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Original poster

To think this is taking the piss?! Child maintenance related..

144 replies

coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 31/03/2018 16:40

This was the first month since we split that he was meant to pay child maintenance. We split in July last year and every month since there has been an excuse such as Xmas is coming can we start it in jan? Then January rolls around and he remembers a time he paid for us all to leave an event early that cost £100's to get home, I would have stayed, it was him that couldn't cope with the kids but he said rather than pay him back i could just miss 2 months maintenance. Fast forward to today and he's said he can't bloody afford it and will pay double next time! I'm bloody angry, he works full time and lives with his mum paying minimal board!! I'm a single parent to two children, I go to work and then spend all my extra money on things the kids need! He has no bloody idea!! I'm trying to reply asking if he's taking the absolute piss but I need to say something don't I?! Angry

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 31/03/2018 22:10

Just be aware that Cms isn't a quick fix. I applied in January and even though ex agreed for them to take direct payments I still haven't recieved a penny. So no point waiting around giving him ultimatums.

DarkPeakScouter · 31/03/2018 22:17

Cms no discussion he’s controlling you with this

RebootYourEngine · 31/03/2018 22:23

CMS were quite slow at setting up my arrangement, taken about 4 months. So do not hesitate and phone them when they reopen. He sounds like the type of person who will have an excuse for everything.
Ignore and dont engage with him, if he asks if you got his message say 'yes' and change the subject. There is no point discussing it with him.

Eveforever · 31/03/2018 22:49

My friend's ex told her the maintenance he paid for his child was a goodwill gesture. Not sure how he could call it a gesture of any kind given that he had decided he didn't need to pay it.

It's probably not that he doesn't have money, it's more likely that he doesn't have money that he wants to give to you! My ex has been terrible since he moved in with his new girlfriend, paying for her and her three children is more important than paying for his own child. Out of sight, out of mind perhaps.

bonnyshide · 31/03/2018 22:55

He hasn't paid in 8 months and yet the DC are well fed, clothed, housed and looked after. You even have petrol money to drop them off and pick them up and drive around to settle the youngest....he's thinking why bother when it's all under control.

Time to take action.

Original poster
coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 01/04/2018 08:51

You're all spot on. I'm being taken for a right fool, I only did it to help him out but can't keep doing it. Dreading dropping them off today, can't be doing with the awkwardness

OP posts:
GnotherGnu · 01/04/2018 09:38

I'd be tempted to spell out the truth to his family even if it would achieve nothing - at least it might tarnish their image of him as the wonderful dad.

Inertia · 01/04/2018 09:46

Stop letting his strops prevent you doing what’s best for the children. They have the right to be provided for by both parents, he won’t provide willingly, so you’ll need to go through CMS. Don’t bother with ultimatums, just get the ball rolling so no more time is wasted.

No point having a conversation with his family unless it’s to correct them if they make a comment to you - if they intended to be supportive they would have done so by now.

bastardkitty · 01/04/2018 10:02

He should be embarrassed and awkward, not you. He's obviously bullied and controlled you for a long time. I really would encourage you to get some specialist counselling or do the Freedom programme. He isn't going to stop being a cunt and you need to learn to stop walking on eggshells around him. It's also important that your DCs don't just learn to be intimidated by him and to dance to his tune. Maybe it would be a good thing if contact reduced because you don't do all the leg work.

Booboobooboo84 · 01/04/2018 10:25

‘Did you get you get the message?’
‘Yes I did’
‘Is that ok?’
‘No I can’t afford it.’
When you collect.
‘I can’t afford any more drop off and collections due to being short as your are 8 months behind with child manintence. Cms will be in touch. Bye’

Jenny17 · 01/04/2018 10:33

He doesn’t need “helping” out. He needs to pay for his children. No I’m short because of Christmas. There should not be any Christmas for him unless he has paid support for his children. People have gone hungry, gone without just to make sure their children do not.

No more excuses. Don’t be happy if he pays for one month. He needs to pay regularly. You need to go to CMS ASAP they will help.

Oh and really he should pick of the children when he wants to see them, you can bring them back to you. You are not a taxi service for your ex.

