Concerned about lodger in my ex's house... with my kids

[RoseNarene]

I'll give you the short version.

The house my ex lives in is jointly owned by me. We are currently going through court to sort this out. He has a lodger because he can't afford the mortgage on his own. I have no issue with him taking a lodger as it's in my interest for the mortgage to get paid.

However, I know nothing of this lodger except his first name. My ex and I are on very bad terms so when I asked for more info he ignored me. I asked him to get a DBS check done on him but he said no. He said he had a "fit and proper person" check done due to his job but didn't provide details when I asked. He says he knows this guy from work but he never mentioned his name when we were together and he lied to me about how he met a previous lodger (who had a DBS so I wasn't worried about) so I can't trust what he says. The room he is letting out has been advertised online so this lodger could be anyone for all I know.

All my attempts to find out more have been ignored. He won't even tell me his last name.

My children spend 5 overnights a fortnight at this house with this unknown lodger, and I know from my eldest daughter (who is 5) that he does interact with my kids and play with them etc, which I'm not happy about, but haven't said anything.

It's not that I'm certain this guy is a danger to my girls but I am very unsettled with him having potentially unrestricted and unsupervised access to my children.

AIBU to want to know more about him and to get the relevant checks done to keep my girls safe? Since he won't give me any info about him what do I do?

I've been telling him for sell the house for the last 7/8 months but he won't and I can't do it without him.

Yes you can.... you'll need to apply to a court for an "order for sale"

www.genuinepropertybuyers.co.uk/court-order-to-sell-house/

www.theguardian.com/money/2007/feb/07/expertsproperty.property1

Why do people keep saying the op should get a DBS check on this guy. She can not do this! Neither can her ex. They are not his employers/in charge of him volunteering etc with children. They have no way or right to get one. They can ask the police under Sarahs law, it is then up to the police to decide.

If the man is in a financial services role, or more commonly now any professional role, they will have done a background check but even then his employer can not just give this information out. Its is, rightfully, confidential however chances are he wouldn't be in the job! We all had very detailed checks at work, criminal records, employment history, spending/credit history etc and my employer was very thorough in stating how this information will be stored etc.

Yes the op may have concerns, I don't agree with her but can kind of see why she's in a flap due to the bad relationship with her ex. Her concerns do not allow her to get a dbs check, her ex to get a dbs check. It is not possible.

The DBS now offer basic checks which anyone can get . It would cost lodger £25 then it would be up to him whether he showed it to the op.

I do think the lodger getting a DBS is waste of time.

If the lodger was on the sex offenders register re offences with children then it would be unlikely that he would not be able to be staying in accommodation with other people's children.

If op is determined to find out who the lodger is then pay a private investigator.

If op is determined to find out who the lodger is then pay a private investigator.

This forum goes from the sublime to the ridiculous at times

The OP wants to find out more about this lodger. Her DH won't tell her.
People pay private investigators. What is so ridiculous about that suggestion ?

I do think the lodger getting a DBS is waste of time.

I know you meant "The lodger cannot get a DBS, that is impossible"

I wish people would drop that altogether. There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO possibility of that happening!

www.gov.uk/government/publications/basic-checks

As I said the lodger could get a DBS Basic check. Only if they want to.

To get a DBS basic check you do not have to work/ volunteer with children or adults at risk.

With regard to the sale of the house, I already have a court date for a financial order so it's happening. I had to wait for him to mess about with the mediation service to get my paperwork. He delayed it for as long as he could.

curiousaboutsapphire no, I haven't been looking for signs, but I have kept an eye out for signs because there is a stranger living in my house and that would be the sensible thing to do.

And for the record, everything I have done since day 1 has been to be free and independent of him, but he has delayed every process. Nothing is ever simple with him. Everything he does is to punish me for leaving for him. I am already concentrating my efforts on the financial order; just because I posted one topic here about my concerns about the lodger doesn't mean it's the only thing I'm focussed on right now, or even the biggest.

Dungeon because I'm that kind of person. I would understand the concerns as a mother and as a teacher. And from a totally selfish perspective, I wouldn't want him to have anything to hold over me. I didn't used to think like that - to preempt his every move and to worry about what he would do or how he would use things I've done / said against me - but I have learnt the hard way that that's exactly what I have to do.

RoseNarene I wasn't questioning whether you would reassure him. I was questioning why he would reassure you given that you are on very bad terms and from what you say he is clearly very angry with you. He has told you that the lodger is someone he works with and that a "fit and proper person" check will have been done on him. Why would he want to provide further information so that you can check whether he is telling you the truth and feel more reassured? He may understand your concerns but that doesn't mean he cares about them.

OP, I assume that your ExH loves his daughters? Regardless of your obvious animosity towards one another, do you really believe that he would take any old person into his home if he felt at all uncomfortable with them or that his children were at risk? Presumably he wants to protect and look after them too?