Is having children worth it?

[BeeKeeping]

I’ve got an overwhelming broody urge from the primal part of my brain- but the logical part remains unconvinced. I’ve been reading a lot and tbh pregnancy and birth seem utterly horrific. Once the baby is here it’s not all pain sailing either, from what I’ve been reading. It seems that there’s a huge toll on finances, comfort, marriage and mental health... the girls at my work with kids says that they come in to get a break! So I wonder how much hard work they have to do at home?!

My life is lovely, I’m still young, the only real difficulty is the longing to have a family. I blow hot and cold over the issue and it’s upsetting me and my DH. I don’t want to regret waiting too long, I don’t want to jump too soon. Part of me thinks that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, and if that’s the case waiting won’t make it any easier. In fact pregnancy and birth might be better when young.

I’m 27, married a year, 6 year relationship, good job in the nhs, doing up our own home. Very countryside outdoorsy life. Can’t think of anything we do regularly that wouldn’t accommodate a baby- holidays etc (except sleep!). Any spare money we have we put into the house.

Obviously no one knows the ‘right’ thing to do. Just if you were me, would you wait? Or go for it? Heart or head...

🐝xx

I had mine at 35 and 37. I felt ready at that point. Going out partying had lost it's appeal, I'd travelled a bit, good marriage, own home, good job. The time was right and it felt right. My pregnancies and births were fine and I was lucky to have the most loveable children imaginable. My 2 year old was feeling a bit poorly in the week and asked if we could cuddle and watch Toy Story. The love you feel for them in moments like that make the sleepless nights worthwhile. I wouldn't trade them for all the nice holidays and disposable income in the world.

I got pregnant at 26 and have a nearly 4 year old now. I never had that strong urge for children that some people have, I was actually quite indifferent about it really. I thought if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.

I can say in many respects my life is worse now. I am lucky in that money has not been a problem for us, we have a nice home and don't struggle to pay for things. I gave up work which was the best decision practically but mentally I have really really found this difficult. I struggled with the feeling that I wasn't me anymore, nobody asked my name, I was "mummy". I found the lack of time to myself really hard to cope with. The fact that I couldnt just walk out the door anymore, I now had another life to consider, a life so completely and utterly dependant on me. It's a big change.

Of course some of the things I found hard, may not be hard for others. And there are other factors too. My dd has always been a bad sleeper. Sleep deprivation really takes a toll. Perhaps if I'd had a baby who loved to sleep I'd feel differently. If I'd carried on working in some form I think I would be happier. If her father had been more supportive (he is great in some ways but lacking in others) then perhaps I would have found the first two years easier. I am a person who really values alone time, if I didn't then I probably wouldn't have found the loss of it so hard. I also had quite a traumatic labour so that had an emotional affect on me. There are just so many variables. It's impossible I think to know, unless you are one of those who very strongly know they do or do not want to have children, but even then things may not play out how they imagined. I had no expectations either way but motherhood has still been far harder than I ever could have realised.

I love my dd, bonding with her came naturally to me despite my lack of broodiness and everything else. Looking after her feels like the most natural thing in the world. I absolutely love her and I love being her mum but I don't think I like being "a mum". I'm not planning on having any more children. I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy (didn't enjoy that either) or anything else again. I feel like I am complete with my dd.

Sorry long post and probably not helpful!

Do you really 'LIKE' children and 'teenagers'? I used to find children difficult to be around but thought it would be completely different with my own. It isn't. It's worse because I'm responsible for them and feel daily anguish of how I may potentially be messing 2 human beings up. I've lost the person I once was and am a shadow of myself. There's no going back and every penny is spent on family life, or saving for their futures. It's a long haul and no one can say whether it's right for you or not. Everyone can only relate to their own experience.

It's tough OP.

What does your husband want? I didn't see anything about that in your post.

Imo you're still young and given that you're unsure, you should wait a few years. Having kids is a massive gamble. People rarely hear from the parents who did it and regret it, as it's such a taboo thing to talk about, so if all you hear is 'yes it's amazing you won't regret it!' you're going into it quite naively.

I think I've mentioned this on here before but as part of a previous job I spoke to a lot of people, many parents, about their problems and their feelings. And one thing that was expressed a surprising number of times was regret. I hear people say 'you only regret the kids you don't have not those you do' which simply isn't true. I spoke to a lot of women and men who did love their kids, and cared for them, but admitted if they could go back in time, knowing what they know now, they wouldn't have done it.

