Husband being pathetic?

[causeimunderyourspell]

So I just need an outsiders POV cause I feel like I've done something wrong but I'm pretty sure I haven't!

So yesterday I had a really stressful day at work. When I came home I was feeling a bit down but I was ok in myself, chatting as normal to oh etc. Started cooking dinner last night even though I just really couldn't be bothered with it as I was so mentally tired, but didn't want the chicken we had to go off. Turned out it had gone off anyway so in the bin it went.

Told dh I wasn't starting again so could he have a think and make something. I do absolutely all the cooking, not by choice but he plays dumb and says he can't cook, he's 45!! Anyway, he huffed, muttered fuck sake and stormed off and hasn't said a word to me since.

I dozed off on the sofa last night for about an hour. In that time he'd gone to make himself an omelette. To be honest I felt a bit annoyed by that as he can cook for himself if he absolutely has to?? Couldn't have offered me one though? But I guess perhaps he didn't want to wake me... who knows. Just struck me as selfish knobbish behaviour.

Woken up this morning and he's still not talking to me. This has happened a few times before when I've not wanted to cook which is why I'm on here posting as it just seems ridiculous to me.

Genuinely wondering if I've been out of order here saying I didn't want to cook as he 'cant' or is he's being a prize prick?? (Which is how I feel currently!) Who is BU?

It sounds like you’ve got into a really unbalanced routine. I don’t believe how an adult can seriously say’ I can’t cook’ when they live in a family situation. It’s just taking advantage of the other person.

Has he never seen anyone cook? Never seen Jamie Oliver on tv? Seen a recipe book.
You definitely need to divide the week up into who cooks when.
I used to think I wasn’t very good at cooking but it was just confidence as DP seemed to make more complicated meals than me. I watched him and helped a bit and now I think I’m alright.

I cook what me and kids want. And dinner is ready by 5 he helps himself. If im tired i will make kids sumin quick and wait for him to get in and make us somethimg. Sometimes hes on a no carn diet or some stupid diet and will want fish instead of chicken - make it ursel5d and clean up after urself... he has no issues. Ur husband is a prick. He has issues. Put him on a no food from u diet.

Do you think he will change op if you send an email?
He sounds like an arsehole.

Your email is fine if you think there's a chance he will understand and want to change.

Bluntnesses email is fab too - if you feel like that, say it.

It's a good email. See what he has to say. If he continues being an areshole then you can think about what you want to do about the lazy cunt.

To PP - cooking for your partner and kids is not 'helping', even for a man. It's just looking after your family which is the responsibility of both parents, if there are two. It's not 1974!

I think he will want to change. He does love us very much but he's just seeing what he can get away with and being a CF basically. He's replied apologising and saying that he will change and that he feels terrible that I'm upset. I just hope actions match the words.

He started talking about money stresses again but I told him we can only do what we can until we're not paying £400+ for childcare a month. I don't want us to be miserable until then. And that's also a completely separate issue. I want to talk about our relationship and equality in our house.

Obviously it contributes to the stress but that we're not on a team, negotiating one of life's many obstacles together. I don't sit on my bum doing nothing when I'm stressed and neither should he.

You are handling it perfectly. Try to let it go a bit now and see what he does. The ball's in his court and as you quite astutely say, it's actions, not words that really count.

Good. Now you need to follow it up with another email setting out what happens and when. I.e Monday, Weds, Fri- you're home first so you'll cook and he can sort kids. Tue, Thurs - he's home first so roles reverse. Sat and Sun - one each etc

Try doing a list and saying "do you want to do A or B". My DH hates lists but it's the only way I stay sane.

Well done!
Try to agree on a chore chart?
It makes it clear for both of you what's expected. 😊

So he's come home. He walked straight over to me, gave me a huge hug and apologised again. He got the DCs sorted at the table ready for dinner and after, he cleared their plates, loaded the dishwasher and wiped the table down. So far so good! Hopefully this was just a kick up the bum that was needed.

@mikeyssister I like that idea, just state two jobs that need doing and let him choose. I think that may work better as I think he might think I'm infantilising him if I make a chore chart

Tell him how much better things are for you now that he’s taking on some of the chores.
You probably appreciate him more now too. Validate that.
It’s always nice to share positive feelings.

What a lovely outcome, do yourself a favour though and don't let it slip. The choice of chores sounds like a good idea as it emphasises the sharingg of responsibility as opposed to "helping you".

Keep us posted OP, most of the time they just need to have their eyes opened to how much a baby they're being.

Thank you everyone for all your advise, really gave me the boost to actually send the email! Normally I'd have thought about saying something and then left it thinking I was overreacting so it's good to have support.

As you said yourself OP, he's a cheeky fucker and just seeing what he can get away with. The thing is he's been successfully getting away with it for 8 years! Do you really think he didn't know? Of course he knows exactly how selfish and mean he's been but he's not been too quick to admit it because he's more than happy for you to be his cook and housekeeper.

There seem to be a lot of extremely timid women around? Women who are so afraid of confrontation that they will put up with this treatment, selently seething and hating the way things have turned out. OP's husband isn't afraid of such confrontation though is he? He seems more than happy to churn out nasty behaviour whenever he isn't getting his own way. He knows how to control his wife and keep her in a frightened, desperate to please state. I think he will be back to normal
In no time.

@causeimunderyourspell, it's worked for DH and I for 22 years. We do one job at a time this way until they're all done.

Instead of giving him the choice of chores (you are still doing the mind work) get two jars and list daily and weekly tasks on paper.

Cut the tasks up so they are on bits of paper and fold them up.

So things like changing bed linen goes in the weekly jar and things like 'loading the dishwasher goes in the daily jar.

Once a week you randomly pick tasks from weekly jar and when a task is done you put the paper back.

Same is done for daily, you might need to put things on the daily that are for the next day eg cook dinner tomorrow. Set a time to do this, maybe after dinner.

Why, you may ask go to the bother? Well it is easy to see which jobs have been done and your children will not be toddlers forever, once old enough they can start having a task a day/week.