Is having children worth it?

[BeeKeeping]

I’ve got an overwhelming broody urge from the primal part of my brain- but the logical part remains unconvinced. I’ve been reading a lot and tbh pregnancy and birth seem utterly horrific. Once the baby is here it’s not all pain sailing either, from what I’ve been reading. It seems that there’s a huge toll on finances, comfort, marriage and mental health... the girls at my work with kids says that they come in to get a break! So I wonder how much hard work they have to do at home?!

My life is lovely, I’m still young, the only real difficulty is the longing to have a family. I blow hot and cold over the issue and it’s upsetting me and my DH. I don’t want to regret waiting too long, I don’t want to jump too soon. Part of me thinks that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, and if that’s the case waiting won’t make it any easier. In fact pregnancy and birth might be better when young.

I’m 27, married a year, 6 year relationship, good job in the nhs, doing up our own home. Very countryside outdoorsy life. Can’t think of anything we do regularly that wouldn’t accommodate a baby- holidays etc (except sleep!). Any spare money we have we put into the house.

Obviously no one knows the ‘right’ thing to do. Just if you were me, would you wait? Or go for it? Heart or head...

🐝xx

I know I what you mean. If you like your own space and identify then maybe have a good think about what you really want vs. What your body wants vs. Societal expectations

At 27 I knew I wanted kids, but wasn't quite ready to give up my lifestyle to have them. You sound in a similar place.

I had my first at 33 (pregnant at 32), once I'd established myself in my career. DH and I had been together 8 years at that point, married for one. We'd travelled all over, enjoyed eating out regularly, went to gigs/theatre regularly. We lived well.

We still live well, but with a 3yo and a baby on the way its v different. Evening meals out become family lunches out. Cinema trips are replaced by films on demand. We travel less, we have less money, but still managed ten days in Italy last summer - that was a huge treat for us.

So the fun doesn't end when you have kids, it just changes.

I was basically you a couple of years ago, I'm 30 now and have a 9 month old.
I was terrified of pregnancy and especially labour. For me, I was lucky and pregnancy was plain sailing and I had a really positive birth despite baby being premature.
That was the easy bit and having the baby has knocked me for six. I'm only just starting to come out the other side and I never ever thought I'd be someone to say this... but I'm looking forward to going back to work as yes, it will be a break!
It's exhausting and relentless (although I have a high needs baby so am at the extreme end of how tough they can be so there's every chance you get an angel babe!) BUT there is no way I would change it.

I've thought I couldn't cope a lot. I've wanted to walk out and not come back. I've dreaded taking baby on holiday and not being able to relax like we used to. But it's worth it. Holidays are a bit more stressful, but it's also an extra person to share your love of travel with.
Doing up your house might become slower, but there's another person to take into account when you design rooms which is exciting.

If you're financially stable and you're relationships in a good place, I'd say absolutely go for it

I think that having kids is not a logical decision - there are too many cons which you have already identified.

However, emotions pay no attention to logic and the things we look back on in life with most fondness are often the things we struggled for. A family might well be that for you.

Your description matched my life almost exactly, except I'm 34 and had an unplanned pregnancy last year.

Is it hard, yes. I suffered with an awful pregnancy and then had a difficult birth and but the 5 months of his life so far have been fun and interesting (challenging at times). But he's awesome and I'm glad fate chose us to become a family.

What I would say is do any travelling you want to do now if you can afford to. Then if your partner is kind to you and understanding and is good on the domestic tasks then why not try it in a couple of years time if it feels right?

My mum always said nothing worth having comes easy, and babies definitely fit into that saying. But everything is a phase and it passes. Having read mumsnet when I was kinda petrified of the whole thing but it's turned out ok. Basically you will find a way to carry on doing whats important to you if/when you have a child in tow, you just won't have time to do everything you used to.

The important thing to remember is that the first few years are all consuming, it's not about you anymore, so if you have a desperate urge to do something that requires more than one hand, do it now.

Don't do what I did and try to rennovate a house at the same time as having a baby. Disaster.

Good luck!

It’s definitely worth it; I had a tricky pregnancy and birth plus it’s not been easy with sleep deprivation but I’d do it all again in a heartbeat for my baby.
Before having her I was happy with my life but felt “done” with nights out etc and ready to give that up

If you enjoy your life, feel fulfilled as you are, then I’d say leave it as it is.