So given that you're unsure, you can't know how it will turn out, and you still have time, I strongly advise you to wait. It's not a decision to be taken lightly because you have a feeling for it! It's something to consider carefully.

Have them young and you grow up together.

I've never heard this before but it seems so sad and shocking to me. Surely a baby deserves a parent who is already mostly grown up and ready to guide them, teach them, etc. Not someone who has had them young so you can 'grow up' concurrently. Not every instance of having a baby is perfectly timed and planned and people can do well under difficult circumstances, but if you do have the ability to plan ahead and think it through, I think it's better to have a baby once you've actually grown up yourself!

In all honesty if, before I had actually had children, I had realised how much I would worry about them I would have probably not started a family.

They are adults living independent lives now. They are wonderful young men who make me very proud, and I have had so much joy being their mother, but the saying, "A mother can only be as happy as her unhappiest child" it very true for me. If they are having any worries or problems they become mine too. Heartbreak, exam stress and so on.

I worry about illness, crime and accidents effecting them. I don't think I have had a day's mental peace since they were born. The love you have for your child makes you so vulnerable to heartache, but once they are actually in your life you would never be without them.

Sounds like your in a good position

Logically having children doesn't make sense. They cost money, are exhausting, drain you in every way (money, and energy!). BUT (a huge but), they are the most incredible things in your life and will always be worth it somehow.

It doesn't make sense, but it really is true how worth it they are. They make my life complete and I always had this tiny little incomplete feeling before my DC arrived.

It's hard work being a SAHM (PT work) and yes lack of sleep is hard. However the lack of sleep isn't forever. On average 1 year per child of poor sleep.

But worth it in so many ways.

I'd say wait a couple of years and you may feel differently. I do think having my children young has helped me 'bounce back' quicker and I had uncomplicated pregnancies which I think my youth and good health has helped.

It's a bit like getting a dog (but 'more so').

I'm not a dog person, so for me it seems surprising that anyone would choose to have a dog - extra work, extra expense, restrictions to your current lifestyle - but, obviously, for people who love dogs it's all worth it for the companionship and happiness they bring.

Having a baby involves much more hard work, expense and restrictions on your life than getting a dog. But for me, there's no question that it is worth it for the love and joy they bring.

But, just as I choose not to get a dog, it's a perfectly valid decision to choose not to have a child.

You're 27 so time is still on your side. Maybe think about it for another year or two.

I would like to add I am still early in my years of being a mother. My children are not grown up. Notagainmun has an interesting point.

My pregnancy was a breeze. Birth wasn’t, but over in a day. He’s worth more than anything

i worry about illness, crime and accidents effecting them. I don't think I have had a day's mental peace since they were born. The love you have for your child makes you so vulnerable to heartache, but once they are actually in your life you would never be without them.

With all due respect, that level of worrying (and the whole, can't be happier than your least happy child phrase) is probably something you'd struggle with whether you had kids or not, it'd just focus on a different topic!

I never ever wanted children. The thought of it used to terrify me
I'm typing this while feeding 5mo DS.
You have plenty of time and you may benefit from waiting a while. DH and I have been travelling and partying for the best part of 10 years before we had our baby. I knew I felt more ready because we had swapped trips to Japan with cottage breaks in Norfolk and big nights out with quiet nights in.
Whatever you decide to do, you can be happy either way.

It’s impossible to answer this question as you probably know! There is another life in which I don’t have children and might be achieving more, traveling more, making a broader contribution to society right now...

I had my son at your age, because, like you, I got broody! It was a biological imperative rather than a logical decision. I consider myself lucky in this, I didn’t have to weigh it up, I was so broody I absolutely had to!! I love him so much I could explode. He makes me feel everything. I have a girl now too and want a third!

Everything worth doing is hard. You won’t find an answer to this question really, it’s a leap of faith. Everything people say is true, but hearing it is not the same as experiencing it. Good luck!

Oh, and I really enjoyed being pregnant. I had a lovely pregnancy. Birth was painful but manageable and it doesn't last long.

I don't have Kids because I have decided it's not worth it. I look at my sister and friends who have children and think their lives look really shit. Their weekends are very dull, they never have any sleep and are always stressed. I don't want to put myself through that.

Only a tiny tiny proportion of parents will ever wish that they had not had their children (regardless of the circumstances).

LOGICALLY, in any number of ways it is better (statistically) to have your children under the age of 30 rather than over (and bear in mind that it is entirely normal for 100% healthy couples to take a couple of years to conceive). Once you're over 35, you are statistically more likely to have problems conceiving, miscarriages, interventions/problems during delivery, etc. Rates of breast cancer are significantly lower in population groups that have their children younger, have more of them, and who breastfeed for longer.

