Husband being pathetic?

[causeimunderyourspell]

So I just need an outsiders POV cause I feel like I've done something wrong but I'm pretty sure I haven't!

So yesterday I had a really stressful day at work. When I came home I was feeling a bit down but I was ok in myself, chatting as normal to oh etc. Started cooking dinner last night even though I just really couldn't be bothered with it as I was so mentally tired, but didn't want the chicken we had to go off. Turned out it had gone off anyway so in the bin it went.

Told dh I wasn't starting again so could he have a think and make something. I do absolutely all the cooking, not by choice but he plays dumb and says he can't cook, he's 45!! Anyway, he huffed, muttered fuck sake and stormed off and hasn't said a word to me since.

I dozed off on the sofa last night for about an hour. In that time he'd gone to make himself an omelette. To be honest I felt a bit annoyed by that as he can cook for himself if he absolutely has to?? Couldn't have offered me one though? But I guess perhaps he didn't want to wake me... who knows. Just struck me as selfish knobbish behaviour.

Woken up this morning and he's still not talking to me. This has happened a few times before when I've not wanted to cook which is why I'm on here posting as it just seems ridiculous to me.

Genuinely wondering if I've been out of order here saying I didn't want to cook as he 'cant' or is he's being a prize prick?? (Which is how I feel currently!) Who is BU?

Your husband thinks a wife's role is to pick up where mummy left off.
Both work = house things get split 50/50.

My dad used to stop talking to my mum for days when I was younger, so I couldn't cope with a partner that did that to me. I mean all you asked was that he contribute to the cooking, which you shouldn't have to ask, or at least he should be contributing to the household chores in one way or another already. However, he has, for one reason or another, become accustomed to not doing much/anything in the house, so you need to tell him what you need him to do, what he should be doing anyway. You're not his mum or his skivvy, seems like you need to remind him of the fact. Personally I'd tell him straight, albeit politely, that he should be and needs to help out, simply not cooking his dinner is a bit passive aggressive, like his not talking, so I wouldn't do that.

Your DP is BU. He is sulking because he knows he's in the wrong. He knows he should be able to cook.
I agree with pp about cooking for yourself for a while.
Detach and stay breezy.

@Eveforever he is honestly the most passive aggressive person ever. We're really not a good match because I hate to confront him about things as he gets angry. Not in a threatening or aggressive way before any one worries. He's incapable of grown up conversations.

So we are in a permanent start of non-communication where I feel upset or stressed for a few days and then I just pop it in the bottle and carry on. I've created this by allowing it but now we're 8 years down the line and I'm so full of anger and resentment that I just want to run away in all honesty.

What I am puzzled about is why you started cooking in the first place. Did you go 50/50 when you first met, but then you slowly took over everything? It's not too late to reverse it, if you both work, it should be 50/50.

I don't understand how women can be in a sexual relationship with a man that they mother. It would put me right off if a man started acting like a child.

(Probably why I'm single)

From reading threads on here, it seems like women marry men who have always been babied, take over the mum role, eventually start getting fed up of being treated like crap, nag husband to play more of an equal role, idiot husband doesn't like being told to grow up, gets fed up of the nagging, has an affair and then wife comes on here exasperated with idiot husband, eventually leaves him and lives happily ever after.

Main contribution is “driving” 😂 He’s 100% pathetic

He’s lazy and selfish. I can’t believe he thinks driving is his contribution. What an arse.
You need to have a chat and let him know how unfair this set up is.
I’m sure he’s already aware but you need to let him know that you’re not putting up with it anymore.
List your daily chores and ask him which ones he wants to do. Tell him that you spend 10 hrs on work and commuting and 3 hrs on chores and he spends 8.5 hrs in work and commuting and 0 hrs on chores (or whatever it is)
How can he justify that?

Umm..... you were asleep though? If you were dozing, I wouldn’t wake you up to see if you wanted an omelette either - I don’t think that that was actually wrong? Re you doing all the cooking - if you don’t enjoy it that’s something you need to address. But again, if I said I was going to make supper, started making supper, then changed my mind I think my DH would find that annoying, whereas if I said “I don’t fancy cooking, your turn”, he’d be fine with that, so it’s hard to judge based on this alone.

@stressedandskint it's not really a sexual relationship, hasn't been for a long time unfortunately. But I know what you're saying, the thought of having sex with him repulses me at the moment with how he behaves. Not a problem though as he has zero sex drive.

I love this thread! I think there's quite often one person doing a lot (without complaining) in a relationship because you know (think) that the other person appreciates it. Then you realise they just take it for granted and you don't mind because you don't make a song and dance about it! We say 'I need you to help more' and they get on the defensive and list reasons they can't or all the other things they're doing. It's a fine line that (in my case) 'sensitive' husbands feel like it's an attack on them but actually you're just trying to say 'I physically/mentally can't do anymore and I know you're also doing lots but it's not working and we need to do something else'! Sorry, that was all about me!

