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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is having children worth it?

117 replies

BeeKeeping · 29/03/2018 09:49

I’ve got an overwhelming broody urge from the primal part of my brain- but the logical part remains unconvinced. I’ve been reading a lot and tbh pregnancy and birth seem utterly horrific. Once the baby is here it’s not all pain sailing either, from what I’ve been reading. It seems that there’s a huge toll on finances, comfort, marriage and mental health... the girls at my work with kids says that they come in to get a break! So I wonder how much hard work they have to do at home?!

My life is lovely, I’m still young, the only real difficulty is the longing to have a family. I blow hot and cold over the issue and it’s upsetting me and my DH. I don’t want to regret waiting too long, I don’t want to jump too soon. Part of me thinks that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, and if that’s the case waiting won’t make it any easier. In fact pregnancy and birth might be better when young.

I’m 27, married a year, 6 year relationship, good job in the nhs, doing up our own home. Very countryside outdoorsy life. Can’t think of anything we do regularly that wouldn’t accommodate a baby- holidays etc (except sleep!). Any spare money we have we put into the house.

Obviously no one knows the ‘right’ thing to do. Just if you were me, would you wait? Or go for it? Heart or head...

🐝xx

OP posts:

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/03/2018 10:29

Don't forget - you have a baby, but what you get is a child. They are only tiny disruptive babies for a short while compared to the 'growing up' bit, when they sleep better and you can take them out to places and they are practically human.

And then, like my lot, they leave home and come back to take you out to places and consider you 'practically human'.

Reallycantbebothered · 29/03/2018 10:32

I felt the same as you at your age.....I'd been married at 23 and having children didn't enter my head until I was 28...then something changed and I kept thinking wouldn't it be nice to have childrendespite being put off originally by my Dsis 'darlings'
I fell pregnant very easily but sadly had 2mcs, which then had me thinking I'd never have children and that really hit me hard. Thankfully I finally had my first dd aged 29 and was totally smitten...went on to have 2 more dcs
All dcs are now grown up, I'm in mid 50's now and have reignited my love of travel, as have my dcs....so I'll be making the most of visiting them across the globe!

roundaboutthetown · 29/03/2018 10:33

Yes, having children is worth it. Like anything that is worth it, it involves a colossal emotional investment. It also involves financial cost, of course!

Mydoghatesthebath · 29/03/2018 10:34

cant think of anything we do regularly that wouldn’t accommodate a bsby

Says every non parent

We have 6 children and started at 24 finishing at 36.. now 50 and have grandchildren.

Without kids we would be far wealthier, far far far wealthier

What I can’t imsgine is starting a family at 40 Plus. Good on you if that’s your choice but I take dgs to s playgroup and some of the mums are just a few years younger than me. I can’t imagine coping with sleepless nights and young teenagers at mid fifties.

Have them young and you grow up together.

Aria2015 · 29/03/2018 10:36

Honestly I'd wait a few years. I think enjoying your marriage is important and the more solid your relationship is the better it will hold up to the changes that come with a baby. I don't know a single couple who didn't endure a ’blip’ in their relationship when a baby came along but the couples who have experienced the general ups and downs in a long term relationship seem to fair the best and get adapt the quickest ( just what I've noticed amongst my friends).

As for it being worth it, in my experience it has been. I'm just in love with my lo and wouldn't call myself a ’children person’. I was worried about feeling like I'd lost my freedom but having lots of freedom beforehand helped and I genuinely don't begrudge the changes that I've had to make.

I have been lucky an had an ’easy’ child but even my friends who have had a tough time seem to hot a sweet spot where things are good and they enjoy their lo’s.

I now can't imagine my life without my lo and I want to freeze time so he stays little!

You’ll get a mixed response because people have had good and bad experiences but that's mine.

Missingstreetlife · 29/03/2018 10:37

Those hormones, body clock strong for a reason. I would suggest waiting a few months and think about it again. Probably the most important decision you ever make. Lots of people don't have children and lots do it on a whim.

SleepFreeZone · 29/03/2018 10:39

You are at the perfect age to have a baby IMO. So don’t put it off just incase you have fertility issues you didn’t know about.

DonkeyOil · 29/03/2018 10:39

Yes!

willisjo · 29/03/2018 10:41

I have tried to conceive many times and failed, I might have to resort to IVF, so my opinion is to try have a baby as soon as possible as the window may close soon and then you will not be able to do anything. If you are already thinking of having children, then go for it, I believe it will be one of your best experiences of your life. For me to imagine myself as being a mother would just be amazing!

QuiteLikely5 · 29/03/2018 10:41

Noooiooooio don’t do itttt

3stonedown · 29/03/2018 10:43

I'd do it now. It's so worth it.

Osopolar · 29/03/2018 10:44

It is the hardest thing I have ever done and the birth has left me with permanent damage. I also really struggled with the baby stage and was very down and deeply regretted my decision. However I had an overwhelming need for a baby and I know that if I hadn't one I would have been miserable forever. Having one I was miserable for a year but I now love it and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are sticking with one though as I think adding more would skew the balance more towards stress and exhaustion.

harrietm87 · 29/03/2018 10:45

OP I think wait for a year or so. You're still young and have time.

