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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous?

472 replies

Galadrielsring · 01/04/2018 12:21

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?

Help!

OP posts:
OVienna · 01/04/2018 23:17

Her husband is abusive. It might be a drunken ranty email but he did press "send." If you have been as supportive as you say it is outrageous that after one throw away remark they are questioning the whole friendship. That they jumped all over that and assumed the very worst about you. I am not sure I would find that very easy to move on from and I would be wondering if the friendship was what I thought it was.

I am not sure what I would do.

Charolais · 01/04/2018 23:23

Everyone, when asked, says they don’t mind what the sex is as long as it is healthy. The parent's of the child with CP probably said that as well. Who wants an unhealthy child?

You did nothing wrong and the man is horrible for making you feel bad in your condition.

Oddcat · 01/04/2018 23:23

I must admit , I can't imagine any of my friend's husbands sending an email like that, he does sound a bit over the top.

GabsAlot · 01/04/2018 23:43

i agree it cold be just him lashing out without her knowing

my cousins dc have cystic fibrosis theyrfe uncle wasdue to have a child and said the same abouthoping baby was healthy in front of them-noone was offended

hope the chat with her goes well

TheBrilliantMistake · 01/04/2018 23:44

Might as well have said you don't mind if it's white or black.

It's a turn of phrase 'so long as it's healthy'.

If I say I'm getting older, but still got my health, is that invalidating all those who are unhealthy?

Coyoacan · 01/04/2018 23:59

Reading this I'm just glad I wished for a girl, though I might have offended all my friends who had boys.

I honestly cannot understand where the offence could possibly be. Maybe the husband is looking for a way of ending your friendship.

minimalpatience · 02/04/2018 00:01

You didn't say anything wrong. What you said is totally normal. Ignore the email.

skodadoda · 02/04/2018 00:15

Ask her how she would answer the same question when she was pregnant. You have no need to apologise.

Fruitcorner123 · 02/04/2018 00:42

Might as well have said you don't mind if it's white or black.

Reading this I'm just glad I wished for a girl, though I might have offended all my friends who had boys.

It surprises me how few people actually get why what the OP said upset her friend. The comparisons you make are innapropriate. The wording of your answer ( which is a very common answer to a very common question) was not " I hope my baby is healthy" but "it doesnt matter as long as it's healthy" I can see how that would be offensive to someone with a disabled child.

  1. You should have been a bit more considerate knowing your friends situation.
  2. On receiving the email you should be so sad that have hurt your friend and want to make amends.

I think you should apologise for saying that and making her feel sad. You should tell her how much you care for her daughter and you should avoid using that answer again.

Apologising isn't admitting intent we are not in a court of law. You are apologising for inadvertently hurting your friend.

salsmum · 02/04/2018 00:52

I'm sitting on the fence here and I think it's relevant to know how old your friends child with cerebral palsy is. If your friends child is 29 like my DD with cerebral Palsy then I'd say they are being quite over sensitive ... on the other hand if your friends child is quite young baby/toddler/newly diagnosed it may be that they are feeling really sensitive/vulnerable themselves. When I had my DD because she had CP and was born 3 months early our lives and that of my 4 year old DS revolved around hospital visits and the uncertainty of 'what will be wrong this week?' It was like living on a knifes edge and we had good days and bad days. One day I had my DD in her new specialised buggy and on the second day I took her out in it a couple of women shouted over to me at the shopping centre 'excuse me,where did ya get ya buggy from? I wouldn't mind one of them, I snapped back 'it's a hospital one,you can't 'buy' them! Later I felt really bad they weren't to know but clearly they'd caught me on a really stressful day (my DD also used to cry constantly). I think depending on what kind of day your friend had had with her baby/child and these other factors I've mentioned it clearly could have determined the way they/she viewed your comment. Please don't be harsh on your friend I think you are probably both feeling stressed atm. Have a meet up and buy her a coffee and stay friends.

YeahILoveSummer · 02/04/2018 01:48

Abouttoblow - in this situation I would probably say "I don't mind". Easter Biscuit

Woshambo · 02/04/2018 02:57

You are not in the wrong. "As long as it's healthy" is now a saying in its own right as so many people share the same opinion. Ur friend may be sensitive to this but it is clearly obvious that you have not said it to offend anyone.

People cannot live their life fearing of offending others'. If no offense is meant then just tell them and that should be the end of it.

