Is having children worth it?

[BeeKeeping]

I’ve got an overwhelming broody urge from the primal part of my brain- but the logical part remains unconvinced. I’ve been reading a lot and tbh pregnancy and birth seem utterly horrific. Once the baby is here it’s not all pain sailing either, from what I’ve been reading. It seems that there’s a huge toll on finances, comfort, marriage and mental health... the girls at my work with kids says that they come in to get a break! So I wonder how much hard work they have to do at home?!

My life is lovely, I’m still young, the only real difficulty is the longing to have a family. I blow hot and cold over the issue and it’s upsetting me and my DH. I don’t want to regret waiting too long, I don’t want to jump too soon. Part of me thinks that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it, and if that’s the case waiting won’t make it any easier. In fact pregnancy and birth might be better when young.

I’m 27, married a year, 6 year relationship, good job in the nhs, doing up our own home. Very countryside outdoorsy life. Can’t think of anything we do regularly that wouldn’t accommodate a baby- holidays etc (except sleep!). Any spare money we have we put into the house.

Obviously no one knows the ‘right’ thing to do. Just if you were me, would you wait? Or go for it? Heart or head...

🐝xx

It isn't about logic I think. Yes, your lifestyle suffers, especially in the early months. Pregnancy and birth - meh, you get over it. The main point is, if you really want it now, on a primal level, and if you don't have them, you'll probably be very sorry for a very long time (also on a primal level).

But you definitely have time to postpone them! Don't get trapped into the silly "before 30 or never". Have fun now so that the change of lifestyle becomes less of a loss.

I had a baby when I was ready. Money, fun etc... didn’t think about it. Didn’t consider the pain of childbirth. I just wanted a baby. You just know if you want to be a Mum.

If your life is stable and you feel you could cope financially with a child you could abandon contraception and see what happens.
While this may sound reckless but it could take a lot of strain out of your life and ultimately force you to consider the needs of a little one. Life won't stop but it will certainly change. Partying and great holidays might be good now but for the next 40 years?

It was worth it for me. I don’t think you can ever say ‘it’s always worth it’ or not.

Pregnancy can be awful. I had HG both times and lasting damage from both that and SPD. Birth can be awful. Sleep deprivation is awful (ds slept no more than an hour in a row for 18m.)

For me it’s been worth it - ds is hilarious and I love him more than I could possibly have imagined. I wasn’t broody or particularly desperate for kids either and i had him late 30s (with another on the way!)

You’re still very young. There’s no hurry. Why not reasses in a year? Just be aware there’s never a right time.

I pretty much felt like that through out my 20's. At 30 I met my now husband. Our daughter wasn't planned but we knew we wanted children at some point.

I read all the baby magazines but nothing could've prepared us for what was to be! It's was hard, anybody else tells you otherwise is lying! And yet we were living with my parents when she was born! Even strangers would say 'those are the easy years' we'd look at each other & think 'are they kidding or what?' Now she's 13 & they were right, the baby years are the easy years! However, as hard as it is, we went on to have another, we have a son, 8 years.

So yes, it's very very hard work, they suck the life out of you, we don't have any family around us so we have no help around us either. But by god, our lives had absolutely no significance whatsoever before we had them two absolutely gorgeous wonderful human beings, who makes us proud beyond belief, laugh every day. We made them.

I disagree MySocks, some people don't 'meh, get over it'. I have lots of friends who were traumatised by their births, and one who had PTSD. I was so put off by my horrid pregnancy that it took me three years to gain the courage to try again.

It is totally worth it.Your life will never be the same again, and pregnancy, birth and babyhood are just the start of it. Life becomes chocka block full of stuff you have to do and juggle and you think what did I ever do with my time before this? But it is worth it for the adventure and the joy of them. Mine are 13 and 11 now. They have enriched my life no end. I love them and I have loved every stage of them.
I had my first at 30. In some ways I wish I had done more in my 20s like travelling, but in other ways I wish I had started having a family earlier and we might have managed a third.
My husband met an old friend from school who had recently become a dad and he described the experience as a "ripple in the ocean". Me and my husband were agog at this as to us every single thing in our universe changed. It is so hard when they are little and you have lots of hard moments, but babies giggling and clapping and waving and taking first steps, first easter bonnets and christmases..etc..etc.there's a new joy in everything. So yes, it's hard but the best thing I ever did.

Why do parents always think that people without children do nothing except party and go on holiday?

