Husband being pathetic?

[causeimunderyourspell]

So I just need an outsiders POV cause I feel like I've done something wrong but I'm pretty sure I haven't!

So yesterday I had a really stressful day at work. When I came home I was feeling a bit down but I was ok in myself, chatting as normal to oh etc. Started cooking dinner last night even though I just really couldn't be bothered with it as I was so mentally tired, but didn't want the chicken we had to go off. Turned out it had gone off anyway so in the bin it went.

Told dh I wasn't starting again so could he have a think and make something. I do absolutely all the cooking, not by choice but he plays dumb and says he can't cook, he's 45!! Anyway, he huffed, muttered fuck sake and stormed off and hasn't said a word to me since.

I dozed off on the sofa last night for about an hour. In that time he'd gone to make himself an omelette. To be honest I felt a bit annoyed by that as he can cook for himself if he absolutely has to?? Couldn't have offered me one though? But I guess perhaps he didn't want to wake me... who knows. Just struck me as selfish knobbish behaviour.

Woken up this morning and he's still not talking to me. This has happened a few times before when I've not wanted to cook which is why I'm on here posting as it just seems ridiculous to me.

Genuinely wondering if I've been out of order here saying I didn't want to cook as he 'cant' or is he's being a prize prick?? (Which is how I feel currently!) Who is BU?

@Wdigin2this & @sashh your replies really made me chuckle, thank you for that much needed smile

Honestly, just sit him down and tell him how unhappy and resentful you're feeling. Then tell him the new regime: one of you sorts the kids out while the other cooks, and then you swap over. All other chores are now shared including washing and cleaning.

Then if he doesn't shape up just do stuff for yourself, or arrange to go out on "your" nights, leaving something for the kids. If you go 10 more years without changing anything your marriage will be dead in the water anyway, so what's to lose?

I've been where you are, OP, the not speaking for days and the. mental
gymnastics I went through to not upset the moody git. The sitting there
and not lifting a finger while I've run myself ragged.

Then after over 30 years of marriage I heard myself say, that's it, I'm divorcing you. And I did. And I'm doing ok.
And you know what, he keeps his flat where he moved out to spotless.
Nip this in the bud, OP, it ain't going to get better unless you force the issue.
By the looks of it it can't get any worse can it?

I've written this email to him. I know that seems pathetic but I know what I'm like, I will simmer down by later and just keep plodding along. Please can you tell me what you think?

"I need to tell you that you made me feel like shit yesterday and I’m still feeling the same now. Not talking to me because I was stressed and I didn’t want to cook for once, and you stormed off and then barely said 2 words to me since. Do you know how it makes me feel when you’re angry with me because I won’t cook? And then 2 hours later make yourself an omelette while I’m asleep. You’re being passive aggressive to me and I feel like you’re only happy with me when I’m just getting on with things. The occasions when I don’t want to, you give me the cold shoulder.

This happened 2 weeks ago as well. Same thing, I didn’t cook and you wouldn’t speak to me. I eventually did beans on toast for us because I was hungry, you could have made that for us, but decided to sit there not talking to me instead.

I don’t want to start a war or make you feel attacked, but I’m getting to a point where I just feel angry and upset quite often, with stuff running through my mind all the time making me feel resentful. I thought you would be a bit happier now that we’d moved and the driving was less, but it doesn’t seem like you are at all."

YANBU and your email is good. Last time you shouldn’t have made him beans on toast just yourself. He made himself an omlette. That’s incredibly rude. He is being totally out of order. Why don’t you say from now on we will each sort ourselves out with food. For a month go eat before you go home or have a big lunch and make yourself a sandwich. Don’t cook for him. You aren’t his slave and he’s treating you like you are. I couldn’t live with a man like that.

OP if you’re going to go with an email I’d get everything out at once - so the whole division of labour issue, not just the cooking. And not just complain about how he is acting but set out what you want - I.e. shared effort

There's a difference between not being willing to take a share of the cooking, and the situation described in the original post.

You came home and chatted to DH as normal, and started cooking. He may not have realised how stressful your day was - did he have a bad a day or a good day? You were probably both hungry as it was almost dinnertime.

Suddenly, you found out that the chicken had gone off (out of date, perhaps?) and went off in a huff expecting him to pick up without having a plan for the meal - you don't say what food other than eggs was available. Apparently, this isn't an isolated instance.

I'd be annoyed too and I don't think escalating this aggressively will help. If you want/need help planning meals and cooking then sit down and talk about it in advance and before the next main food shop, and carry on talking until you get an acceptable answer.

Sounds a bit like my ex, he expected me to be his mummy but still wanted to be in charge.
NB - 'ex'

What I can't understand is - if he really really really really didn't want to cook for you both, for whatever reason, and some men who've never learned to cook are slightly scared of it, pretty much as I would be if someone threw me a saw, a bit of 2x4 and a DIY book and told me to put up a shelf...

why didn't he say 'I'll get us a takeaway'?

Is he so entrenched in 'mummy do it' that he can't even think logically? Unless, of course, there genuinely wasn't the money for a takeaway, in which case he could have asked you whether you wanted an omelette or something and not stropped for two hours until you fell asleep...