I have children, but my life isn’t better because of it. I’m always tired, a bit on edge and have to do things I don’t want to. Obviously I signed up to that, but I feel not having kids is a perfectly reasonable choice.

‘All joy and no fun’ is a good book on this subject.

Having teenagers and young adults anchors you to the world. As an older person, it's easy to drift and lose touch with concerns of people 30 years younger than you. Young adult children bring in noise and different ways of thinking.

I was34 with my first and 36 with my second. Sworn off more but those strange urges are starting to resurface!
Anyway, I never really thought I would want kids because I liked my life the way it was. Drinking, sleeping when I wanted, shopping, freedom, spontanaeity (bad spelling I think)
I can honestly say hand on heart these two children are the best thing I've ever done. It's changed everything but I wouldn't swap a moment. Both births ended in surgery and I've got long term effects but I'm happy every day.
Only you know how you feel, there's no right or wrong. Good luck

I wouldn't change my children for anything. One thing worth being aware of though is that you won't have any idea of the impact till your child is here because they are all so different. Both of mine have been diagnosed with ASD. With my youngest this means things like holidays and days out are really tricky. He is also hypermobile so our dreams of taking the kids on walking holidays etc simply won't ever happen.

Kids are amazing though, they bring so many new adventures to your lives. Well worth the stress and hard work I think.

If you feel like youve still got a lot of travel or nights out left in you, then wait a while.

But its worth it just for the lolz. Nobody ever tells you how hilarious kids are. Mine crack me up.

It isn't about logic.

Planned pregnancy at 33, married 18 months at the time. He was prem and is medically complex. I quit work to care for him and w spent 18 months in and out off hospital. He's nearly 3 note and sometimes I just get touched out or think oh if only we could go somewhere abroad (simply can't happen) or even a spur of the moment trip in the UK (,needs meticulous planning and lots notice) bit none of that equals the feel of my child in my arms, the smell of his,hair after a bath, the cuteness of him pushing his favourite toy in his buggy and all the other unquantifiables

I'm still in the thick of things with two babies (12 months apart). I can honestly say that it's the most rewarding and all consuming thing I've ever done. I have zero autonomy - I eat when I can, going for a wee might involve the 14 month old hanging off my legs or both of them screaming. However ds1 has just started learning to walk and has a few words now. When he laughs it fills my heart and makes me smile every time. He's a tough one but I love him unconditionally and am absolutely crazy about him. My feelings about the younger one are still a work in progress
You have to be willing to give up a lot and have to sometimes dig deep for some resilience sometimes but if you do want kids, I'd recommend it

I'd say the pregnancy and birth is a drop in the ocean compared to the reality of actually having a child.

I had my first (and only) at 32. I have found it incredibly difficult, although there are lots of lovely times too. I can't say I regret it, but equally I do think I would have been perfectly fine child free.

I crave alone time and you really don't get much of that. It is all encompassing and you really won't know how you truly feel until you have a child of your own. Seriously, nothing can prepare you.

Having said all of that, you are still so young! I would just shelve it for a few years, enjoy your life and come back to it when you're 30. You certainly don't sound ready for it now and that's perfectly ok. Better to wait than to rush into it because your hormones are screaming at you. I think at this stage in your life, you would struggle.

I have broody all my life. My partner is older then me and has a teenager so we decided to only have one. It took me some time to come to piece with that as I imagined many kids. Well turns out we had twins which is still unbelievable to me.

Pregnancy wasn't great but honestly it's easier to find mums who hate pregnancy then the ones who embraced it. My labour wasn't to bad, lots of drugs and it didn't take as long as expected.

My boys are a year now and I'm knackered. They run everywhere, there is no safe space to put my coffee that they won't try and reach. I'm a SAHM and it's full on, they nap once maybe twice a day and I don't sit down during that time I just catch up with cleaning and washing.

But honestly when they do something amazing it makes everything worth it. Every new stage from sitting crawling to walking and talking just makes my heart melt.

Nothing can truly prepare you for the tiredness and mental overload of raising tiny humans but as long as you don't expect it to be easy peasy then it's all doable and worth it in the end.

There is no way of knowing what sort of pregnancy and child you will have. But it is worth it.

