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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband being pathetic?

117 replies

causeimunderyourspell · 29/03/2018 06:37

So I just need an outsiders POV cause I feel like I've done something wrong but I'm pretty sure I haven't!

So yesterday I had a really stressful day at work. When I came home I was feeling a bit down but I was ok in myself, chatting as normal to oh etc. Started cooking dinner last night even though I just really couldn't be bothered with it as I was so mentally tired, but didn't want the chicken we had to go off. Turned out it had gone off anyway so in the bin it went.

Told dh I wasn't starting again so could he have a think and make something. I do absolutely all the cooking, not by choice but he plays dumb and says he can't cook, he's 45!! Anyway, he huffed, muttered fuck sake and stormed off and hasn't said a word to me since.

I dozed off on the sofa last night for about an hour. In that time he'd gone to make himself an omelette. To be honest I felt a bit annoyed by that as he can cook for himself if he absolutely has to?? Couldn't have offered me one though? But I guess perhaps he didn't want to wake me... who knows. Just struck me as selfish knobbish behaviour.

Woken up this morning and he's still not talking to me. This has happened a few times before when I've not wanted to cook which is why I'm on here posting as it just seems ridiculous to me.

Genuinely wondering if I've been out of order here saying I didn't want to cook as he 'cant' or is he's being a prize prick?? (Which is how I feel currently!) Who is BU?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 29/03/2018 08:02

I reckon if you really examine it, it's far more than 10%. This is person who doesn't parent his kids. You've got to the point where you consider anything he does as helping.

LoveSchoolHolidays · 29/03/2018 08:04

OP, this was my life. My husband finished work earlier than me so was always home before me and still expected me to cook him dinner when I got in )as late as 7pm sometimes. It wasn’t too bad before we had kids, but 2 kids down the line it really got to me. After many conversations about a fairer division of labour in the household, I stopped doing his washing and cooking. He would then throw a strop if I hadn’t finished cooking dinner for me and our dc’s by 6pm so he could cook his! I put with him for 17 years and now I’ve been single for 18months and finally I don’t have to constantly worry about if what I’m doing/saying is going to upset him or how long will I get the silent treatment/cold shoulder.

tiddlyipom · 29/03/2018 08:04

So you have three toddlers really.
He gets angry because he is being defensive, he knows that in a partnership, everything should be shared but he thinks childcare, housework, cooking is beneath him.It's for women to do it all and not to ask him to do anything he doesn't want to.
I'm afraid you are married to a misogynist , the entitlement he has in ingrained and he is probably not going to change, he certainly won't if you don't make your feelings and your needs a priority.
Write a list of every single thing you do in a week, and how long it takes you to do them.Everything - in the smallest detail, ask him to pick which half he wants to do -forever.
Seriously, he is taking the absolute piss and he knows it.
A proper life partner would be ashamed of treating their DP like a third class ski by.

timeisnotaline · 29/03/2018 08:06

It’s not at all awkward. He is selfish and rude so you no longer cook for him. Awkward is stomping off in a sulk and cooking your own dinner and not one for your tired wife who cooks every night.

Eveforever · 29/03/2018 08:06

Not rocking the boat has it's place in relationships, but if this situation is going to eat you up you have to do something. At least you can try talking to him and see if that helps, then think about what you want to do. Trying to save/fix/improve a relationship when you have children is the right thing to do, but if it's never going to change, you have to ask yourself if it is worth it. Yes you have children, but you seem to be the one doing all the practical stuff anyway. The debt, well you can get advice on that.

MyBoysAndI · 29/03/2018 08:08

Who is home first of an evening? That person can start dinner whilst the other person sorts the children

AlphaApple · 29/03/2018 08:08

Sounds like you are both unhappy and he's a cock. But relationship counselling must be cheaper in the short term than divorce?

You must have loved him at some point, when did it change?

Jeezoh · 29/03/2018 08:11

You said he can be helpful with the kids but that implies that he’s helping YOU out because looking after them is your job. What does he do to make your life easier, happier etc? How different would the day-to-day chores be for you if he wasn’t there?

Whatsforu · 29/03/2018 08:14

OP nothing worse you have had a hard day and instead of supporting you he strops, pathetic!!!!! I can have similar issues to you minus the huff but I get where you are coming from it is exhausting. The only thing that worked briefly for me was to have a complete and utter meltdown. I fear old habits are creeping back in so it looks like I'll need to have another one!!! for you.

NameyMcChangeRae · 29/03/2018 08:16

Just calmly explain to him tonight that you are not doing more than your fair share. Explain that he treated you with such rudeness yesterday that you will no longer be cooking for him/cleaning his clothes/doing his washing up until he has started doing his fair share, and appreciating your contribution.

Is he generally a sexist?
Do you have a daughter? Is this what you’d want for her?

Mrsmadevans · 29/03/2018 08:17

He is an absolutely lazy arse, you are not being unreasonable . How have you put up with him behaving like this? I think you need to stop cooking for a while, let him get on with it.

Frouby · 29/03/2018 08:20

Yeah he is a knobber.

