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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Concerned about lodger in my ex's house... with my kids

113 replies

RoseNarene · 29/03/2018 11:21

I'll give you the short version.

The house my ex lives in is jointly owned by me. We are currently going through court to sort this out. He has a lodger because he can't afford the mortgage on his own. I have no issue with him taking a lodger as it's in my interest for the mortgage to get paid.

However, I know nothing of this lodger except his first name. My ex and I are on very bad terms so when I asked for more info he ignored me. I asked him to get a DBS check done on him but he said no. He said he had a "fit and proper person" check done due to his job but didn't provide details when I asked. He says he knows this guy from work but he never mentioned his name when we were together and he lied to me about how he met a previous lodger (who had a DBS so I wasn't worried about) so I can't trust what he says. The room he is letting out has been advertised online so this lodger could be anyone for all I know.

All my attempts to find out more have been ignored. He won't even tell me his last name.

My children spend 5 overnights a fortnight at this house with this unknown lodger, and I know from my eldest daughter (who is 5) that he does interact with my kids and play with them etc, which I'm not happy about, but haven't said anything.

It's not that I'm certain this guy is a danger to my girls but I am very unsettled with him having potentially unrestricted and unsupervised access to my children.

AIBU to want to know more about him and to get the relevant checks done to keep my girls safe? Since he won't give me any info about him what do I do?

OP posts:
fabulous01 · 29/03/2018 21:39

I would be worried too
Always trust your instincts. Better to be wrong than not to have bothered

ChickenMom · 30/03/2018 01:10

I’d feel exactly the same as you OP. Do the Sarah’s law check, your little ones are your responsibility and any worrying/checking is utterly normal and wise in my opinion. Screw the whole “he’s their dad and should be trusted” whining. Don’t care. My sisters ex decided it would be “fun” to dangle their 5 year old over the edge of an escalator. Not everybody has common sense.

newdaylight · 30/03/2018 01:26

Yanbu.

To be perfectly honest a Google will give you as much info as a DBS check nowadays.*
That's not quite true. Not all such convictions are well publicised at all and dbs sometimes includes incidents for such there were no convictions.
Besides, OP doesn't know the person's name

Aridane · 30/03/2018 15:40

OP - I asked earlier if ex’s lodger works in financial services. If he does and it’s that fit and proper test ex is referring to, then, yes, that includes a criminal records check.

As others have said, absent an employer or voluntary work relationship, you can’t just run criminal records,checks on randoms

Original poster
RoseNarene · 30/03/2018 16:12

Well, according to Sarah's Law, yes I can check. But only offences related to children.

My ex said he works in financial services but like I said, he is a habitual liar. He said he knew the first lodger but it turned out she had responded to an ad online.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 31/03/2018 10:30

Sarah's Law allows you to request a disclosure, which you would have to keep confidential and only use to protect your children. The police do not have to make that disclosure - it is only if it is in the public interest (safeguarding the child). So ask.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2018 11:22

Just to be pedantic:

You really can NOT ask for a DBS check They are for employers, not individuals.

If you really don't trust your ex then you will have to find another way to vet his lodger!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 31/03/2018 11:23

Sorry, I meant to include a useful link, as your ex has some legal obligations he may have neglected Blush

www.spareroom.co.uk/content/info-landlords/lodger-screening/

NewYearNewMe18 · 31/03/2018 11:24

My sisters ex decided it would be “fun” to dangle their 5 year old over the edge of an escalator

How would a DBS check have prevented this?

Again, as has been said repeatedly a DBS is for employers NOT personal use.

Dungeondragon15 · 31/03/2018 11:32

It would be a good idea to use Sarah's law if possible but after that OP can do nothing but appeal to her ex for more information about the lodger to put her mind at rest. If they are on "very bad terms" perhaps this is what needs to change as otherwise even if he has taken sensible precautions he won't bother to make OP feel better by telling her about them.

notapizzaeater · 31/03/2018 11:40

You cannot ask for a dbs check on every person the kids are going to meet. A dbs doesn't mean they are clean, it means they've not been caught ! What will you do when the kids go on scout/guide sleepovers - they will be with strangers.