I met my DH at 22, married at 29. Started TTC at 30 and had 3 mcs in quick succession. Was traumatic but conceived again for the 4th time and now 39 weeks at 31. It feels like the perfect time to have a baby now - we're both well established in our careers, I have an amazing mat package, we sold our trendy 1 bed flat and bought a family home that we've just finished doing up. A few years ago at your age we were still going out loads, fun holidays etc. Now all our friends are having babies too and it just feels like a new phase.

Derr · 29/03/2018 10:48

Argh I'm in almost exactly the same position as you OP. I want to do so much more travel and just enjoying myself but I also don't want to put it off for too long. I have this idea that I want to have a child before 30 but I'm not sure I'll get there. I'm also petrified of how my pretty good life may change for the worse. Everyone's experiences are so different - I'm not sure I'll ever feel totally convinced but a few of my friends have just gone for it as they're wanting to have children young. It's a tricky one. Women are constantly reminded of their ticking fertility clock and I hate buying into that, but it does play on my mind.

lifechangesforever · 29/03/2018 10:51

You are me 3 years ago. I am 30 this July and will be welcoming our first DD at the same time. We weren't trying as such and just thought if it happened then we'd be happy but if it didn't then we'd carry on enjoying our lives (and our money).

I'd say you've still got plenty of time on your hands - I still feel too young but I know I'm not (in denial about my 30th ) enjoy your house and your holidays and don't stress about it being too late, it's really not.

Osopolar · 29/03/2018 10:51

As someone who had DS at 27 one of the massive pluses for me is that I am now 29 and the sleep deprivation and bottles etc are all behind me. By the time my friends have children we will be in the primary school years going on days out etc. When they are dealing with teenagers we will have an adult DS and still be pretty young ourselves. We are planning lots of travelling etc then when we will have more money and can do it in style :)

Kintan · 29/03/2018 10:54

My son has totally enhanced our lives. We haven’t really had to give up much so far (apart from sleep, and cinema trips!), and yes I do feel like it is a nice break when I go to work, but by the end of the working day I’m done with that break and can’t wait to see him. I’d say go for it :)

shesakeeper · 29/03/2018 10:54

It sounds to me OP like you have your head screwed on about this. You know you could have a shitty pregnancy. You know you could have a horrible birth. You know the baby stage is challenging. That's about as prepared as you can be tbh.

I had no idea that I'd get HG and end up signed off for over half of my pregnancy. Or that my baby would go into distress in labour and end up being delivered by crash c section. I couldn't have guessed anything that specific.

In my personal experience, the baby stage was much easier than the pregnancy. Once the first few weeks were over!

TammySwansonTwo · 29/03/2018 10:58

I was the same. I eventually had twins at 34, 5 years after getting married.

The problem is you can rationally understand all the negative stuff - the cost, the effort, the lack of sleep, the effects on your body etc - but you can’t understand the positives unless you experience them for yourself.

I’m glad we did all the things we wanted to do - living without any major commitments, nice holidays, etc - before we had them. We have no f

PeonyTruffle · 29/03/2018 10:58

My DS has undoubtedly made my life better.

We were put in a situation where it was medically do it now or don’t do it at all so the choice was kind of taken away from us.

We did it and I will be forever pleased with our decision

thegreylady · 29/03/2018 10:58

Having children has been the best part of my life with the added delight of grandchildren. Although I had a career, travelled etc my life was enriched by my children and I look at them all and see a legacy to be proud of.

userabcname · 29/03/2018 10:58

I had DS last year just before 30. I think it was a good age for me personally- had completed all studies, established career with permanent job, starting to feel bored with nights out and hangovers at the weekend and felt ready for something new. DH felt the same. I have no regrets having DS - I love him to bits and actually think DH and I are stronger than ever. It's up to you but if you don't feel done with the child-free lifestyle then give yourself another couple of years.

mrsprefect · 29/03/2018 10:59

I was you last year but older so with added time pressure to decide. We decided just to see what fate decided for us and it sent us DS. He's the most wonderful thing of all the things I have ever done, so glad I have him. None of the terrible things I feared would happen have happened, I feel very lucky. I'd have loved another couple of years of child free marriage first mind you and as you are much younger than me you could put things on hold for a while yet.

TammySwansonTwo · 29/03/2018 11:00

Sorry, phone died.

We have no family around so we haven’t had a break at all since they were born and that would be hard if I had any desire to go off and do stuff but I’m happy to focus on them until they’re older.

It is honestly amazing to watch them develop, I’m a much better and more tolerant person, my house is cleaner, I’m more organised. It is HARD but the positives massively outweigh the negatives for me.

BlueSapp · 29/03/2018 11:03

Its like everyone always says, There is no right time and to be fair even those who feel totally prepared aren't when it comes to the reality of a little vulnerable person that you are responsible for.

I think you really need to discuss this in depth with your husband and decide together, its not just about if your ready you need to support each other.

Its the biggest journey you'll ever have so look at it like that, an adventure not a chore!

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