Good luck. Don’t worry about things just contact CMS and let them take control. It’s important you contact CMS now to nip it in the bud and stop the messing around. Do not drop for any reason just remember the 8 months of messing around is always around the corner if you don’t use CMS.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2018 10:38

I would say (if maintenance is being paid) the fair arrangement on transport is you both collect. So he does the outward trip and you do the return. Is there a risk of him keeping the children otherwise?

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 01/04/2018 10:41

CMS as others have said. My ex was like yours and now has the best part of 5k in arrears that they're now legally enforcing him to pay. Tell him that's the other option...

bastardkitty · 01/04/2018 11:06

I wouldn't tell him anything. If he had half a brain he would know this is the only logical step OP can take. If he asks if it's okay for him not to pay I would say no it's not. If he asks what OP is going to do about it I think the only answer to give is 'it will have to be done through formal channels now'. He will probably shit himself and make one payment. And OP should stick with CMS irrespective of that.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2018 12:38

Get him to pay via the CMS, too - it'll be worth 4p in the pound to know that you will get the money.

They won't twat about with his pathetic excuses . . .

bastardkitty · 01/04/2018 12:43

It only costs 4% if they collect it from him. If he pays what he's told without having to be forced, then the only charge is the initial £20 paid by the person who brings the claim. I would support a publicly searchable database for people who have to be forced to provide the legal minimum financial support for their children.

category12 · 01/04/2018 13:45

I think she has to go for the CMS collecting option, 4% or no, he's demonstrated for months he won't pay if it's left up to him.

WowLookAtYou · 01/04/2018 13:51

If he asks you if you got his message and is that OK, you tell him that yes you did, it's not OK and you will discuss at another time.

NapQueen · 01/04/2018 13:55

Id say to him "due to the lack of child maintenance I am unable to purchase fuel for the car. As such I am not able to drop or collect dd. She will be ready in her puschair at 10am for you to collect from mine."

bastardkitty · 01/04/2018 14:13

I don't think you can go straight to collect and pay. I think you have to try direct pay first.

RandomMess · 01/04/2018 14:21

Yep only reason why you've got on well is because you are dancing to his tune!

Original poster
coffeecoffeemorecoffee · 01/04/2018 14:32

Well I dropped them off and as predicted got asked "is everything alright? Are you ok with me?" I told him it takes the piss a bit and that it's not easy providing for them solo to which he told me that I'm not the only person that has to budget their money, I've made him feel like a shit dad and that he can't give me money he doesn't have! I didn't demand any money, if he's got no money he's got no money. He also said he "knew it'd be about the money" he makes out like I'm a gold digger or something!!! It ended on bad terms so we are no longer getting along, it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 01/04/2018 14:35

coffee, do it now because the longer you wait, the more you set a precedence and the harder it will be to do it. Like you, I fell for my ex excuses month on month. Each time I was stressed reminding him and each time, he would get angry, saying he wanted to pay but...

I should have gone to the csa there and then, but I felt sorry for him. I knew he had debts and I was worried that the pressure of paying via csa would stress and depress him even more and that would then impact directly on the kids.

He then lost his job, then was only working cash in end, then self-employed so I knew he would fudge his income. In the end, I got enough of the stress of asking him for anything and found it easier to accept I would get nothing. Like you, I picked them and dropped the children and when they got older paid for the train fare every week-end for them to see him.

They are now older teenagers. Part of me wished I'd done it from the start, the other is proud that I did it without him and made it better for the kids. They know he never paid maintenance and appreciate what I've done for them.

category12 · 01/04/2018 14:37

Thing is, he's treating child support as an optional expense and it isn't. It's a legal obligation and he should be treating it as part of his necessary monthly bills and factor it into his budget. (I daresay he's shite with those too, but that's not your problem).

He is a shit dad if he thinks "being skint" means he shouldn't have to pay for his kids. If he's working and lives with mummy, then I guess his leisure time is coming way above the kids. Fuckwit.

SecondaryConfusion · 01/04/2018 14:39

I might have missed it, buy why can't you go through the CMS?

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