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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cancelled dds party aibu?

154 replies

Glittered · 31/03/2018 19:20

So I feel really shitty.
It's dds 6th birthday tomorow. I always knew it would be awkward falling on Easter weekend so 2 weeks ago we sent invites out to 6 school friends plus 2 cousins
The party was supposed to be today at our house.
A few days after invites 2 friends said they are coming.
Since then another mum told me they will be away on holiday.
Then earlier this week her 2 cousins came down with chicken pox so that's them out.
The other 3 never got back to me.
I put my address and number on invites and asked for rsvp by 29th (last day of school)
So yesterday her dad and me felt it a bit pointless having a party for only dd and 2 friends
We offered to take dd to build a bear instead she was ok with this and I phoned the other 2 mums who said they are coming and said sorry but we are cancelling
They were fine about it and the one wants to meet up for a play date in the holidays
So then today we went out I got phone calls from the other 3 who were standing at my door but if just assumed weren't coming?
I feel awful.
I could literally cry but I'm also angry I mean how hard is it to just send a yes or no text???
Should I feel bad about this? Or is it on them??
I always rsvp.
If her cousins hadn't got chicken pox I would have had the party as that would at least be 5 kids coming
I didn't have the contact details for the parents who did not rsvp

OP posts:
PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 01/04/2018 18:47

The non-RSVP-ers were in the wrong, and I hope this is a strong lesson to them not to be so rude and ignorant in future. Turning up on your doorstep after not replying? what a bloody nerve. Fuck them.

You were quite right to cancel.

AJPTaylor · 01/04/2018 18:50

fwiw i never chase non rsvps
feck em frankly
i put on invites " if i dont hear by x date ill assume you cant come"
bizarrely over my 23 years as a parent the tech has meant its become easier over the years to rsvp but harder to get an answer out of people

CadyHeron · 01/04/2018 18:58

Well, tough titties, innit.
Sorry, but I HATE when people don't reply, it honestly doesn't take long!
Eldest's birthday is in the holidays, and the amount of people who never replied then just turned up, or said they were coming and then didn't was ridiculous when at primary school.
When it costs money per head at say a soft play and you need to confirm, flakes like that really mess things up or cost you money.
Serves them right,they might reply next time.

SofiaAmes · 01/04/2018 19:15

I occasionally forgot/forget to RSVP for a party, but never without a good reason. My ds has very serious medical issues and sometimes when you are just trying to keep your child alive, it may slip your mind to rsvp for your other child's party invite. I know that's an extreme reason, but not everyone is competent or capable at everything and some parents are just managing to keep it together getting their kids to school every day or getting food on the table. Or maybe they also have a child with medical etc. issues that is all consuming and it just slipped their mind to rsvp. I think it's really sad that there is so little compassion on Mumsnet for those parents who are not all-capable. I don't understand why you couldn't have made sure you got the contact information for all the parents and double checked with them. It was only 3 families.

SecondaryConfusion · 01/04/2018 19:16

The two mums who had to re-arrange would be lovely about it though, wouldn't they? They'd hard'ly say to OP's face that it's rude to cancel a party that their DD was looking forward to attending.

Downtroddenandrough · 01/04/2018 19:17

Rude of them. Not your fault.

CadyHeron · 01/04/2018 19:20

SofiaAmes - fair enough in your situation, but seriously, if you forget to reply, or won't say one way or another when asked like some do, you do see that if you turn up without saying you're coming you can't really be expected to be catered for?
The hosts aren't psychic.

LockedOutOfMN · 01/04/2018 19:27

Downtroddenandrough
Rude of them. Not your fault.

This. Don't worry, OP.

Next time, you could set the date for the party during term time and then you or DP might have a chance of chasing any non RSVPs in person at the school gates. (I know you can't help DD's birthday falling in the holidays).

It being school holidays now doesn't excuse them from not bothering to RSVP, however.

Hope DD had a fun time at Build A Bear.

pollymere · 01/04/2018 19:39

Get phone numbers and have the party when cousins are better.

Love51 · 01/04/2018 19:48

One mum once chased me down in the street - 'are you X's mum' (I am); long saga about the invitation slipping under the fridge. She had missed the rsvp date but I only used it to get ball park figures for food / party bag fillers. I was glad she tracked me down even if a few months later I can't remember which child she belonged to! 21 RSVPs, 24 party bags 27 attendees. 3 kids with a bag stuffed with sweets and maybe one toy I pinched from my own kids bags.

TheVanguardSix · 01/04/2018 19:53

Ah how difficult! My DD's birthday is April the 2nd and it's always so awkward with school hols and everything. I feel your plight!