This could be your breakthrough moment op, you may find no way back to towing the line.

My DH can't cook. But he can order takeaways and heat up prepackaged stuff. I usually cook but he does all the washing up. I use ready prepared stuff when I am working because it is quicker.

We alternate Dd bathtimes. Whoever is not doing bath and bed tidies up the house.

My DH is a bit of an idiot and a mummies boy but he does more than your DH because i told him he could go back to her unless he pulled his weight. Start now!

OP, add another paragraph at the bottom saying how you want things to be. - what he has to do to resolve this to make you happy.

@mummyretired he knew I was stressed, I had told him that I really didn't have the energy or desire to cook, but the chicken will go off heavy hint inserted here to be met with a blank stare. So I cracked on only to find it had gone off anyway. Binned it and told him it had gone off but I didn't want to cook. Cue him storming off annoyed. So he was aware of the day I had, it wasn't out of nowhere.

So I've added this:

I really think we need to split everything fairly now. All the stuff with the house and kids. I don’t want to feel like I have to cook every single night, then a night comes where I don’t want to and I then worry you’re gonna be annoyed with me and not talk to me. I’m emailing you because I keep feeling like this and then just force myself to forget about it, life’s too short etc. But I don’t want to do that anymore as it’s getting us nowhere.

Now the kids have left home, he still works a 60-70 hour week, I work 2 days a week, and we have the same routine.

I cook during the week (or take something out the freezer on the days I am also working) and he cooks on a weekend and any days off that he has. He also does the garden (heavy weeding/mowing the lawn/pruning etc), always puts the bins out, does ALL the maintenance in the house, on the weekend and any days off.

Come to think of it, he also does the supermarket shop as well, as I don't drive and I hate shopping.

I do all of the above in the week, when I am not at work.

Tis all about balance.

That doesn't sound even remotely balanced to me.

causeimunderyourspell - read Drop the Ball by Tiffany Dufu, or read about it.

She started by listing everything she could think of to do with the family / house in a spreadsheet. Then ask him to add as much as he can (this shows it's not you doing all the thinking). Then you have a column for you, and a column for him to mark who is responsible for what.

It doesn't mean that person has to do the work, but organise it, e.g. window cleaning might just be that they have to book a window cleaner, but the responsibility is there to ensure it's done, paid for etc.

Although frankly, from what I've read, I'm bemused as to why you want to fix it. There's always a way to leave, however overwhelming it may seem.

Your email is too needy and pathetic I'm sorry.

Send this.

Ok, here's the deal. Marriage is team work. You either start to pull your weight and do your share of the cooking, child care and chores or it's over. I've had enough. Your call. Either change it and pull your weight or shift out. This is 2018 and I'm not your domestic slave or your mother.

Your email is good, it is NOT too needy.

I had told him that I really didn't have the energy or desire to cook, but the chicken will go off heavy hint inserted here to be met with a blank stare

This is part of the problem I think (although a small part, and obviously not the root cause).

It's much better to be clear about what you want than slightly passive-aggressive hints. Yes, it would be better if he would understand exactly what you mean, or better still as soon as you walked through the door he'd see you're tired and offer to cook. But sometimes in life it's just easier to communicate and say what you want.

"I'm exhausted, and the chicken's going to go off tomorrow - would you mind cooking it tonight please?"

This to me was a revelation in the great relationship I'm in now as opposed to my failed previous one. We can - and do - ask each other for help, and also do (within reason!) what the other person asks. Life is so much better.

I think your email was massively understated. Or at least a lot more polite than mine would have been!

Hope he replies. He won't like it, as he will have to change from a lazy lump who has everything done for him, to someone who actually has to engage with home life and the 'shit work'.

The penny dropped for me when you said his Mum used to do everything for him.

Women, stop raising your boys like this!!! I have been out with a few cockwombles like that in my time and NEVER AGAIN.

My Dad used to cook all his own meals and cook for the family at the weekend. All my male friends can and do cook for themselves and their partners (the 'who gets in first gets the dinner on' scenario).

I just can't comprehend blokes who sit there and expect it all to be done for them.

Why are women still putting up with this crap?

Exactly.

Prefer Bluntness email conforms to her username!!

@Bluntness100 by name and nature I cannot go in all guns blazing as I know we won't get anywhere. Hell just point score and then pull the shutters down. I'm trying to coax him to talk. I'd like to hear what he's not happy about too cause at the moment we're just trudging on and I want us both to be happy not just me

Bluntness is spot on. It sounds like he has had a bit of a free ride and with it a massive sense of entitlement hence giving you the silent treatment.

My email would definitely be along Bluntness’s style. He steps up, admits he has been pathetic and lazy and changes his ways or else ends up looking after himself on a permanent basis.

The silent treatment is emotional abuse and incredibly manipulative. I would not put up with that for anything. OP, you deserve much better.

Does a man who sulks / gives silent treatment ever change (i.e. If you refuse to pander to them and go about your life ignoring it)? Or once a sulker always a sulker?

@Lacucuracha I don't know to be honest but now we will see...

No response as yet but he may not have even read it, all the while I'm stewing