To be annoyed about DH's easter plans

[thinkfast]

For background DH works 12 shifts (days and nights) and I work very full time in a high pressure senior role. I've been working several 14 hour plus days over the last month plus DH's shifts have fallen over the last 3 weekends so I'm exhausted, emotional, haven't had a break and haven't spent enough quality time with the DC. DH's shifts mean that he often has time off in their week when we have childcare. I accept that when he works he works hard too, but he has time off when we have childcare during the week and he gets time to himself, which I don't/can't get without sacrificing family time. I feel like I never get any time to rest and am totally exhausted.

DH is off work good Friday - East Sunday (inclusive) then on a set of night shifts starting Easter Monday, meaning he will sleep all day easter Monday. I am off for the 4 day easter break. He has arranged he is going out with his friends to play snooker all day on the Saturday (meeting at midday) and then to a colleague's birthday party on the Saturday night, and that on Easter Sunday we will be at his mums for lunch and all afternoon (which from my perspective is more of a duty than a treat).

This means that the only chance we get to spend all together over easter is good Friday, my only chance for a lie in is a short lie in on the Saturday, and I feel hard done by. Plus I want to ensure we have some time to do some fun easter stuff as a family.

I tried to discuss it with him this evening and he got defensive and I got upset so I stopped the conversation.

AIBU to be upset about the plans he's made? Should I just accept it, plan something for the 4 of us for good Friday and essentially suck it up? He doesn't often go out with friends but when he does he gets steaming drunk and I hate it.

Wow - lots of responses here. Won't have time to catch up on them all properly until this evening- but regarding the "silent assumptions" comments - I've been telling him I'm exhausted - he knows how hard I work and also have suggested several possible family outings to do over the easter weekend. He mentioned previously he would be going to play snooker on the Saturday - but didn't tell me until last night that he was meeting his friends at midday and would then be out all night. He arranged the meal at his mums this week and told me about it yesterday morning.

I never mentioned ALL day prior to starting night shift.

The first line was from another poster that I copied, but didn't bold.

At the very least tell DH and MIL that you feel unwell due to exhaustion and won't be going out for lunch on Sunday. You need a break otherwise you will end up being signed off work.

I think the best solution is to either find childcare and go out with your friends on Saturday too or let him take the DC to his mother’s on Sunday and you have a day to yourself/with your friends. Have Friday as the family day. Surely then it’s all balanced and fair.

It's never too early to get kids into sport - the snooker scoring rules are an excellent introduction to colours, counting and simple maths. I'm sure the DC would enjoy this quality time with their dad .

I understand you’re tired, frustrated and pissed off.

For starters I’d spend Friday as a family day, Saturday he’s out with pals, I’d sack off lunch at his mums regardless if it’s held against you. And have a day to yourself whilst he has the kids. Then Monday he’s in bed which is fair enough.

I’d then address the ‘you’ time you obviously need during the week. As you said, he gets ‘his’ time whilst the kids are at school so he needs to help you find some time where you can rest and recharge your batteries. Even if it means you have to have extra childcare or he takes over one full evening a week

If it's not something he does often then It wouldn't bother me tbh (I'm going to be out all day and into the evening with my friends on Saturday as well and DH is going to be my taxi

If he says he doesn't like that you won't come to his mother's just tell him that you don't like that he's planning on being out all day getting pissed on Saturday. Either he cancels Saturday and lets you have some down time or he takes the kids to his mother's on Sunday and lets you get some down time. He can't have both.

Op it sounds so selfish, does it he want to spend any time with you? It sounds like a your living separate lives passing like ships on the night.

I'd be upset if dh had two days planned without me over Easter to, because I want to spend time with him and the dc!! Like you going to in laws wouldn't be fun at all.
So Sunday ruined and then Saturday ruined.

It seems to me like he has things sown up nicely but I'm not sure what you can do because it doesn't sound like YOU are his priority in any way shape or form... And you can't force those feelings

But definalty forgo Sunday, you don't want to hurt mils feelings so say your ill

Thank you all for your comments and some very helpful and balanced suggestions.

DH feels bad I think and has texted me during the day to check I'm ok.

We've agreed a family day on Friday, I get a short lie in on Saturday and a long lie in on Sunday before we go to his mums. Hopefully I'll do something nice with my sister and the kids on easter Monday.

I think the overall point is that I'm not happy about the imbalance in our family in terms of the rest / relaxation time we each get and the overall contributions we both make in terms of our time. I'm going to speak to him again to see if he can suggest how we address it - his idea of a night alone for me in a hotel isn't a long term solution and, despite many of you saying I should go for it, really doesn't appeal and would be a waste.

Not a solution at all but would you enjoy a night in a hote with your 6 year old? It would give you a chance for some quality time in a lovely fun environment. Go for swims, walks food, an early night for both of you and a break from a wakeful 2 year old. If you are very stressed these days your 6 year old might really enjoy it too. Sometimes life is about the little treats we can offer ourselves.
I know you want a longer term solution too, but I highly suggest you do something restful that you would enjoy.

It sounds like the main issue is actually that he just makes plans and expects you to fall into line / pick up the slack. No way would I be happy about that.

I don't think people with small children should make plans without at least checking with their partner. The OP has been really clear that they are both struggling for quality time with the kids. His being out all day and night Saturday doesn't help with that, and when the next day is being spent with his family, 'his' plans are taking up the whole Easter weekend. I'd be cross.

I think you need to have a discussion about how to take things from here....Easter has obviously been a tipping point...but you need to talk about how to share out the workload better so that you don't start resenting each other

Friday use family day. Then he takes kids to mums so you get a break.

Slanetylor love the idea of a night away with my 6 year old! Why didn't I think of that?

Because you are too tired!