My 1st was an easy pregnancy, difficult birth but he was such a lovely baby (hes still lovely at 10 and we've had no problems at all with him)
my 2nd was a horrible pregnancy, I hate the thought now but I considered abortion as I was so tired and sick, gp no help. Not to mention the constant bleeding i was sure she would be born poorly because of it all. I am so glad I battled through. She was a super easy fast labour, but the grumpiest baby ever. Wouldnt feed, wouldnt sleep, screamed all the time. Turned out she had silent reflux. Now shes 6 and shes lovely.

Both of them bring so much into my life. They're funny, they're entertaining, they bring love and fun into everything.

And for what its worth...even with all the horrible things in my last pregnancy I would do it again if we had a bigger house/could afford another.

You’re a bit young yet, imo, especially as you blow hit and cold. You don’t have to decide now!

Babies are a fundamental - to quote that thing Sarah Lancashire was in when her younger partner wanted babies and she already had teens.

It is a bit like other loves, you know when you know.

My life got so much worse on measurable metrics when I had dc, but so much better on the core, fundamental ‘why is life worth living’ ones.

I'm at a similar point in life (27, married two years, six year relationship, good job in a university, will have own home later this year) and there's nothing about it I'd be willing to compromise for a baby. I absolutely don't want kids, never have and don't anticipate it changing in the future. There's just too much uncertainty and, for me, it's not worth taking such a massive chance for something I'm not that fussed about. I'd rather regret not having one than have one and regret it forever.

I suppose you have to decide if you want a kid enough to take the gamble.

Definitely. Your own are very different to other people's. It's hard and a slog sometimes but the rewards are amazing.

I'm glad I lived a bit before I had mine in my mid thirties though. Now I'm looking forward to having my freedom back in the next few years.

I couldn't have known when I was planning my perfect family that my DS would have ASD. It just didn't enter my head to consider it. In my thirties I think I was in a much better place to deal with it all, a much calmer and more self-assured place. And of course I think my DS is perfect.

There's something immensely biologically satisfying about nuzzling your own child, it's honestly the greatest feeling on earth. No wonder lions do it so much!

I say go for it.

You are 27 - you’ll be 28 presumably before you have a baby even if you get pregnant right away.

You don’t mention issues with career, or exotic travel, or money/housing issues.

I’d go for it if your DP feels the same way.

One thing I absolutely never thought about when i was younger was that as you get older, so do your parents. Grandparents who are fit and healthy and able to be actively involved in grandchildren’s lives are such a good thing. I had it growing up and took it for granted. My DC will have less of that.

Everything changes when you have children but lots of it changes in an amazing way as well as all the sleepless nights and less money. It’s totally worth it.

I always thought I would be a career woman forever. I was happy living that life and I am ashamed to say that I looked at all my friends with kids as having failed a bit in life as they didn't have careers... Then at 27 I became pregnant.. When my son was born my whole life changed.. I fell in love with being a mum.. I deeply regretted not starting a family sooner.. I regret it now still.. I am 34 and have 3 kids and probably will have another one day!! Sounds soooooo cliche but being a mum is the hardest and best job in the world to me! I love it.

At 27 I had also been married a year and I'm a relationship for 6. We had an amazing time in our 20s and didn't think about children until we hit 30. I had mine at 31 and 34.
There is not a 'right' age to have children, but I'm glad didn't have them any sooner. Looking back, 27/28/29 were brilliant years where we went to loads of parties and exotic holidays. Life changes massively when you have children and I do miss our previous existentence (a lot!!).
However, around the age of 30-35, most of our friends strayed having children. That changes things. Very few of our friends are now partying all the time, so we wouldn't be that as much anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is that life moves on and what might seem unthinkable now might feel like absolutely the right thing in a couple of years time.

Wait a few years and get started early 30s. Do lots of travel, further your careers, enjoy freedom.

Then when kids come the responsibility is balanced with a new world that opens up. Caring for your own is pretty wonderful.

Don't get too hung up on the babyhood aspect. From the perspective of a mum of adult children, it's but a distant memory. When I think of my DCs, it's first as the adults they've become, then of their teenagerhood and their older childhood. I really cannot remember the trials of babyhood except as an abstract concept. We think about "having a baby" but having a child is about so much more than that.

I'm not trying to persuade you into it, only you can make that decision.