Dp is a builder. Never had to cook because the women in his life prior to me had facilitated his claim he couldn't cook.

His answer was 'shall we have a takeaway' when he first moved in and I suggested we share cooking on days I was working. I suggested that wasn't the answer and showed him how to cook.

I have been mostly a sahm for the last 4 years. Well I work but a few hours a day from home around dcs. He cooks every Saturday. And sometimes mid week too.

And he knows if he is cooking or even making a sandwich he offers to make one for everyone else too. Because that is the nice thing to.

And dd at 13 has started cooking too. Because she needs to learn.

Not being able to do basic household stuff like prepare a meal or clean or any othrr domestic stuff that gets you through life is pathetic. And disrespectful to the people you live with. It's saying your time is less important than his.

I would be doing a big shop of food you and the dcs like and leaving him to make his own meals from now on. And clean up after himself. If he doesn't shove the dirty pots in his car.

tessieandoz · 29/03/2018 08:21

I have only skim read the replies but imo please don't start a war over this but do indeed ask him , talk to him.
You may be surprised at the answer.

NameyMcChangeRae · 29/03/2018 08:21

LifeBeginsAtGin · 29/03/2018 08:29

Makes you wonder why he couldn't just say'oh darling you've had a bad day. Go and sit down and I'll do a quick beans on toast'.

What actually stops these grown-babymen from doing that. They just stand there looking gormless waiting for you to tell them what to do next.

Softkitty2 · 29/03/2018 08:34

Start allocating tasks.. Maybe say mon, wed and fri you sort out the kids (bathe, story bed) whilst I cook and other days we swap and he cooks.

Make it very clear that this has to stop!

Joanna57 · 29/03/2018 08:36

Oh this so reminds me of my DH when we first married 23 years ago.

Bless him.

When we first got together he inherited my children, who were 9 and 12 at the time. He had never cooked or done any housework whatsoever, but it wasn't a problem, as he worked a 60 hour week and I didn't work outside the home at all.

As soon as we married I changed the rules of engagement :)

I taught him to batch cook at weekends (we did it together), how to iron/hoover/change beds/load the washing machine/dishwasher etc etc etc.

Now the kids have left home, he still works a 60-70 hour week, I work 2 days a week, and we have the same routine.

I cook during the week (or take something out the freezer on the days I am also working) and he cooks on a weekend and any days off that he has. He also does the garden (heavy weeding/mowing the lawn/pruning etc), always puts the bins out, does ALL the maintenance in the house, on the weekend and any days off.

Come to think of it, he also does the supermarket shop as well, as I don't drive and I hate shopping.

I do all of the above in the week, when I am not at work.

Tis all about balance.

Nagging will get you absolutely nowhere, as much as you'd like it to.

I NEVER told, or asked, my DH to do anything. I just showed him.

BruceFoxton · 29/03/2018 08:38

We’ve all got one life and every day spent the way we don’t want it to be is a waste. Ok we’ve all got to put up with crap that happens as we go along but getting control over your happiness as far as is possible is a basic, central human right. Ask yourself what you want the next six months to be like.

user1486915549 · 29/03/2018 08:42

Until I started reading mumsnet I had no idea that so many women lacked any sense of self worth in their relationships.
I would never have gone beyond third date with a stupid man child so how do women end up in such unhappy relationships ?
OP ... you don’t like your OH , you don’t want sex with him , he doesn’t seem to like you. So why are you still with him .? Please sit down and have a serious think. You only get one life.

Original poster

causeimunderyourspell · 29/03/2018 08:44

@Softkitty2 I love that idea, the only hurdle I have is that the dc say no I want mummy for everything. Undoubtedly because he does fuck all. And he has the audacity to look hurt. Surely he can see that if he pulled his finger out and actively engaged, they will want him to do stuff for them

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 29/03/2018 08:46

'He grew up with a mother who did absolute everything for him short of wiping his arse. '

And you've slipped into that role nicely by the sounds of it.

STOP

MummyCuddlesSolveEverything · 29/03/2018 08:48

Make something he doesn't like tonight?

sashh · 29/03/2018 08:50

So we are in a permanent start of non-communication where I feel upset or stressed for a few days and then I just pop it in the bottle and carry on. I've created this by allowing it but now we're 8 years down the line and I'm so full of anger and resentment that I just want to run away in all honesty.

Not surprised, he is being abusive.

So what would you lose if you chucked him out? I'm sure you would manage the bins.

LexieLulu · 29/03/2018 08:57

I would point blank not make his meals. Make something for the kids, feed them early if you have to, then make yourself an omelette.

You make family meals daily, one day you don't and he doesn't bother to honk about anyone but himself!

Wdigin2this · 29/03/2018 09:00

How bloody childish can you get? If I were you, I'd declare two nights per week, non cooking, he can either take you out for dinner, or get a takeaway!
Oh, and about the non speaking, perhaps leave a big note, where he can't miss it saying:
I'm off out for a meal with colleagues/friends/family this evening, if you're still in a sulk when I get home, I'll be doing it tomorrow night as well....get over yourself!

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