OP if your heart is saying yes and your head no you are probably not ready. And don't listen to people who tell you no one ever regrets having children - some do but it is not socially acceptable to say so.

It's different for everyone I think. I had a dreadful pregnancy, but a fantastic birth, and have by some luck got a very easy baby.

I sleep more now than before I had a baby. I'm less stressed. We still go out, albeit not as much as a couple. We're going on holiday abroad next month. She's 9 months, so she'll probably be trickier in a couple of years, but right now, it's all pretty easy tbh. Obviously most people don't find it easy, and most babies aren't that easy, but you can never tell what it'll be like before. I thought that it would be a nightmare, and my life as I knew it would be over, but in fact it's ticked on much the same.

What I will say though, is that she brought so much joy and fun into our lives. Even if she was a trickier baby, she'd be worth it a thousand times over.

OP you are only 27, leave it a couple of years and enjoy your life now. 29 is still young, early 30s are still young. It's not like leaving it till you are 40 odd.

But you definitely have time to postpone them! Don't get trapped into the silly "before 30 or never". Have fun now so that the change of lifestyle becomes less of a loss.

My MIL is obsessed with your twenties being the best time to have babies. Perhaps it was for her (despite her moaning they were skint) but it wasn't for me. It's just utter nonsense imo.

Maybe wait a couple of years and see how you feel. Do a bit more travelling etc first.

I have never wanted children. I'm quite selfish and like my own space and my own company. I like doing what I want, when I want and going for holidays etc when I want. I like having my sisters kids for the day or weekend, but one of my favourite bits was giving them back.

I'm 40 next year, and last month I found out I was pregnant. I thought I would be devastated, but actually I'm fine about it. I've been with my partner for just over 12 years, he is really excited about it (even though he'll be nearly 50! This will be his first as well) . We both own our homes outright and have some savings. I wouldn't have been in such a comfortable position about 10 years ago, and would have seriously considered getting an abortion.

So as you aren't sure, then give yourself some more time. It's a huge responsibility and will drastically alter your life.

I'm not going to lie - some parts of it can be pretty hard.
I found pregnancy very difficult and the birth was nothing short of traumatic. They can be expensive and to some degree spontaneity goes out the window however.....our gorgeous, funny little boy has enhanced our lives no end and he is totally worth it.

Before you have a baby it is important you and your DH have a serious talk about how you see your lives after children . How do you see yourselves sharing the responsibility and what are your expectations? What are your parenting styles? Are they compatible?

Having a baby can be tough on a realtionship but if you're in it as a team from the start life is much easier.

I wouldn’t say lifestyle suffers as such, more that your priorities change. If you value certain things you will continue to do them but you may find that things that you think are important now no longer matter. You tend to hear people being nostalgic about things that they did prior to children but many will say they would not be bothered about those things now. Likewise children open your eyes to a new world which can be just as nice.

It is so hard because you cannot possibly get the same experience when looking at other people and wondering if it is right for you.

Absolutely yes.

Sorry, @shesakeeper . It was not a very sensitive thing to say, I am sorry. I was speaking from my limited experience.

Lots of things in life are hard, but it's often because of frustrating circumstances - money, a bad boss, too much work etc. That sort of 'hard' is grinding and stressful.

Having children is hard because there is a lot to do, but also because it really means something, because you are looking after a human being and their life depends on you - it's hard because you love them so much and are so motivated to get it right. And when you do get it right, the feeling of happiness and achievement can't really be matched by anything else - you are doing something totally worthwhile and you are making a good (enough) job of it, there really isn't anything more satisfying. A lot of the time it's incredibly exhausting, but again, because of the motivation you have I think you don't tend to resent that exhaustion, it just comes with the territory and you accept it (mostly!).

I don't agree with the advice to wait. From my point of view, I feel like I have a certain number of years in my life - it could be 110 or it could be 40, I don't know. I want to see as much of my children's life as possible so I had mine relatively young (28 and 30) so that I could do that - so that even if I only lived to be 35 I'd still have 5 and 7 years of their lives. Morbid I know but really important for me. Also, I'll be that bit younger if I'm lucky enough to live to see the have their own children. That's not a small thing.

I gave two children. Raising them has been the hardest thing I have ever done (I've literally climbed mountains, I've dealt with an abusive parent, I've gone through the medical school admissions process, I've moved to a different country) I've done lots of things most people consider difficult. They don't compare to the difficulty of raising children. But raising children has has also been the most fulfilling thing I have ever done (again lots of pleasant things in my life, exotic travel destinations, fulfilling hobbies, participated in lots of charity, exhibitions, fundraising etc, fell in love, good friends and family, lots of time spent traveling, going to art galleries, theatres etc). Having children gives life a richness that can't be found any other way. My only advice to you would be to make sure that you are financially ready before conceiving. The last thing you want to worry about when you have children is money.