As long as your dh is with them that's all you can do. There's nothing to stop him bringing home different friends every night to sleep over.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2018 12:41

It is my understanding that scout leaders and adults assisting with professional kids activities have to have a dbs,

Pengggwn · 31/03/2018 12:51

Yes, you have to be DBS checked to volunteer on a regular basis with children, under the safeguarding obligations of most charities and institutions.

Irrelevant in this case, sadly.

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 13:10

AIBU is a terrible forum for this kind of issue, just saying. Usually absolutely awful.

How about focusing on your issues with their DF, such as him lying to you, being untrustworthy and neglecting his kids by stuffing them into clothing for toddlers? Including the fact that he won't let you meet the lodger who is living in his house to me that's enough cause to stop overnights for now.

TwiceAsNice22 · 31/03/2018 13:11

Yanbu. I am absolutely shocked at some of the responses on here. Your children are very young and vulnerable, you are not asking anything unreasonable of your ex. Unfortunately lots of children are abused. I really wonder if all the people saying you are being unreasonable would be happy with their toddlers in the same situation. I highly doubt it.

My ex has roommates and that is one of the reasons that my (very young) children do not have overnights with him. Personally, I do not think it is an appropriate environment for young children to be sleeping in a share house.

Dungeondragon15 · 31/03/2018 13:18

How about focusing on your issues with their DF, such as him lying to you, being untrustworthy and neglecting his kids by stuffing them into clothing for toddlers? Including the fact that he won't let you meet the lodger who is living in his house to me that's enough cause to stop overnights for now.

I don't think she has the right to "stop overnights" and I imagine going down that route could cause further acrimony which would make it even less likely that OP will be able to get her ex to co-operate. He doesn't have to let her meet the lodger and he doesn't have to let her know what safeguarding (if any) he has in place. If the courts get involved because she is restricting access things I doubt that things will end well for her.

iBiscuit · 31/03/2018 13:20

Abusers actively seek out situations like this - too bloody right I'd be concerned.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/03/2018 13:22

RoseNarene
People keep bringing up the issue of new partners and that I won't be able to get them DBS checked etc - but tbh, a new boyfriend / girlfriend is usually someone you've gotten to know and trust before you start sleeping over and introducing them to the kids etc.

And yet your new partner (when you/if you get one) is statistically the most likely to abuse your child.

Dungeondragon15 · 31/03/2018 13:29

And yet your new partner (when you/if you get one) is statistically the most likely to abuse your child.

Exactly. I am sure that many men feel exactly the same as OP when the mother of their children has a new boyfriend and sometimes with good reason. Ultimately though people do not have the right to dictate who sleeps in their exes house so the best thing is to keep on good terms so that your ex is inclined to let you meet their partner/lodger etc

Addy2 · 31/03/2018 19:54

Forgive me if I I'm wrong, but since you legally own half the house, don't you have a say in who rents part of it?

GreenVoyage · 31/03/2018 20:02

I don't understand how people are fine once they see a DBS. A DBS is nothing and doesn't make someone any safer! Tens of thousands of peadofiles would pass a DBS because they haven't been caught! That's all a DBS is.

Penfold007 · 31/03/2018 20:16

Why aren't you paying your share of the mortgage?

andyandapril · 31/03/2018 20:22

Of course you are worried. I would be too. Can’t believe how judgemental and unfeeling people are being on this thread. OP is looking for advice. Sorry OP not sure what you would be able to do about this though. Not send them?

RebeccaBunchLawyer · 31/03/2018 21:53

Why are you assuming the lodger is a possible danger to your kids?

If the children are with the father surely it’s up to him to entertain them/be with them during their visit with him, surely the lodger wouldn’t be with them alone?

If you do request a DBS, please be aware that the lodger may want to move out as they don’t feel trusted. You must be respectful when asking them about a check and give a vague reason as to why, NOT because you are concerned about your kids in danger when the lodger is there.

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 22:18

Why are you assuming the lodger is a possible danger to your kids?

Because that is the healthy and normal response for a parent. The OP is expected to be easy breezy about her dd's sleeping in a room presumably with unlocked door next to a man she doesn't know. Heaven forbid, but if something did happen the first thing people would ask is "Where was the mother? Why did she allow her children to live in a house with this man? Did she even meet him?"

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