As I said, most people I know have used the phrase you did and I think ur friend is too sensitive and is seeing digs in phrases that are not there.

Devonishome1 · 02/04/2018 03:34

I’m sure it’s something that everyone wishes for,no one would wish for an unhealthy baby. You did nothing wrong. They are being over sensitive. They probably said the same during their pregnancy.

BalthazarImpresario · 02/04/2018 03:42

See I always take 'as long as its healthy' as 'as long as they get here' and that's what I meant when asked re dc2 as we had lots of challenges with that pregnancy.

I would see them in person and explain what you meant. Seems that sensitivities (understandable ones) and miscommunication are what is at play here rather than any slur against their dc.

Earthmover · 02/04/2018 04:38

If the email had come from his wife, it may have held some credence.

Why any man would insert himself in the wife's friends circle of drama in such a manner is anyone's guess.
Sounds like a big pansy. Get your husband to reply. It'll most likely give him a few sleepless nights.

TheDowagerCuntess · 02/04/2018 04:59

Galadrielsring - I think you're taking the right approach.

Cut him out of the loop. He's irrelevant.

Contact your friend in a couple of days, and speak with her. I'm sure this will all be sorted out and put behind you immediately. No thanks to him.

I would be mortified if DH did something like this. What an embarrassing drama queen.

jellycat1 · 02/04/2018 07:00

I'm really surprised at people telling you to apologise. I'd go as far as to say this person's DH is attempting to bully you. It's completely ridiculous. They asked you (or were part of a group that did) what you wanted and you gave the answer that the vast majority of right thinking people would give. If you'd gone on to wax lyrical about how awful the alternative would be, then I'd understand their reaction, but apparently you didn't.
As a PP with CP herself commented, she considers herself healthy. She's alive. That's what any pregnant woman would mean. FFS. If the friend got pregnant again would she NOT wish for a healthy child? Do not be sucked into this drama.

CuriousMama · 02/04/2018 08:29

What an awful thing for him to so. Putting a pg lady under stress over a very common reply.

Have you contacted your friend?

CuriousMama · 02/04/2018 08:29

Do not so

PurpleDaisies · 02/04/2018 08:38

What an awful thing for him to so. Putting a pg lady under stress over a very common reply.

Oh fgs. Being pregnant is irrelevant to whether he was our of order or not. Pregnant women are not delicate little flowers that must not be upset under any circumstances.

I agree with fruitcorner, I can see why she was upset and I’m surprised more people can’t. That doesn’t mean the husband was right to send the email, and it sounds like there’s also more back story here.

user7680 · 02/04/2018 09:09

Everyone wishes for a healthy child and you gave a normal answer to the sex question. Just tell your friend that your sorry u didn’t mean to cause any harm. She’s definitely very sensitive given her situation

RiceBaby · 02/04/2018 09:40

I think you should apologise for the sake of the friendship.

Original poster
Galadrielsring · 02/04/2018 10:11

Ok so I don’t know what’s going on.

She just text me to confirm our plans for Thursday (outing with the kids and a pub lunch) with absolutely no reference to the email or what I said.

I’m guessing she doesn’t know about the email and her dh just sent it off his own back.

Do I mention it?

I’m a bit unsure whether to or not. On the one hand I’d be quite happy to forget it and just ignore him but on the other hand I don’t think I can sit looking her in the eye knowing that I’ve possibly upset her and she’s just putting on a brave face.

Arrgggh!

OP posts:
Oddcat · 02/04/2018 10:19

I'd have a chat face to face when you meet up . There could be an underlying problem in her marriage, which when she hears what her husband has done will sort of make more sense to you - he could be a controlling arse for example.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/04/2018 10:20

How close is the friend?. My instinct would be to go and see your friend (when the husband is not there as he seems too angry to engage with in any productive way) and make a face to face apology but I would keep the apology very brief (Of the I didn't mean to upset you type) and then focus on finding out how she is and if I could help in any way or offer support even if just a listening ear.

It sounds like she is not coping well at all and that would make me sad if she were a good friend.

If she is not someone close enough that you feel able to/want to help/ be supportive of then either ignore the email or send a quick apology along the lines of ' I am so sorry to have upset you. You weren't in any way thinking of her daughter when you made the comment. Maybe say how lovely her daughter is and leave it at that.)

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