that, and the idea that you even think you should apologise. HE should. Good luck with your pregnancy and I wish a healthy baby for you (and everyone else) and I hope people are lucky enough to have lovely mums who don't die in awful accidents.

schrodingerstwat · 02/04/2018 17:02

Am I actually reading comments that say it's "ableist" to wish for a healthy baby????? This is so nuts that I'm shouting at the computer and all my kids think I am crazy.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/04/2018 17:54

schrodingerstwat I’m baffled by it myself. Who the fuck wants a disabled child? Who would want to put a child through the pain of being disabled? I have one disabled child and one that isn’t. I would like a third. Why would I ever sit there and hope they too are disabled? I wouldn’t, I would be hoping that the baby is healthy I’d also be having many extra checks to determine if that’s the case. I’m guessing extra scans are also wrong? I’ve watched what my child went through and still goes through. No way do I want another child to go through the same nor do I want to go through it myself. But I guess I am in the wrong for saying that. I would never hate if I had a third that had the same condition as their sister. I probably would hesitate to put them through what she had to, and would have to think a lot harder about what to do should they be born with the same condition, in the same dire state.

schrodingerstwat · 02/04/2018 19:14

@QuackPorridgeBacon I haven't got any good words but just want to (clumsily) say that I admire you so much for your fantastic, beautifully articulated post. A huge happy Easter to you and yours Flowers Easter Smile

QuackPorridgeBacon · 02/04/2018 19:31

@schrodingerstwat Thank you. I’m going to blush now lol I’ve never thought I got things across particularly well, but it’s nice to hear I have. Happy Easter to you and yours too Smile

Ginger1982 · 02/04/2018 19:46

I would take a copy of the email on Thursday and say, 'did you know about this?'

schrodingerstwat · 02/04/2018 19:53

@QuackPorridgeBacon Thank you Easter Grin

Goldmandra · 02/04/2018 19:59

Firstly, the level of sensitivity around the two issues is completely different and you're being wilfully dense in pretending they're equivalent.

I disagree.

I have two disabled daughters and I'm no more bothered about someone wanting a child who doesn't have a disability than I am about them wanting a boy. In' fact I think it is way more excusable to want a child who doesn't have a disability than to want one particular sex.

burdog · 02/04/2018 20:05

I think your friend is being ridiculous, sorry. The world doesn't revolve around her.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 20:08

Except it seems likely that the friend doesn't know about the Emma, @burdog . We actually don't even know that she was even upset, the DH had been a knob in the past.

Nevercallmehun · 02/04/2018 20:16

What an attention seeking knob she is. I have a child with a chronic health condition and I'd rather he was healthy, wouldn't anyone? You didn't say you wouldn't love and support your child if he or she were disabled or say disabled children had nothing to offer. Some people need to realise the world doesn't revolve around them and their stupid little lives.

famousfour · 02/04/2018 20:17

TBH if an actual friend of mine was so upset by something I said then I would be contacting her and apologising regardless of how ridiculous she, I, or anyone else was being.

Although from the email and your updates this sounds like more the husband hitting out at you than your friend.

WillowWept · 02/04/2018 22:12

There is a significant difference between answering

"I'm hoping for a healthy baby"

and

"I don't mind as long as it's healthy"

The latter comes across very harsh in face of parents who have a child with a disability, the clear undertone being I will mind if it's not healthy.

But I agree with BBCEssex why the drama? If you don't want to apologise don't buy don't be surprised if you lose a friend that you love.

Apologising that someone's upset but not for what you said is an awful thing to do. It's a non apology and highlights the fact you doubt feel sorry at all.

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