These risks/benefits are theoretical/statistical, but they are real nonetheless.

"I’ve got an overwhelming broody urge from the primal part of my brain" - This is nature's way of helping you get through the (undeniably) difficult bits!

There is only you can make the decision as to whether you're ready or not.
You have to decide what you want in life. Are you happy to forego your freedom, finances and holidays for a few years is what you need to search the answer to.
I wouldn't swap my kids for anything. They have given me and their father so much, even more so now the grandchildren have arrived too.
That said, there are times when I could have quite happily dumped them in the nearest children's home before running away screaming. To be fair, at times I could have dumped my husband with them.

Mine have flown the nest now and are making their own families, but the feeling of happiness that I get when one of them pops their head round the door with a ' hi mum ' is like no other. I could never buy that. When the grandchildren arrived, if someone had offered a million pounds to replace the feeling of holding that precious little bundle in my arms for the first time I would have told them to knob off.
Having kids is the hardest thing you will ever do. There are no text books, no rights and wrongs. You can only do your best as a parent, but the rewards can be immense.

If you are someone who values 'alone' time you will struggle. If you don't mind being surrounded by people all the time you will be fine.

I need alone time and this is true - this to me has been the single hardest thing about being a parent.

I think if you have a need for 'alone time' that apart from the exceedingly intense time from birth to a point where the child can be fully cared for by your partner, with a good deal of negotiation it is possible.
Maybe something to be discussed before getting pregnant.
At a basic level a baby does not NEED a mother once it is born.
As a dad I could provide everything except breastfeeding if/when necessary.

I was never maternal or broody. We now have two DC. I work full time. My husband works nights. Our life is crazy and exhausting and we barely make it work. I look dreadful. I have no time for me. But bloody hell they are worth it! I love the very bones of them. The best thing I ever did.

I don't think there is ever the "perfect time" to have a baby. I got married at 23 and got incredibly broody straight away (like on the honeymoon straight away). My DH is 7 years older than me and has always wanted to have kids young so he was ready as soon as I was. A year after the wedding I gave birth to DD.
Hated pregnancy, labour was long and traumatic and I found looking after a newborn incredibly hard. There were a few times in those first few months when I thought "oh my god what have I done, I am not cut out for motherhood" but it got easier and I found my way.
DD is now 2.5 and I love her with every bone in my body. Honestly, I don't think I'm particularly maternal and I try to make sure I'm still me and not just mummy. But I wouldn't go back even if I could. She melts my heart every day and I can't describe the happiness she brings to my life.
Having kids is bloody hard there is no denying that. But for me it has given me purpose and so much fulfilment.
After having her I swore there was no way I was having anymore, one was enough for me thank you. That was until about 9 months ago, baby is due any day now

The first year of my son’s life was the hardest in my entire life. He was not a good sleeper so not getting more than four hours of broken sleep for about ten months nearly broke me, and the stress and sleep deprivation put a strain on our marriage too. It was ridiculously hard but you just get on with it as you don’t have a choice. The sleep got a lot better at ten months and that improved things massively and now at 15 months my boy is still a handful but he’s a lovely little person with his adorable little ways and I wouldn’t trade him for all the sleep in the world. I didn’t experience the “love at first sight” straight after birth (I had a difficult birth and breastfeeding issues) but it grew gradually, and by about 10-12 weeks I was smitten when I was looking at my smiling son.

I think taking your time is fine if you’re enjoying your life as it is now. I think I wouldn’t have wanted a baby very young as I wanted to live my life first and do what I wanted, so we started trying when I was 30. Unfortunately we had quite a tragic first pregnancy with a bad outcome, but after the loss we were absolutely certain that we did want a baby so decided to keep trying and I had my son when I was 31. Now that the first year is done and dusted and I’m back to work part time I feel that things are finally settling somewhat. Although the temper tantrums are certainly keeping us on our toes.

I think age-wise early thirties is pretty good as you’re still likely to be physically quite fit and I don’t feel like an old mum at all. Lol. The only thing that worried me about not having kids in my twenties was that if I were to have a baby when I’m older the risk of problems with the pregnancy would go up, but the risk is still low in your 30s.

So yes, I would say it’s worth doing. It’s hard work but there’s nothing quite like sloppy little kisses from a baby who looks adoringly into your eyes and says “mama”.