Concerned about lodger in my ex's house... with my kids

[RoseNarene]

I'll give you the short version.

The house my ex lives in is jointly owned by me. We are currently going through court to sort this out. He has a lodger because he can't afford the mortgage on his own. I have no issue with him taking a lodger as it's in my interest for the mortgage to get paid.

However, I know nothing of this lodger except his first name. My ex and I are on very bad terms so when I asked for more info he ignored me. I asked him to get a DBS check done on him but he said no. He said he had a "fit and proper person" check done due to his job but didn't provide details when I asked. He says he knows this guy from work but he never mentioned his name when we were together and he lied to me about how he met a previous lodger (who had a DBS so I wasn't worried about) so I can't trust what he says. The room he is letting out has been advertised online so this lodger could be anyone for all I know.

All my attempts to find out more have been ignored. He won't even tell me his last name.

My children spend 5 overnights a fortnight at this house with this unknown lodger, and I know from my eldest daughter (who is 5) that he does interact with my kids and play with them etc, which I'm not happy about, but haven't said anything.

It's not that I'm certain this guy is a danger to my girls but I am very unsettled with him having potentially unrestricted and unsupervised access to my children.

AIBU to want to know more about him and to get the relevant checks done to keep my girls safe? Since he won't give me any info about him what do I do?

Well op in your shoes I would utterly hate that,and be very worried indeed.but I really can't see what you can do about it..💐

You can't ask a lodger for a DBS check.

I do think you are being somewhat ridiculous - sorry.

Does your ex work in financial services - if so, he's be referring to the 'fit and proper' vetting which also deals with criminal convictions

Bet you would not like your ex demending dbs checks for any lodgers / partners you have moving in.

OP I think you're getting some unfair and ridiculous responses on here.

I'd be very worried about this too. Could you speak with you solicitor and see what they advise? Or the nspcc? I'm sure you're not the first person who has faced this issue. YANBU.

I'd tell him your not prepared to let the kids sleepover unless he complies to checks

People keep bringing up the issue of new partners and that I won't be able to get them DBS checked etc - but tbh, a new boyfriend / girlfriend is usually someone you've gotten to know and trust before you start sleeping over and introducing them to the kids etc. In fact, I know the first girlfriend never met my kids and the current one hasn't yet.

But this lodger could be anyone who responded to a spare room ad and suddenly has access to my girls regardless of how well my ex knows him, and yes it makes me uncomfortable, not least because my ex is a habitual liar and this makes it very difficult to trust his judgement.

And please, enough with the "I'm looking for trouble" comments. No, I do not want this drama. I don't want this concern. I wish I could trust him but I can't. It's not just stuff like this that he doesn't tell me - I didn't find out about the first lodger until my daughter told me, which was an awkward position to put her in. And I know he is desperate for money to cover the mortgage so I don't think he would be picky about who he moves in.

Yadnbu!! Good grief the responses on here are nuts, ffs, if anything untoward happened you lot would be the first judging and screaming that the OP was negligent for allowing her dc's to sleepover with an unknown male! Give your freaking heads a wobble!
OP a CRB DBS check is common sense and a fair minded precaution, after all any professional or volunteer with access to children is expected to fulfil this as a requirement and most of those are not overnight! For what it's worth, when I in exactly the same situation (but eow not 60/40) stopped overnight, CAFCAS and the judge were very understanding of my concerns and gave the EX a read of the "parental responsibility" riot act for not taking proper precautions of the children safety. Just saying :) good luck

Mumsnet... the only place where kids can't go on sleepovers until they're 20 incase their friend's parents are peados, but an unknown lodger with unrestricted access to the kids 5 times a fortnight is tickety boo 🙄

DBS checks are for professional and voluntary contexts, e.g. people who want to work with children. No one is obligated to get one before thy can be around children. No one is obligated to make their lodger get one. I understand your concern but think, ultimately, you don't have a right to insist on this.

What happens when your dc go on a sleepover? Do the parents have to be DSB checked?

TBH though what happens if the person hasn’t been caught doing anything wrong but is still an evil predator- how are you going to tell? A lie detector test?

I can see why you are worried and why you would like a DBS check but there is no way you will be able to make him ask the lodger. If he feels that he knows the lodger well and if his job means that he can't have any criminal convictions then why would he take any notice of your concerns? You are going to have to trust your ex as there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

I'd share your concerns but legally you're stuffed. I'd chose to fight battles you can win otherwise there really is no point. Sorry.

What Sisters of mercy said with bells on. You dont trust your ex. I would be very concerned in your situation.

Can you speak to SS and see if they can go over and meet the guy? At least then you have raised your issues in the correct place and it is up to them to take it further if they have concerns.

Namechangedforthis0

It's not the job of SS to police people and their lodgers. A parent is deemed capable of deciding for his or herself who they trust around their children.

@puntcuffin victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/statistics-on-perpetrators-of-csa

Because the vast majority of sexual abuse is committed by men. When children's safety is concerned political correctness needs to go out the window and any chinks in the armour around kids need to be checked. No doubt the lodger is a dream. But the mum has a right to ask the question. I know if I had a male lodger my exH would ask about the kid's safety with him immediately. I'm not a fan of my ex but he would have the right to ask this. any lodger is there at night while parent is sleeping. Common sense means one must watch all angles to defend children and getting precious about m\f equality in the abuse stakes is irrelevant and potentially damaging albeit with a very small possibility.

I am stunned by the responses here. What responsible parent would be happy with their child spending nights in a house with someone they’ve never met, who they know nothing about, whose name they don’t know? Would you let your kid stay at someone’s house when you’d never met them?

I was abused as a child and I can’t believe how blasé some people are being, as if abuse doesn’t happen frequently and to so many children, most often by a family member or someone with very close connections to their family.

I’d want their full name so I could google them, and I’d want to meet them. Obviously neither is foolproof but it’s better than bloody nothing.

Also, an occasional sleepover where there’s a parent you haven’t met is very different to someone who has frequent access to children and therefore the ability to build a relationship and groom them.

Nobody is saying they would be happy about it. But the lodger isn't obligated to meet with the OP, nor is the ex obligated to facilitate this. Until there is more concrete reason for concern, no one at SS or a family court is going to be interested. So what can the OP do?

Mightymucks link to Sarah’s law on page one seams to be the most useful suggestion. Fancynewbeesly sums up my thoughts very well.

A dbs check won't help.. 99% of paedophiles I know were previously good character..

If it was me I would not under any circumstances let my children stay there... No way.

Thank you everyone... in response I did speak to a pretty high up police officer and she completely understood so I'm going to get some help from her. Thanks for the info on Sarah's law; the police officer told me about this too.

All I want to know is who the guy is. I don't know anything about the fit and proper person check and if I had the details then maybe it would reassure me but like I said he won't even give it to me.

I guess this is no different for a father when a ex moves in with a new man. I must admit I wouldn't like it, but realise its something I would have to get used to.

radio I disagree. If you are moving in with the boyfriend then you know the boyfriend and have some idea of his background. Yes that isn't infallible but it helps. In this situation lodger is a stranger to even op's ex.