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AIBU?

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Original poster

Concerned about lodger in my ex's house... with my kids

113 replies

RoseNarene · 29/03/2018 11:21

I'll give you the short version.

The house my ex lives in is jointly owned by me. We are currently going through court to sort this out. He has a lodger because he can't afford the mortgage on his own. I have no issue with him taking a lodger as it's in my interest for the mortgage to get paid.

However, I know nothing of this lodger except his first name. My ex and I are on very bad terms so when I asked for more info he ignored me. I asked him to get a DBS check done on him but he said no. He said he had a "fit and proper person" check done due to his job but didn't provide details when I asked. He says he knows this guy from work but he never mentioned his name when we were together and he lied to me about how he met a previous lodger (who had a DBS so I wasn't worried about) so I can't trust what he says. The room he is letting out has been advertised online so this lodger could be anyone for all I know.

All my attempts to find out more have been ignored. He won't even tell me his last name.

My children spend 5 overnights a fortnight at this house with this unknown lodger, and I know from my eldest daughter (who is 5) that he does interact with my kids and play with them etc, which I'm not happy about, but haven't said anything.

It's not that I'm certain this guy is a danger to my girls but I am very unsettled with him having potentially unrestricted and unsupervised access to my children.

AIBU to want to know more about him and to get the relevant checks done to keep my girls safe? Since he won't give me any info about him what do I do?

OP posts:
Aprilmightmemynewname · 29/03/2018 11:25

Would checks have been done for him to get the job he has? Dbs only shows if you have a conviction not that you may be unsuitable just not proved anyway. Unfortunately you have to trust your exh judgement. I have been through a nasty court case with my ex and couldn't have info on his gf though he got the OK on my bf. Unfair. Have the stranger danger /pants rule talks with dc if he makes you more in control. It's bloody hard I know.

HollyBayTree · 29/03/2018 11:27

What do you think a DBS check will do ? Its like saying no scout leader or teacher has ever been convicted of child sexual offences. How do you think a DBS check prevents danger? I think you are massively over stepping many boundaries with this.

Your relationship with your ex is accrimonious and you're just looking for a stick to prod the wasps nest.

Original poster
RoseNarene · 29/03/2018 11:37

HollyBayTree I am certainly not looking for a stick. I'm just worried about a stranger having unsupervised and unrestricted access to my children. The DBS thing was recommended by my solicitor last year which is why I asked for it on his previous lodger. It certainly gave me a bit more peace of mind.

OP posts:
Fattymcfaterson · 29/03/2018 11:45

I think you may be being slightly unreasonable.
Do you demand dbs checks on others your DC spend time with? They will eventually go round friends houses without you etc. Will you want the same for other parents?
I think you need to trust the the DC dad also has their best interests at heart.

trickyex · 29/03/2018 11:45

I understand your concern, I would feel the same with my DCs.
How about trying to engineer a meeting with the lodger, do you do any pick ups/drop offs?
I know its very hard when a split is acrimonious but if you can try and rise above his behaviour and do your very best for your kids in terms of trying to co-exist with your ex that might make things a little easier.
Easier said than done I know....

Batmanwearspants · 29/03/2018 11:46

I think a DBS check is sensible.

Yes its not preventative. But if something did happen, and it turns out a previous conviction would have shown on a DBS then you'd all be kicking yourself.

Rawhh · 29/03/2018 12:31

To be perfectly honest a Google will give you as much info as a DBS check nowadays. The moment anyone has any unsavoury involvement with a child they are plastered all over the web.

I found out things about a Candidate before via this method that didn't show on a DBS check.

Mooey89 · 29/03/2018 12:44

I went to court last year over contact for my dS with my ex.
A whole load of issues - DV, mental health, emotional abuse to the oldest child (not my child), and I raised the fact that he has an unknown to me male lodger.

Court absolutely not one bit interested. Said he shouldn’t be left in charge of children but who can police that anyway?

5foot5 · 29/03/2018 12:44

I think you need to trust the the DC dad also has their best interests at heart.

^This

childmindingmumof3 · 29/03/2018 12:49

Unfortunately you just have to trust that as their dad he will look after them - ultimately he can introduce them to any friends, girlfriends, lodgers, babysitters that he wants to, as can you.

PuntCuffin · 29/03/2018 12:51

If/when your ex gets a new partner, who will presumably be female, you will have no right to demand DBS checks, background information etc. He can bring any number of them into your children's lives, move them in etc. Unfortunately, this is no different.

