To think this is taking the piss?! Child maintenance related..

[coffeecoffeemorecoffee]

This was the first month since we split that he was meant to pay child maintenance. We split in July last year and every month since there has been an excuse such as Xmas is coming can we start it in jan? Then January rolls around and he remembers a time he paid for us all to leave an event early that cost £100's to get home, I would have stayed, it was him that couldn't cope with the kids but he said rather than pay him back i could just miss 2 months maintenance. Fast forward to today and he's said he can't bloody afford it and will pay double next time! I'm bloody angry, he works full time and lives with his mum paying minimal board!! I'm a single parent to two children, I go to work and then spend all my extra money on things the kids need! He has no bloody idea!! I'm trying to reply asking if he's taking the absolute piss but I need to say something don't I?!

I am sure he will be cross when he finds out he will have to pay up.
The first letter goes out within in the month from CSA. They then do collect arrears as well... So think of it as your Xmas bonus for this year..

You’ve been far too accommodating towards him for far too long imo.

Stop driving around for him. If he wants to see DC, let him pick them up (my exh doesn’t drive either, he gets a taxi too and fro). And as others have said, get in touch with CMS. Don’t accept any more excuses, he’s playing you for a fool.

Why do some men think paying for their children is optional!! Not being rude but your arrangement with him is too cosy!! It needs to be more business like, no one really wants it like that but you have no choice if one parent wont/carnt take responsibility.

Go to child maintenance you could do with out the worry. Stop helping him out regarding the children,, unfortunately you carnt force him to want to see them, if that the case rather sooner than later.
It appears that some men regardless of their faults of being a husband/partner step up to the mark with their children. Other men (like my stbxh just loose interest and only want the easy part of parenting.

You care too much what he thinks of you when it matters not a jot. So it’s awkward, embrace it! Make him feel awkward he is an embarrassment of a father and should not be pandered to. Do not try to smooth things out. When he tries to engage you about it do the gray rock method of communication (google it). Collect your child and leave the money to the professional agency.

Go to CMS and don’t listen to the sob stories, he is selfish and putting himself first. Remember cms takes off the minimum a father should be paying.

People can only behave in appalling ways when others enable them to do so. His relationship/time with his children is HIS responsibility, not yours, as is paying maintenance. Why are you bending over backwards to make his life as easy as possible while making your own as difficult as can be?

What a twat. Definitely CMS-do it for the kids if not for yourself

I had a deadbeat ex that came up with excuses not to pay for the kids. I went through CSA as it was then. I had made arrangements, he broke them and so it continued. They took him to court twice. First time for 8 grand, then 11 grand. My oldest daughter was 23 before I got all my arrears.
Keep going and don't listen to his excuses

That is truly appalling Susanne but at least they made the deadbeat shit dad pay up in the end.

Take it from someone who's had 15 years of very similar shit.

Cms - asap NO more hesitation he's had 8 bloody months to get his arse in gear!

Stop facilitating contact. I wish I hadn't been so accommodating on this because if he's going to vanish out the DC's lives cos he can't be arsed being a dad on this score - better for DC and you the sooner you know.

He's not doing overnights so can't be living far from you so absolutely no reason he can't at the VERY LEAST collect them from yours.

Echoing pps in saying you really need therapy, assertiveness training, freedom programme - whatever it takes to get you to stop giving a damn what he thinks and letting him run the show. The DC are the priority.

Also seconding

"I feel like a shit dad"

"That's because you ARE a shit dad - change it!"

LizzieDarcy it's not only people who allow others to treat them like crap. It can also be systems and governments. There are no real sanctions for depriving your children of the necessary financial support. There are multiple ways to avoid it. Society doesn't even view these people as scum, on the whole. In the USA, child maintenance arrears can prevent you from getting a passport, driving license or passing credit checks for a mortgage. They seem like good sanctions to me.

Susanne - doesn't surprise me. My ex was in army until quite recently and yet csa STILL pissed about. I ended up getting my MP involved. That shifted them!

Cms have proven a bit better they're currently chasing arrears for me from when it was under csa.

He said to them when they said they'd get a DOE he'd just quit work - cms went "crack on - your pension covers it anyway you won't see a penny of it if you do"

And no he's not skint despite his claims. Has had 5 more DC with 2nd wife they've bought a 4 bed detached huge house in SE nice car each, regular expensive holidays for whole family etc etc - hasn't seen dd for years, barely even phones her.

There ARE sanctions to be fair the problem is they aren't applied! About time they were (and more).

Cms can go for liability orders, driving disqualification and even 6 week prison sentence.

Trouble is I've NEVER heard of that (either personally or in news) happening and it SHOULD be! Take their cars, phones, games consoles, bet they'd soon bloody pay then!

@Graphista I think you may be right in that I need therapy. Just don't know what sort or what it is that I actually need.

When I went to pick the kids up the other day he had gone full circle and acted like the conversation we had at drop off never even happened!!!

Did you contact CMS today?

Contact the CMS but do not I repeat do not tell him what you’ve done .
Play your cards close to your chest . He needs to step up . Good luck x

OP - don't let his behaviour suck you back in. My ex blows hot and cold and is so self-serving that i trust not a word that comes out of his mouth.

If hes being nice, I become wary. Always.

Took me years and a nervous breakdown to pluck up the courage to assert to him that he was a manipulative controlling abusive bastard.

He denies it of course and wheels out the charm. He forgets i can see right through him and he doesn't frighten me anymore.

Good luck and go straight to CMS - he cant be trusted to be reasonable, and has proven that by his actions. I've had to go to a solicitor to get a marital arrangement in place because he did nothing to work towards a resolution with me.

ive given up on him ever changing his ways tbh

It was meant kindly by the way because it's bloody stressful dealing with these arses and you need the support and tools to act assertively.

If hes being nice, I become wary. Always.

I know this feeling SO well even dd asks what he's after if he's all "butter wouldn't melt" now

Go for it coffee. Iet him suffer and think of the kids...