To be annoyed about DH's easter plans

[thinkfast]

For background DH works 12 shifts (days and nights) and I work very full time in a high pressure senior role. I've been working several 14 hour plus days over the last month plus DH's shifts have fallen over the last 3 weekends so I'm exhausted, emotional, haven't had a break and haven't spent enough quality time with the DC. DH's shifts mean that he often has time off in their week when we have childcare. I accept that when he works he works hard too, but he has time off when we have childcare during the week and he gets time to himself, which I don't/can't get without sacrificing family time. I feel like I never get any time to rest and am totally exhausted.

DH is off work good Friday - East Sunday (inclusive) then on a set of night shifts starting Easter Monday, meaning he will sleep all day easter Monday. I am off for the 4 day easter break. He has arranged he is going out with his friends to play snooker all day on the Saturday (meeting at midday) and then to a colleague's birthday party on the Saturday night, and that on Easter Sunday we will be at his mums for lunch and all afternoon (which from my perspective is more of a duty than a treat).

This means that the only chance we get to spend all together over easter is good Friday, my only chance for a lie in is a short lie in on the Saturday, and I feel hard done by. Plus I want to ensure we have some time to do some fun easter stuff as a family.

I tried to discuss it with him this evening and he got defensive and I got upset so I stopped the conversation.

AIBU to be upset about the plans he's made? Should I just accept it, plan something for the 4 of us for good Friday and essentially suck it up? He doesn't often go out with friends but when he does he gets steaming drunk and I hate it.

Going out with his friends is not a huge deal unless he is doing it every week. I’m out with mine on Sunday and I said to my H “oh by the way I’m out with pals on Easter Sunday”. People don’t have to stop having a social life when they have kids, just because the op is being a martyr doesnt mean he has to be one too.

I agree with you OP.
He has had days off in the last few weeks, you haven't. He doesn't seem to be taking that into account.

My guess is that he just doesn't understand how relentless the whole work/childcare thing has become for you, as he gets breaks.

You need a conversation which isn't just about Easter.

As an example, if he has had a day off during the week, then he gets up with kids and gives you a lie-in at the weekend, and so on.

Nope, but they don’t have to be inconsiderate jerks either. He’s dictating what’s happening 3/4 days of the long weekend.

So the best solution is the one that is already suggested. Skip the meal on Sunday and he has a short nap or lie in on Monday before work then that’s everyone happy.

For starters, to discuss their plans for their joint time off and not unilaterally decide he’s pissing off out for the Saturday and then they're all going to his Mum’s on the Sunday. You know, show a little thought and consideration for his wife’s needs and desires and not just his own!?

I don't see where he's ignoring his wife's desires at all. If she wanted to do something specific, why not vocalise it? I don't understand all this silent assumption that occurs in a lot of relationships - "It's Easter weekend therefore we'll spend it together" - if you want that happen, you need to speak up and say that in advance. He's spending one day with his friends and then they're having a family lunch at his mothers. I reckon that's only an issue because it's a MIL thing - if OP had arranged for them to have lunch at her mothers, would everyone be all up in arms about it?

Nothing inconsiderate about it Anni.
She says she's exhausted, but instead of getting herself back to sleep once she's settled the child, she decides to mess about online.
Then moans about being exhausted.
She's been offered solutions and rejected them.
Which gives me the impression that she just wants everyone to laud her while slating her husband.
So on this one, I'm afraid we will have to agree to disagree.

Orangesmartieggs. I agree.

Oh yes, the ‘silent assumption’ that rare time off together gets discussed and plans made that suit everyone. Gosh. How unreasonable 🙄. It would make no difference to me if it was the other way around and she had planned to go out on the Saturday & simply told her DH that’s what was happening and then made plans for the whole family to go to her mums on the Sunday. I’d be telling her she was unreasonable. But unsurprisingly it’s the DH that’s made plans for himself on the Saturday, because of course, she’s the default parent - no need to see how she feels about that, because it’s just the wife...then having done that thinks it’s just fine to dictate that she’ll then be spending the Sunday at his Mum’s and default parenting again on the Monday because he fancies a day in bed before a night shift.

annie I have done the same as the op’s husband this week minus the dinner at mums house. As a family we only have this Sunday off together over Easter but both of us have time with the kids seperately over the holidays as we are both working.

As a shift worker he probably doesn’t go out with pals that often as it is difficult to organise as they are probably off when he is working and vice versa.

YANBU - you sound tired and fed up, understandably so. In of itself your husband spending one day for a special birthday (I know you don't say it is but just giving the benefit of the doubt) isn't anything but not talking to you, not making any family plans with your nuclear family is frustrating at best. I knew you'd say that not going on Sunday just wasn't a goer. I'd be sorting plans on Friday and splitting Monday. If he has been sleeping on Sunday then he really wont be sleeping on Monday will he - he might want a quiet day but you cant actually bank sleep for a night shift. Sleep just doesn't work that way.