Sometimes hearing from a mutual friend how much/little their partner does can help? ;)

@NewPapaGuinea right?! Fucking ridiculous, oh I'm so knackered from driving everywhere. Give me strength.

He sounds like a big man baby tbh

I will be cooking for the DCs tonight as they're not At nursery, so might be a tad awkward doing just ours haha!
Didnt stop him just doing an omelette for himself. Do it

@FenellaMaxwellsPony to be clear, I only started as despite making it clear I didn't want to cook, he stood there staring blankly at me. I didn't want the chicken to go off. So I started cutting it up and it turned out it had gone off already so it went in the bin. I didn't have something half cooked in the oven and then decide to switch it off or something like that.

As for the dozing, yeah ok fair enough if he didn't want to wake me. But there were 2 hours between the incident above and me drifting off. That entire time he was sat on his iPad doing fuck all as usual, and then decided to do an omelette once I was asleep??

causeimunderyourspell Generally speaking I'm quite an easy going person, but, and this possibly isn't a helpful thing to say, I couldn't cope with a partner treating me that way. Honestly the not talking to me would really hurt me because your partner is supposed to love and support you and show you affection, not be so bloody cold. Does it leave you cold, or is the lack of practical support at home the main issue for you?

Do you think he's doing it because he can't cope with conflict, or do you think it's more of a control thing? If it's the former, I think that would be easier to work on.

In all my life, which sometimes feels interminably long, I will never understand why any adult is attracted beyond the dating stage to any other adult who just refuses to grow the fuck up. 'Oh, I can't cook,' giggle. You have to be fairly severely disabled to not be able to prepare your own food.

It's not helping to pull your own bloody weight in life.

But, well, you married him knowing he was a spoilt manchild. He won't make you an omelette or a cup of tea and he's not a 'good dad' because he CBA'd parenting his own kids.

I wouldn't bother doing a mutha fecking thing for him again until he has an attitude adjustment, even if it meant eating a sandwich for dinner.

It sounds like he doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings? Do you love him? Or has his long-term shitty selfish passive aggressive behaviour killed the love permanently?

Love is not watching someone struggle and sitting on your arse. Love is not getting angry when the struggling person asks for support. Love is not ignoring a person for days when they haven’t done anything wrong.

That does suggest he was expecting you to give in and cook/sort something until you fell asleep. I'm surprised he didn't even suggest ordering a takeaway (have seen that as husband's response a lot to cooking crisis on here).

@Eveforever to be honest I find myself thinking would I put up with this shit if I didn't have children with him and a mountain of debt? I don't think I would. But as it happens, I have both and just feel stuck sometimes. And then other times I think ah it's not worth being upset and holding grudges over stuff, life is too short. So I bob along happily for another few days/week and then it starts again.

I have inherited my dads don't rock the boat philosophy (aka spineless) and I struggle to assert myself in difficult situations.

@Butterymuffin you're right because last time this happened, he eventually had a plate of beans on toast appear on his lap cause my stomach was growling and I don't have the bones to have just done myself some, annoyingly. So yeah, I think he made himself a pity omelette after mean wife didn't give in.

So in a nutshell/
He pleases himself, (fish tank) does nothing with DC, drives himself to work (15") & you do 45 minute commute. surely it should be the other way round? does he collect Dc from child care?
PA, sulking behaviour, (this is abusive BTW) lazy, no empathy. Goes on to punish you by cooking ,but only for himself
You have no respect for this person who uses & abuses, (skin crawls at the idea of sex)
You know where this is going ?
You basically would have an easier life with him gone.

@expatinscotland thing is he's so inconsistent. He does make me cups of tea and sometimes will be really helpful with the kids (I say that but actually when I think about it, it's just keeping them from under my feet while I'm doing some chore). But it's only ever when he's in the mood and unfortunately that's only about 10% of the time if I were to estimate it.

Start by taking an assertiveness course and doing the Freedom Programme. Bankruptcy isn't the end of the world and better than living with a twat who doesn't really give a shit about you.

I don't think he'll change but whatever happens, I hope you get your happily ever after OP.

You can't change him but you can change yourself and your reactions to his behaviour. I'd say address your own self-esteem and sort out why you have put up with this for so long. Could counselling be an option for you? Get a hobby, leave him with the kids while you go to the gym or whatever you fancy doing. Concentrate on yourself, it must be hard being a mum to your children and a grown man.

You deserve better and the children deserve better too and deep down you know this, that's probably why you've posted on here.