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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about DH's easter plans

119 replies

thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:06

For background DH works 12 shifts (days and nights) and I work very full time in a high pressure senior role. I've been working several 14 hour plus days over the last month plus DH's shifts have fallen over the last 3 weekends so I'm exhausted, emotional, haven't had a break and haven't spent enough quality time with the DC. DH's shifts mean that he often has time off in their week when we have childcare. I accept that when he works he works hard too, but he has time off when we have childcare during the week and he gets time to himself, which I don't/can't get without sacrificing family time. I feel like I never get any time to rest and am totally exhausted.

DH is off work good Friday - East Sunday (inclusive) then on a set of night shifts starting Easter Monday, meaning he will sleep all day easter Monday. I am off for the 4 day easter break. He has arranged he is going out with his friends to play snooker all day on the Saturday (meeting at midday) and then to a colleague's birthday party on the Saturday night, and that on Easter Sunday we will be at his mums for lunch and all afternoon (which from my perspective is more of a duty than a treat).

This means that the only chance we get to spend all together over easter is good Friday, my only chance for a lie in is a short lie in on the Saturday, and I feel hard done by. Plus I want to ensure we have some time to do some fun easter stuff as a family.

I tried to discuss it with him this evening and he got defensive and I got upset so I stopped the conversation.

AIBU to be upset about the plans he's made? Should I just accept it, plan something for the 4 of us for good Friday and essentially suck it up? He doesn't often go out with friends but when he does he gets steaming drunk and I hate it.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:09

I’m not seeing the problem. He’s out with his pals on the Saturdays, that’s all. If it’s that much of an issue, cancel Sunday at his mums.

I’m out all day Sunday with my pals!

Weezol · 27/03/2018 23:11

He's made plans like a single man with no children. I'd be furious.

MyOtherProfile · 27/03/2018 23:12

How old are your dc?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 27/03/2018 23:12

I feel more sympathy for you than Nicknacky, but I do agree with her - bin off the Sunday (or don't go yourself and have that lie-in). It's not unreasonable he gets some 'him' time over Easter too.

And this way you've got Good Friday together and either Easter Sunday together or you get it as pure 'you' time.

Knittedfairies · 27/03/2018 23:14

I’d be peeved too.

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:14

Easter’s not a big deal to me, it’s just another weekend. I’ve just remembered that I have to be back from work on time Saturday so h can go out with his pals.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 27/03/2018 23:15

He's made plans like a single man with no children. I'd be furious

I don't think that's totally fair. He's made plans for 1 day like a single man. He's made plans for another like a family man (lunch with his mum) and he's preparing for a night shift on 1 day and left the 4th day free.

travailtotravel · 27/03/2018 23:15

Let him take the kids to his mum's. Some time back for you right there. And get yourself some weekends with your friends booked in too. He can either find a way to magic up childcare like you have to Or change his shifts to accommodate.

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 23:15

I'd be annoyed because he's leaving you with the children 2 days out of 4. Honestly if you're exhausted, don't plan anything for the Friday or plan a relaxing day with one of your friends and let your DH watch the DCs. You're all spending the Sunday together and presumably he won't be too hungover if he's going to his mum's.

YouTheCat · 27/03/2018 23:16

Have Good Friday as family time.

Do something nice with the kids on Saturday without him.

Tell him he can take the kids to his mother's on Sunday and have a day to yourself.

orangesmartieseggs · 27/03/2018 23:17

He should have checked with you, not unilaterally decided that you were having the kids on Saturday, but I don't see why you can't still have a lie-in? He'll be home all three mornings to get up with the DC - so have one day as a lie-in and spend time as a family the other times? He's only really out Saturday afternoon/evening.

You could have a day together on Friday, have brunch together on Saturday before his afternoon out, then have a lie in on Sunday before going to his mums for lunch?

LovingLola · 27/03/2018 23:17

I'm exhausted, emotional, haven't had a break and haven't spent enough quality time with the DC.