Of course it’s worth it. Personally I found pregnancy and childbirth a doddle - that’s largely down to luck and genes, you won’t know until you do it. Your life will change completely - that’s true. What you can’t know until you do it is that you won’t care. In fact, if you are anything like me you’ll wonder what you thought was so great about it before. In fact you’ll Wonder what you were doing with your life before. Heart wins every time - don’t over analyse it. There’s never a right time (you’ll find yourself asking the same questions when it’s time to conceive any subsequent children).

Most births aren't traumatic (some are of course) not having kids in case the birth is traumatic is like not getting in a car because you worry about it crashing. You can opt for pain relief and most people who have vaginal deliveries get back to normal very quickly. I know that others have bad experiences but assuming OP.is healthy she has a far higher chance of having a healthy delivery than not.

We joke about going to work for a break but kids are wonderful and I wouldnt have he it any other way. I know there are mums who feel differently but I don't know any. The vast majority love being mums. It is stressful but it's worth it. If you feel you would like children not having them may be something you live to regret.

DH and I waited along time for our children. There was no single reason, (just general faffing, enjoying our lives, dealing with both sets of parents who had medical problems of their own).
We were always waiting until things seemed "right". Once we could finally afford a decent house, I told Dh would should have a child - I don't think it was'nt exactly a joint decision (!).
I don't EVER remember feeling broody at all, it was more of a fear of what I would feel if I didn't have children, - a dread of living with the regret.
I had my daughter at 39 and my son at nearly 43. Getting pregnant was a breeze, I had no health problems at all. The births were straightforward, and I was back driving DH to work within 48 of the births. I took DS to a kids party the day after he was born! I know this is not typical, but there are plenty of people who come through pregnancy and birth without too much difficulty.
They both slept well as babies, and I can honestly say that they are easy, well behaved children.(now 14 and 10). They are very close, very rarely argue and seem to have missed out on the adolecent strops (so far!).
I notice you say in your OP that Once the baby is here it’s not all pain sailing either, from what I’ve been reading. It seems that there’s a huge toll on finances, comfort, marriage and mental health
None of that is true for us, and bear in mind that the people who don't have many difficulties may keep quiet, as it seems a bit unfair if others are struggling. I never made a big thing of my babies sleeping 11pm to 6 am at 6 weeks (but they did), and I never felt overwhelmed by caring for them. I didn't share this on Facebook, or with friends.

The thought that we could so easily have missed out on having them makes me go cold. They make our lives complete, - I can honestly say they are the best thing we could ever have done. No amount of extra time, cash or better holidays could make up for them not being there. Yes, we have to restrict things we have/do, and build our lives around them, but it is absolutely worth it.
In your case, I would probably wait a bit longer, and enjoy travelling unencumbered, get the house finished (DIY with a baby is not fun!), and try to get pregnant at around 30. There may never be a point where you reconcile both your your for and against feelings, but I don't think that is unusual, - it's just part of being a person who considers all the options.

The thought that we could so easily have missed out on having them makes me go cold. They make our lives complete, - I can honestly say they are the best thing we could ever have done. No amount of extra time, cash or better holidays could make up for them not being there. Beautifully expresses. I completely agree with this sentiment.

Pregnancy is hard (well, not for everyone, but it is for a lot of women) childbirth can be terrifying. Parenting can be a bloody nightmare. But having babies, well it's the best thing I have ever done. I have spent most of the last 7 years sleep deprived. I worry about money, and I worry about my children. My relationship with their father has suffered some. But every hardship is so worth it. When it comes to having children, I think you always have to follow your heart. If having children is something you want, and don't do for the practical reasons etc, I think you'd regret it forever. I love being a mum. I find it overwhelming sometimes, but my babies are the greatest thing I've ever done. Vomit

Hmmm. Let's ask a question about having children on a site aimed at parents, where the majority of the respondents will have children already... I think you ought to know what the majority answer is going to be before you even ask the question!

Have you done all of the stuff that you want to do before having children? Travel, adventure, putting your career first for a while? If yes then maybe it's time. If you feel there's still more you want to do that would be more difficult with children, then maybe wait and do those things first :-)