I assume your primary concern is that the lodger is male. Would you be raising the same objections about a female lodger? If not, why not?

Urubu · 29/03/2018 13:00

That must be really difficult OP, I would have the same concerns as you.

Maybe think about it this way, if you get a boyfriend and he spends the night at yours, would you ask him for a DBS and provide your ex will the info you are asking for about his lodger?
I think you have to accept that the DC are not only yours and ex is allowed to make decisions for them when they are with him.
Easier said than done of course...

Original poster
RoseNarene · 29/03/2018 13:16

Of course I don't have an issue with people who are introduced to my children. My issue is that this man has unrestricted and unsupervised access to my children overnight.

The previous lodger was a female, and she had a full DBS on account of being a psychology student, plus I actually met her (albeit accidentally).

He won't introduce me to this guy either. He doesn't respond to any of my concerns. He ignores me. Just like he did when I asked him to stop dressing our 5 year old in age 2-3 clothes. The only time he communicates is when he wants something.

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 29/03/2018 13:25

Do you think all strangers are going to molest your kids?

PuntCuffin · 29/03/2018 13:28

Why would the lodger be having unsupervised access? Surely your ex is there?

Batmanwearspants · 29/03/2018 13:29

This isn’t just a stranger. This is a man who by all accounts op’s ex has only just met and so knows nothing about, who will have access to the ops children overnight.

It is common sense to get a DBS check. Just as it would be common sense for a landlord to ask for an employment reference.

Batmanwearspants · 29/03/2018 13:30

punt because they stay overnight? Her ex isn’t going to be watching the children or the lodger whilst either are sleeping. Plenty of opportunity for unsupervised access if the lodger decides.

SilverBirchTree · 29/03/2018 13:37

OP, I think you’re getting some unfair and harsh responses here.

This would definitely concern me. I would not want an unknown man living with my children.

The last statistic I heard was that 1/9 girls are sexually abused before they turn 18. And usually it’s by a man who is trusted by the family.

That’s not to say this guy is dangerous, just that I think your ex DH should treat your concerns with respect and tell you what he is doing in terms of supervision etc to ensure the children are safe when in his care.

lalalalyra · 29/03/2018 13:56

A DBS check can only be done by an employer so your ex can't have one done on his lodger. your ex would have to ask the lodger to have a basic check done himself and then to let your ex see it.

Is he in a job that would require a DBS? They won't let your ex see it (there's actually strict rules about who has access to DBS checks, even though lots of businesses flout them), but if you know he'd need it then you know it must have been ok on the day that it was printed.

Mightymucks · 29/03/2018 14:06

You can ask the police to disclose under Sarah’s Law if he has any child sex offences.
www.nspcc.org.uk/services-and-resources/research-and-resources/factsheet-and-briefings/child-sex-offender-disclosure-scheme/

You could also ask about DV convictions under Clare’s Law but that may not be accepted.

If you do either of those things it’s quite possible (but not guaranteed) that the police will tell you or your partner if there is any other risk to your children they are aware of (drugs, etc).

Aside from that you have to trust your ex to supervise.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/03/2018 14:17

For crying out loud, how come we can accept that not all parents do have the real best interests of their children at heart or may be misguided and that can cause a welfare issue but the second it comes to a separated dad giving a total stranger unsupervised and unrestricted access to his kids you can’t raise an eyebrow because he’s dad which makes all his decisions perfect and OMG not every man is a sex offender.

kubex · 29/03/2018 14:31

Your relationship with your ex is accrimonious and you're just looking for a stick to prod the wasps nest

^^ This!

ClaryFray · 29/03/2018 14:55

You can't DBS check someone who lives in your house. You need specific reasons to run a DBS, and to be honest, to you as his land lord his criminal record is none of your concern.

He isn't being left alone with your children, or expected to look after them. YABU

SweetMoon · 29/03/2018 15:05

I think a dbs check is sensible and if the lodger has nothing to hide he really won't mind. Can you offer to pay for it?

I know people say trust your exs judgement but we've all seen stories in the past about people taking on jobs before their dbs check is done only to molest a child and later find out a Dbs check would've prevented them getting the job. So if he has access to your children unsupervised I don't see you are being unreasonable

JustVent · 29/03/2018 15:08

Why on earth would you expect the lodger to play with your children?!

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