Oh yes, the ‘silent assumption’ that rare time off together gets discussed and plans made that suit everyone

But OP hasn't discussed it either - why is he in the wrong and she isn't?

Fancies a day in bed before his night shift.
Have you ever worked a night shift Anni? I have and if someone told me I didn't need a sleep before I went to work a night shift I can assure you that my response would have been less than pleasant. It's nothing to do with fancy and everything to do with need.
Would you expect to have to stay up and awake ALL night and then go to work to do a shift the following day? It's exactly the same thing and it really pisses me off when people don't get that a night shift workers daytime is their night time and their day time is their night time.

Because it would be nice if he factored his knackered wife into it plans rather than only thinking of himself, Orange.

She's clearly not even an afterthought here and that's enough to piss anyone off.

His plans

Doh.

Invent a stomach bug on Sunday then you get a rest and cause no offense

teuonic I’ve worked nightshirts for 15 years and I don’t think I have met any colleagues who spent the whole day in bed prior to nightshift.

A long lie in or a few hours nap during the day yes, but not the whole day. That is unusual

My MIL worked night shifts full time as a nurse for 14 years.

She would proper belly laugh at the idea of staying in bed all day.

But OP hasn't discussed it either - why is he in the wrong and she isn't?

Because, I guess, she just wants to be together as a family and enjoy the time together, that shouldn’t require a ‘special plan’. He has made plans to go out Saturday with friends, Saturday night with work colleagues and made plans with his Mum for all of them for Sunday, without once asking the OP if that was OK.

Teutonic. Yes, I’ve worked nights and I have plenty of friends that do shift work, not a single one sleeps the entire day before a nightshift. He’d essentially be in bed for a night & day back to back. No one needs to do that to start a set of night shifts. A nap, a few hours, sure but not 10pm one night until getting ready the next night to start a shift.

YANBU

It is so easy for people to say they wouldn't begrudge a likewise cushy situation (time to themselves) when they know it will never arise

OP - just something I've picked up but you very much seem to resent the role your husband does, comments that he doesn't earn much because he's an NHS worker, the shifts he works etc.
DH and I both work Mon-Friday in 'normal' jobs (Plumber and Payroll) We still will each take a the odd day annual leave now and then to have some alone time, just to sleep in and do nothing - it's great.
Most people I know do this too.

Our DS still goes to nursery these days.

Does he do the school run while you're at work? Food shopping? sort out the house?

Oh and also, Neither of us holds over the other what we pay for and they don't - I find that an odd setup for a family.

A man comes on here and comments that he earns more and pays for most bills would get slated in that it's all family money. I believe the same. Why are both wages not just a pot of family money for childcare and necessities first?

Worked night shifts as a nurse for years. Never slept all day the day my nights started.

I sympathise, OP. My DP works mainly night shifts, I work full time (standard hours) and we have a 3 year old. He returned to a senior technical role after being promoted to an office job because"an office job and commuting in to London every day was soul destroying". DC is at nursery 3 days a week and most weeks DP is unable to have him on the other two days so my mum does the childcare. She lives an hour away, so most weeks I drive to her after I get home from work on a Thursday evening and stay overnight, then drive home from hers after work on a Friday. I then do it on a Sunday and return home on a Monday. His days off usually fall during the week when DC is at nursery.

It came to a head last year when, at the end of October, he announced proudly that he still had 24 days annual leave (and that his quarterly overtime payment was in and better than he'd expected). I was on my knees with exhaustion, and had been taking the odd annual leave day here and there so that I could just get on top of the cleaning and laundry. I had a full on meltdown and told him that there is no way that he would be doing that next year, because I'd had enough.

He has been a bit better so far this year. I hope it continues. He has pulled his finger out and done laundry/dishes/cooks on days that he's home and when he can. He will be taking some leave so that he can have the kid and let me have the odd weekend day to just do something for myself.

Have a proper conversation with your DH, OP. Come up with a solution and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are doing the lion's share and contributing way more to the family than he is and that it's time he sorted that out!

I would decide on the Sunday that you're not going to his mums. He can take the kids and you can have a bit of me time. Especially as it is more duty than pleasure going to his mums.

are you all suggesting that she dies something she doesn't particularly want to do just because he suggested it? Madness
We're suggesting she needs a proper break and that she possibly needs to overcome her urge to automatically say no to suggestions that prioritise her getting some rest or a break.

It's tough if he or his mum are annoyed about you not being there Sunday - you need a break. Plus he didn't consult you about his day of snooker, did he? Why do you have to suck that up but he can't be expected to for you?

Being combative aside, there are some really good posts here about talking this through with him and making changes.