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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband being pathetic?

117 replies

causeimunderyourspell · 29/03/2018 06:37

So I just need an outsiders POV cause I feel like I've done something wrong but I'm pretty sure I haven't!

So yesterday I had a really stressful day at work. When I came home I was feeling a bit down but I was ok in myself, chatting as normal to oh etc. Started cooking dinner last night even though I just really couldn't be bothered with it as I was so mentally tired, but didn't want the chicken we had to go off. Turned out it had gone off anyway so in the bin it went.

Told dh I wasn't starting again so could he have a think and make something. I do absolutely all the cooking, not by choice but he plays dumb and says he can't cook, he's 45!! Anyway, he huffed, muttered fuck sake and stormed off and hasn't said a word to me since.

I dozed off on the sofa last night for about an hour. In that time he'd gone to make himself an omelette. To be honest I felt a bit annoyed by that as he can cook for himself if he absolutely has to?? Couldn't have offered me one though? But I guess perhaps he didn't want to wake me... who knows. Just struck me as selfish knobbish behaviour.

Woken up this morning and he's still not talking to me. This has happened a few times before when I've not wanted to cook which is why I'm on here posting as it just seems ridiculous to me.

Genuinely wondering if I've been out of order here saying I didn't want to cook as he 'cant' or is he's being a prize prick?? (Which is how I feel currently!) Who is BU?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 29/03/2018 06:42

He's obviously unreasonable
His logic is:
He expects you to do all the cooking; you usually do all the cooking therefore the cooking is your job so why should he have to do it?

Stop the pattern of cooking being your job

sparklepops123 · 29/03/2018 06:43

No that would highly annoy me. He can’t cook for both of you but can cook for himself. Tell him it’s about time he cooked certain nights of the week. And he needs to get over himself

Catspaws · 29/03/2018 06:43

He is being an absolute arsehole. It's not your job to cook for him, how dare he sulk when you ask him to take the reins just once? And making himself something but not you is just so unkind and unnecessary. I'd be having a sharp conversation about how you aren't his mother or his paid help, and he'd better stop acting like you are. I'd also instigate a new rule that he cooks at least one meal per week, based on a recipe of his choosing. He has to learn and it isn't acceptable at his age to claim he doesn't know how!

Putyourdamnshoeson · 29/03/2018 06:44

He's being an arsehole. An infantile, uncaring one.
Don't cook for him tonight either. You both work, it's not your job.

hidinginthenightgarden · 29/03/2018 06:44

He is being a dick. You are perfectly in your right to say you don't fancy cooking. He can either cook every now and then or go without.
I would stop cooking altogether until he stops being so childish.

Pengggwn · 29/03/2018 06:46

You cook one night, he cooks the other. Meals are comparable, so, he doesn't get to expect steak and then make you beans on toast. And if he refuses to do that, just make your own food, like he did.

winetomorrow · 29/03/2018 06:47

Ha. Been there. I waited till he thought it was all forgotten about and very nicely said to him 'do you know what? I feel awful about how upset we both were the other night and want to avoid those kind of arguments in future, so how about we both just make our own food from now on, then we'll never fall out' said with a lovely smile that said 'yay I'm so proud to have solved OUR problem'. The next night he made me a lovely, well edible, dinner :)

Firstworlddramas · 29/03/2018 06:49

Make it look like you are making a massive effort tonight, lasagne from scratch with fresh herbs etc etc - when its cooked cut yourself some and put the rest in the freezer. Say nothing to the cockwomble.

bastardkitty · 29/03/2018 06:52

I agree, a couple of weeks of just cooking for yourself wouldn't go amiss.

Sunnyjac · 29/03/2018 07:03

That’s so rude. I usually do all meal planning and cooking, very much looking forward to seeing how DH copes over next two weeks as I hand over the reins for the holiday. He’ll hopefully get a sense of the chore it is! You are not unreasonable at all, you need a break and your DH needs to step up

Iloveacurry · 29/03/2018 07:10

He’s being a dick. Tonight just cook yourself some dinner.

Original poster
causeimunderyourspell · 29/03/2018 07:10

I'm glad I'm not going mad! I'm starting to think more and more about how selfish his behaviour is. He grew up with a mother who did absolute everything for him short of wiping his arse. So I think it's his expectation for me. I do 99% of everything and I'm getting so full of anger and resentment, last night was just the cherry on top.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2018 07:10

The only way your dh would be in the right is if you've both agreed you always do the cooking, because he always does everything else. Or something.

If not, I would ask him 'why are you in a mood with me?' Because I dont think there's an answer he could give without sounding like an absolute twat.

Greenhouseonthehill · 29/03/2018 07:13

Why would he be so unkind to you?

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2018 07:13

How is other stuff split up? Do you both work full time? Children?

Original poster
causeimunderyourspell · 29/03/2018 07:13

I asked him what's up and he just says 'nothing', tell your face that then?? It's always me who tries to get him in a better mood by yet again stuffing down my annoyance and pretending everything is hunky dory. Im sick of it to be honest!

I will be cooking for the DCs tonight as they're not
At nursery, so might be a tad awkward doing just ours haha!

OP posts:
Original poster
causeimunderyourspell · 29/03/2018 07:18

Both work, 2 children 2yo & 3yo. He just does the bins and any diy type things and that's it really. He doesn't feed or bathe the kids, occasionally gets them dressed.

He doesn't mind pratting about with his fish tank for hours on end but won't do a thing to help me.

He said his main contribution was doing all the driving (I don't drive) so he drove me to work etc. But I was so sick of hearing that, that I agreed to move so that he can just drive himself to work which now takes him 15 mins and I'm on a bus for 45mins!! With all this extra time and energy he must have, I would have thought he'd be throwing himself into the housework. Yeah right.

OP posts:
AtiaoftheJulii · 29/03/2018 07:18

I've had a crappy time at work for the last week or so, have come home late and knackered and not cooked dinner, and my children have behaved better than your dh I'm afraid! It's definitely him BU not you. Hope you can have a useful chat about it at some point soon.

YouTheCat · 29/03/2018 07:18

So you work and do all the house stuff? I presume he works. He's a twat if he's not pulling his weight and especially if he then sulks when asked to do something.

DarkPeakScouter · 29/03/2018 07:18

Don’t feel awkward just do it. If nothing else it will spark a frank discussion

Skatingfastonthinice · 29/03/2018 07:22

You are not being at all fair. He left his mummy for a woman who would take the same role and be his mummy, and now you have changed things and want him to be a grown up and adaptable and able to think of someone else’s needs other than him. Bloody hell, you’ll be expecting him to do laundry and do 50% of the childcare next!
He may want to go back to mummy if you don’t take care of him like you always have done.
Why are you his mummy and not his equal partner?

stressedandskint · 29/03/2018 07:22

It sounds like you need to set some boundaries with him. Because you've always done it, your husband sees you as his mum/servant/maid and acts like a stroppy teenager when you don't cook for him. He doesn't see you as his equal and that needs to change.

When you both work, it's not your job to cook for him. It should be a joint responsibility. Why can't he do half of the cooking?

backsackcraic · 29/03/2018 07:23

DH is being vvu. Can he read, if so he can follow a recipe and cook. Start sharing the load.

Skatingfastonthinice · 29/03/2018 07:24

Xpost, stressed.
Bewilders me that women still put up with this crap.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 29/03/2018 07:30

Why the fuck are you tolerating this?
Make it clear that this is not how we treat other humans, let alone those we love.

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