I always invite via email, not actual invites to pop in the kids' bags at school. Email always works best, I feel.

Don't worry. What's done is done. Can you email? Is there a class list? Reschedule the party for mid-April.

HangingRock · 01/04/2018 19:54

I've had people reply last minute and apologise for not replying by the rsvp date and ask if they can still come. No problem. Not replying at all and still turning up = bloody rude and tough luck you'd gone out

profile22 · 01/04/2018 20:06

Nooooo don’t feel guilty at all. If they can call u when they’re standing outside your house, why couldn’t they call u to acc or the invitation? It’s completely their fault. Some other parents are complete weirdos! I don’t understand them. Anyone who has a party needs numbers! Hope u all enjoyed build a bear 👍

llangennith · 01/04/2018 20:23

YANBU

RebootYourEngine · 01/04/2018 20:36

Good on you. Not rsvping is rude. Not every school provides a class list and not every parent can do pick up and drop offs so a paper invite in a school bag is quite normal.

Original poster
Glittered · 01/04/2018 20:54

Still don't feel great about it.
Had a chat with dd earlier and asked her is she disappointed about her party and she laughed and said no coz I had a fun birthday anyway
Today we've had family over and done a nice dinner.
I think in future I will do what someone suggested and not put the party address until rsvp or say if no rsvp by xx date I'll assume your not coming
Or maybe I'll just fuck all that and go away for a treat weekend anyway

OP posts:
Tillybilly1 · 01/04/2018 21:58

I would have replied, "I thought I had put wrong number on invite as people didn't reply by date given so I cancelled".
I would not turn up to a party I had not rsvp'ed to, it's plain rude. Fair enough your lo loses it you forget etc but you don't then expect someone to have catered for you, done a party bag. You did the right thing for you, don't feel bad. I do kind of like that they ended up losing out, it might stop their behaviour in future.

jellyjellabi · 01/04/2018 23:29

Personally if I hadn’t rsvp’d to an invite then I wouldn’t take my child to the party. There’s no way I would just turn up - it’s rude and disrespectful imo. I guess if I had forgotten and remembered on the day I may consider phoning to check if it was ok for my child to still attend but even then I would feel that I was pushing my luck

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/04/2018 00:43

Instead of not providing the party address (which people may know or get from someone else) you could only send invitations by evite (or similar). That helps with knowing they got it, chasing, amending details, communication in general. If you don't have someone's email address send a note asking for it in order to send the invitation.

Deidre21 · 02/04/2018 07:21

Very rude of the others to not reply and then just show up, how idiotic of the parents. As people said, how do they expect you to plan for food, etc.
I always reply to invitations as it’s not difficult to look at a calendar and decide if my child is going or not going to a party and it is common courtesy.
I’ve not been in the position where an invitation had been missed as we always go though my child’s school bag each day after she gets home, removing any information from school that might have been sent home that day, to removing water bottles, etc. so that her bag is ready got the next day. I think if for some reason an invitation was missed/overlooked and my child/I didn’t reply I would apologise when I did find out even if we missed the party. Not sure why some people are rude and then would probably get upset if the same were to happen to them.
I would’ve taken the other two friends along to Build-a-bear.

Deidre21 · 02/04/2018 07:22

Agree with jellyjellabi

Fleshmechanic · 02/04/2018 13:01

Kind of all just seems like bad luck and timing. It's only a birthday though, she's gonna have many more so I wouldn't stress too much as long as she had a good time then whatever. And that's definitely a good lesson for the 3 parents to actually bother responding, who does that 🤔

Fleshmechanic · 02/04/2018 13:04

That's actually so smart as well to only not put the address so people have to ask. I'm gonna use that 😅

Original poster
Glittered · 02/04/2018 13:24

This is true it is only a birthday one of many more to come.
She herself is actually fine about it.
I've always RSVP but as I'm a shift worker sometimes I may not know what I am working so I always let the mum know yes we would love to come but can I get back to her by xx date as soon as I know my shifts
There's never a problem with that
I literally would never turn up to a party even if it was with a patent I talk to a lot. It's just naughty
And for the 3rd time no way was I ever going to take 3 kids to build a bear.
Ours cost around £40
Waited for 45 mins to get it stuffed etc with a fed up toddler in a pushchair so no I don't see why I have to take 2 other kids.
I do not feel obliged to and neither can I afford that 😮

OP posts:
Icanttakemuchmore · 02/04/2018 13:32

You can always reschedule for next week or week after. Tough on the ones that turned up and didn't rsvp. That's their fault. It may teach them a lesson to actually reply to invites in the future hopefully.