I feel like I never get any time to rest and am totally exhausted.

I think it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your work life balance.

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:17

He doesn’t need to sleep all day Monday for nightshift. A lie in or a nap is all that is needed. I’ve done nightshift for 15 years and not once slept the entire day before.

orangesmartieseggs · 27/03/2018 23:18

I'd be annoyed because he's leaving you with the children 2 days out of 4

That's not really fair considering one of those days he needs to sleep to prepare for a night shift.

GreenTulips · 27/03/2018 23:21

I agree - he takes the kids to his mums - you get the lie in and have a day off (not housework) a proper slob day! Buy wine and rubbish food and read a book

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/03/2018 23:23

It's true whether it's fair or not. When he planned his weekend (without consulting OP) he knew of the 4 days, they both had off, he was only available for 3. Of those 3, he made plans for 2 which meant OP only has 1 day that her DH hasn't accounted for her time. I think that's unfair.

Snowjoker · 27/03/2018 23:25

Well you could take a Good Friday to yourself in exchange for his day out n Saturday - but then there's no time for the four of you together - unless you view the trip to his mums that's way.

buttonhead101 · 27/03/2018 23:29

I sympathise completely. My partner works 12hr shifts and frequently has 3 days to himself during the week when I'll work 5 full days and then spend the weekend with our DC because he's working. Total imbalance of work/family/personal time. Your partner needs to realise how difficult it is and do more and give you time to yourself or with the family. My only advice is to take at least one day over the weekend for yourself. If your partner won't accept this he can pay for childcare. Shift work is a nightmare for the person not choosing to do it but is forced to accommodate it.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/03/2018 23:34

He's very good at deciding that you exist to pick up the slack, isn't he? Doesn't even ask you if you had anything you fancied doing over Easter.

I agree with PP who suggest telling him (not asking him, telling him) that he can take DC to his mum's while you have an afternoon to yourself.

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:35

button Are your children such a burden to you and your partner that you need to put them in childcare rather than look after them to make it "fair"?

My h and I had children knowing what our shift patterns were and that I worked weekends while he didn't. Like fuck will I pay childcare when he's at home!

Not forgetting that at least at weekends you don't have the drudgery of school/nursery pick ups. You only have a few hours with out them.

Original poster

thinkfast · 27/03/2018 23:36

Loving Lola I agree but unfortunately financially we can't make any changes at the moment. We rely on my salary and I don't want DH to drop his hours as then even more stuff falls on my shoulders, but at the same time his shifts mean that 3 weekends out of 5 I feel like a single parent. Plus I pay for all the child care which drives me crazy when he uses time off in the week to do stuff like go to the cinema alone.

For those that asked the DC are 6 and 2. I'm currently dealing with 2 year old as she's had a nightmare while DH is asleep.

I see I am (generally speaking) being tired and emotional so will suck it up. I wish he'd arranged his snooker session another time though as we hardly see each other.

If I skipped the lunch with his mum it would be massively held against me - not with it.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:37

Why are you paying all the childcare?

HoobleDooble · 27/03/2018 23:38

I don't get the Monday in bed thing either, my DH is on nights this week, we went to bed as normal Sunday night, got up Monday. He looked after DS who's on school holidays while I was at work, then worked all night last night, went to bed as soon as he got home this morning and got up mid-afternoon. You can't store up sleep in advance.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 27/03/2018 23:38

It’s not on to plan like this without discussing it.

On his mid week days off does he do housework, laundry, sorting the kids etc or are they ‘days off’? He’s definitely got the sweeter deal hasn’t he.

I wouldn’t go to his Mum’s on the Sunday. He can take the kids & you can have a day to yourself. Not what you wanted I know, but second best at least. Then read him the riot act about planning what suits EVERYONE in future, not just lord & master.

Nicknacky · 27/03/2018 23:40

I would be raging if my h read me the riot act because I planned a day out. I don't get out often, it's no big deal. It's one weekend.

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